It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it . Aristotle

Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.

Greatest Lines Ever Said By Comic Book Characters

1. “We’re forming a union, jerk hole — my foot and your face!” — Skateman
2. “If a man chooses to do evil…it becomes my sacred duty to bash him to a pulp!” — Crime Crusher
3. “With great power comes great responsibility!” — The Narrator in The Amazing Spider-Man. (That’s right folks it was the narrator who said it first, not Peter Parker or his Uncle Ben.)
4. “Paradise unearned is but a land of shadows!”  — The Silver Surfer
5. “It’s clobberin’ time!” — The Thing of The Fantastic Four
6. “We shall call you Captain America, son! Because, like you — America shall gain the strength and the will to safeguard our shores!” — Professor Reinstein in Captain America
7. “In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight. Let those who worship evil’s might, beware my power — Green Lantern’s light!”  — Green Lantern
8. “Criminals are a superstitious, cowardly lot, so my disguise must be able to strike terror into their hearts. I must be a creature of the night, black, terrible… a… a… a bat!” — Batman
9. “I’d rather not rule the earth. I just want to marry the girl next door and live in the suburbs.” — Dynamo
10. “Life and death… they are only like changing subway trains to me as I ride through eternal life.”  — Immortal Man
11. “Yes, Mr. Death… I’ll play you a game! But not chess! My game is wiffleball!” — The Flaming Carrot
12. “Hit the fire, liar!”  — The Flag
13. “‘Discussion’ is for bio-organisms.” — Deathlok
14. “Of all the stupid — ! When my body turned invisible, the gown didn’t!” — Invisible Girl
15. “Old superheroes don’t just fade away. They grow old, useless — and very, very bitter!”  — The Blue Diamond
16. “If only those bricks could talk…the things they’d say would help build better prisons in the future.” — The Spirit
17. “I should break your face for that, but that would not teach you of love.” — Slaughterman
18. “I’d join you, but I think I’m close to locating a gluino, which would completely validate supersymmetrical theory if we could include it in the bestiary.” — Dr. Manhattan (Watchmen)
19. “Grown-ups… are a strange breed! Their brains weigh close to three pounds, and that’s not three pounds of cheery delight!” — The Tick
20. “I cannot preach hate and warfare when I am a disciple of peace and love!”  — Wonder Woman

Crazy Life Quotes

• “Throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” Mark Twain
• “Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?” John Mendoza
• “Being normal isn’t one of my strengths.”
• “I used to be sane, then I got better.”
• “To define your own value for your blog is to declare independence from parent companies like Google that thrive by assigning value as they see it.”
• “Unless you try and do something beyond what you have mastered, you will never grow.”
  C.R. Lawton
• “Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.” – Carl Gustav Jung
• “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” – Dr. Suess
• “Love is a temporary form of insanity”
• “One man’s insanity is another man’s vision.”
• “Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambition. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.” – Mark Twain
• “He who asks a question is a fool for a minute; he who does not remains a fool forever.” – Chinese Proverb
• “Don’t worry about what people think about you–the chances are they seldom think about you at all.” – Unknown
• “Calm and happiness is not something that evolves or happens to you, it’s a practice. Whether it’s Yoga, or sex, or writing a blog post, or playing guitar.”
• “80% of success is showing up.” – Woody Allen
• “Some days it’s not worth gnawing through the straps.”
• “Insanity: a perfectly rational response to an insane world.”
  
• “I have a grip on reality, just not this particular one.”
• “A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?” – Albert Einstein
• “Don’t let anyone drive you crazy when you know it is walking distance.”
• “My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.” – Rodney Dangerfield
• “Those who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, usually do”
• “There is a thin line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.” – Oscar Levant
• “Most, if not all, problems brought to therapists are issues of love. It makes sense that the cure is also love.” – Thomas Moore
• “Sometimes we reach the boiling point before we realize that the stove is on. Become aware of your feelings – keep your eye on the stove.” -Karen Dougherty
• “Words are the physicians of a mind diseased.”- Aeschylus
• “When Walt was younger he was hired to work at the Kansas City Star newspaper. He was later fired from the paper because of lack of creativity. Years later The Disney Company bought ABC which owned The Kansas City Star. How strange that [you are] fired because [you are] not creative enough and years later you own [the same company] because of your creativeness.”
• “when you accept everything for what it is without labels you are outside of your ego.” Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth”
• “Work as if you don’t need the money, love as if you’ve never been hurt, dance as if no one’s watching.”
• “Life is a short, warm moment and death is a long cold rest. You get your chance to try in the twinkling of an eye: Eighty years, with luck, or even less.” Pink Floyd
• “It doesn’t matter how inspired your work is if you’re not healthy.”
• “A guitar in my house, accessible, is a semi-automatic weapon against the blues.”
• “Take it easy or take it hard but TAKE IT!” – Woody Guthrie
• “There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness’”
• “You should not confuse your career with your life.”
• “A closed mouth gathers no foot.”
• “Never miss a good chance to shutup.”
• “Up to a certain point every man is what he thinks he is.” F. H. Bradley
• “The important thing is not to stop questioning.” Albert Einstein
• “The best thing you can do behind a person’s back?… is give them a pat.” Author Unknown
• “Failure is an event, never a person.” William D. Brown
• “The measure of a man is the way he bears up under misfortune.” Plutarch
• “Love your enemies, for they tell you your faults.” Benjamin Franklin
• “I hate a song that makes you think that you are not any good. I hate a song that makes you think that you are just born to lose. Bound to lose. No good to nobody. No good for nothing. Because you are too old or too young or too fat or too slim too ugly or too this or too that.”
  Woody Guthrie
• “I used to rule the world Seas would rise when I gave the word Now in the morning I sleep alone Sweep the streets I used to own.”
  Coldplay (Viva la Vida)
• Care deeply..give freely…think kindly…act gently and be at peace with the world. anonymous
• Even if your blog does manage to bring you and other people a lot of money, ultimately it is only the standards that you set for yourself that should determine your success. Michelle Stein, Blog Author of “It Might be Love”
• “How to become a Greek scholar: Enroll in Greek 1. The same is true of learning blogging and the internet. No shortcut exists.”
• “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” Dale Carnegie
• “We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.” Spider Robinson
• “Never be ashamed to make goals that are glaringly simple. You’ll be far better off than most who don’t set goals at all.”
• “The greatest tragedy in life is not death; the greatest tragedy takes place when our talents and capabilities are underutilized and allowed to rust while we are living.”  Amma
• “If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.”
• “Our lives are co-authored in dialogue.” Michael P. Nichols, Ph.D.
• “Joy is not in things; it is in us.” Benjamin Franklin
• “May you have warmth in your igloo, oil in your lamp, and peace in your heart!” Eskimo proverb
• “Quality questions create a quality life. Successful people ask better questions, and as a result, they get better answers.” Anthony Robbins
• “Learn how to find peace between the things that happen.” Susan Riley
• “The past is a dream, the future never comes, the “now” is all we have.” Eckhart Tolle (Paraphrased)
• off·beat
  adj. Slang
  “Not conforming to an ordinary type or pattern; unconventional: offbeat humor.”
  Merriam-Webster Dictionary

Games People Play

After five years studying psychology and counseling, I have come to one conclusion: no one is “sane!” The best thing you can do is have a sense of humor about it. Here are some quotes to help show what I mean:

Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and respecting different results. -Albert
Einstein

Insanity in individuals is something rare- but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule. -Friedrich Nietzsche

I don’t really trust a sane person. -Lyle Alzado

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. ~Author Unknown

Sanity is very rare: every man almost, and every woman, has a dash of madness. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you. -Rita Mae Brown

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me. -Hunter S. Thompson

It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. -Krishnamurti

Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination. -Mark Twain

No one can drive us crazy unless we give them the keys. -Doug Horton

We’re all crazy and the only difference between the patients and the therapists are that the therapists haven’t been caught yet. -Max Walker

# “Humility must always be the portion of any man who receives acclaim earned in the blood of his followers and the sacrifices of his friends.”
# “I hate war as only a soldier who has lived it can, only as one who has seen its brutality, its futility, its stupidity.”
# “Here in America we are descended in blood and in spirit from revolutionists and rebels – men and women who dare to dissent from accepted doctrine. As their heirs, may we never confuse honest dissent with disloyal subversion.”
# “Oh, that lovely title, ex-president.”
# “Whatever America hopes to bring to pass in the world must first come to pass in the heart of America.”

1. What we want to see is the child in pursuit of knowledge, not knowledge in pursuit of the child.
2. The liar’s punishment is not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else.
3. We sing in a church – why should we not dance there?
4. It is not disbelief that is dangerous to our society; it is belief.
5. All great truths begin as blasphemies.
6. We are made wise not by recollection of our past but by responsibility for our future.
7. A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.
8. I’m not a teacher: only a fellow-traveler of whom you asked the way. I pointed ahead; ahead of myself as well as you.
9. The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.
10. We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing!
11. Happiness and beauty are by-products.
12. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but we must take that risk because a little is as much as our biggest heads can hold.
13. You see things; and you say, ‘Why?’ But I dream things that never were; and I say, ‘Why not?’
14. Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
15. There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Ninja 101

• A clean Ninja is less likely to torture you.
• A happy Ninja is a ninja less likely to kill you.
• A naked Ninja has no place to hide her weapons.
• A sexually satisfied Ninja is less likely to try to kill you.
• A hugging Ninja has something up her sleeve.
• A Ninja who moves out will kill her ex-roommate for material goods.
• A Ninja who tattles should be left unpunished lest she then decide to mutilate you in your sleep.
• A sued Ninja will kill you and your lawyers.
• And on the seventh day, the Ninja rested in order to be at full strength for her next victim.
• A Ninja disappointed at Christmas will hunt down Santa Claus and dismember him in front of the elves and reindeer as a lesson to them.
• A Ninja that see her pressies under the tree is a safer Ninja.
• A Ninja who’s hugging you may be holding concealed weapons.
• Ninja looking innocent is contemplating mayhem.
• a clean Ninja is preparing to go out and slaughter people.
• Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to work she goes. The Ninja’s gonna slaughter foes, hi ho, hi ho.
• And on the seventh day, the Ninja rested in order to be at full strength for her next victim.
• A sleep-deprived Ninja is a sloppy killer.
• A rested Ninja can kill with greater creativity.
• A confused Ninja is likely to kill the wrong person
• A Ninja who has no reins, must hold her horses.
• A Ninja that kill for fun, loves her job.
• A wise Ninja once say, “The Ninja who laughs last, killed all opponents.”
• A ninja with a list is too busy to kill you.
• A teased ninja is more likely to hit you with her nunchucks.
• Keep not a ninja from the Jolly Ranchers or else your death will be slow and gruesomely painful.
• A ninja without jeans is like an athlete without a supporter.

Technology Quotes

• The manual says to insert disk three, but only two will fit. – Anonymous
• Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one. – Charles Syke
• Multi-tasking – Screwing everything up simultaneously. – Anonymous
• The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That’s where we come in; we’re computer Professionals. We cause accidents. – Nathaniel Borenstein
• Computers will never replace good old-fashioned human stupidity.- Anonymous
• E-commerce businesses, even e-commerce specialists, have yet to realize that the WWW is first and foremost an emotional experience. Few websites reflect this important priority.- Grant Fairley
• In this business, by the time you realize you’re in trouble, it’s too late to save yourself. Unless you’re running scared all the time, you’re gone. – Bill Gates
• If at first it doesn’t work, REBOOT! – Anonymous
• The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to keep all the pieces

Persistence – Seth Godin

1.  If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2.  Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3.  Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4.  Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5.  If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
6.  My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7.  Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8.  It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9.  For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10.  If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11.  Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12.  A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13.  Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14.  Men are from Earth.  Women are from Earth.  Deal with it.
15.  No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16.  A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17.  Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18.  Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19.  Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20.  There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21.  Experience is a wonderful thing.  It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22.  By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23.  Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24.  Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25.  Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Even when a samurai has not eaten, he holds his toothpick high.
he who would rule must hear and be deaf, see and be blind.
dreams are what you hope for; reality is what you plan for.
say not you know another entirely, till you have divided an inheritance with him.

Never quarrel with one’s bread and butter.

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.

Three people can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”

Problems only exist in the human mind.

There’s going to be more pain. WARREN BUFFETT the world’s richest person, warning that global financial markets still face further losses from the credit crisis

The teaching of the mind ground
Is the basis of Zen study.
The mind ground is the
Great awareness of being as is.

Ideas Quote

* Be less curious about people and more curious about ideas.–Marie Curie

* Believe in something larger than yourself… Get involved in the big ideas of your time.–Barbara Bush

* The best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas.–Linus Pauling

* But how shall I get ideas? Keep your wits open! Observe! Observe! Study! Study! But above all, Think! Think! And when a noble image is indelibly impressed upon the mind –Act!–Orison Swett Marden

* A child sees everything, looks straight at it, examines it, without any preconceived idea; most people, after they are about eleven or twelve, quite lose this power, they see everything through a few preconceived ideas which hang like a veil between them and the outer world.–Olive Schreiner (The Letters of Olive Schreiner)

* A cold in the head causes less suffering than an idea.–Jules Renard

* A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.–Sir Barnett Cocks (in New Scientist, 1973)

* Congealed thinking is the forerunner of failure…make sure you are always receptive to new ideas.–George Crane

* The … difference is that of attitude. But that difference determines who gets ideas and who does not. An apathetic or hostile attitude is the enemy of creative thought. Ideas, like people, flourish when they are welcomed and embraced.–Barbara J. Winter (Making a LIving with a Job)

* The difficulty lies not so much in developing new ideas as in escaping from old ones.– John Maynard Keynes

* Don’t worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good you’ll have to ram them down people’s throats.–Howard Aiken

* Dreams, ideas, and plans not only are an escape, they give me purpose, a reason to hang on.–Steven Callahan

* Every new idea looks crazy at first.–Robert Olson (The Art of Creative Thinking)

* Excellence is a better teacher than mediocrity. The lessons of the ordinary are everywhere. Truly profound and original insights are to be found only in studying the exemplary.–Warren Bennis

* Getting an idea should be like sitting down on a pin; it should make you jump up and do something.–E. L. Simpson

* Getting ideas is like shaving: if you don’t do it every day, you’re a bum.–Alex Kroll

* A great idea is usually original to more than one discoverer. Great ideas come when the world needs them. They surround the world’s ignorance and press for admission.–Austin Phelps

* Great people talk about great ideas; average people talk about average ideas; small people talk about other poeple.–Anonymous

* The greatest difficulty in the world is not for people to accept new ideas, but to make them forget old ideas.–Tom Peters

* A healthful hunger for a great idea is the beauty and blessedness of life.–Jean Ingelow

* Here’s what is exciting about sharing ideas with others: if you share a new idea with ten people, they get to hear it once and you get to hear it ten times.–Jim Rohn

* How do you treat ideas?
Treat them TENDERLY–they can be killed quickly.
Treat them GENTLY–they can be bruised in infancy.
Treat them RESPECTFULLY–they could be the most valuable thing that ever came into your life.
Treat them PROTECTIVELY–don’t let them get away.
Treat them NUTRITIONALLY–feed them and feed them well.
Treat them ANTISEPTICALLY–don’t let them get infected with the germs of negative thoughts.
Treat them RESPONSIBLY–Respond! Act! Do something with them! Decide to decide!–Anonymous

* An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.–Don Marquis

* An idea that is developed and put into action is more important than an idea that exists only as an idea.–Edward de Bono (Serious Creativity)

* The idea that is not dangerous is not worthy of being called an idea at all.–Elbert Hubbard

* Ideas are elusive, slippery things. Best to keep a pad of paper and a pencil at your bedside, so you can stab them during the night before they get away.–Earl Nightingale

* Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen.–John Steinbeck

* The ideas I stand for are not mine. I borrowed them from Socrates. I swiped them from Chesterfield. I stole them from Jesus. And I put them in a book. If you don’t like their rules whose would you use?–Dale Carnegie

* Ideas move rapidly when their time comes.–Carolyn Heilbrun (Toward a Recognition of Androgyny)

* If you don’t execute your ideas, they die.–Roger von Oech

* If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange these apples then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas.–G. Bernard Shaw

* If you want to kill any idea in the world, get a committee working on it.–Charles Kettering

* If you wish to find, you must search. Rarely does a good idea interrupt you.–Jim Rohn ( Jim Rohn’s Weekly E-zine – February 11, 2003)

* It is not easy to convey, unless one has experienced it, the dramatic feeling of sudden enlightenment that floods the mind when the right idea finally clinches into place.–Francis Harry Compton Crick What Mad Pursuit)

* It is not once nor twice but times without number that the same ideas make their appearance in the world.–Aristotle (“On the Heavens” in Manual of Greek Mathematics by Heath)

* It is useless to close the gates against ideas; they overleap them.–Clemens Wenzel Lothar von Metternich

* In search of ideas I spent yesterday morning in walking about, and went to the stores and bought things in four departments. A wonderful and delightful way of spending time. I think this sort of activity does stimulate creative ideas.–Arnold Bennett (Journals)

* I’ve dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas: they’ve gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the color of my mind.–Emily Bronte

* Let your thoughts meander towards a sea of ideas.–Leo D. Minnigh

* A lofty idea must be had, not of what one is doing, but of what one may some day do. Otherwise there is no point in working on.–Edgar Hilaire Germain Degas (at age 70)

* A mind once stretched by a new idea never regains it original dimension.–Oliver Wendell Holmes

* Most executives, many scientists, and almost all business school graduates believe that if you analyze data, this will give you new ideas. Unfortunately, this belief is totally wrong. The mind can only see what it is prepared to see.–Edward de Bono (Serious Creativity)

* The need to be right all the time is the biggest bar to new ideas. It is better to have enough ideas for some of them to be wrong than to be always right by having no ideas at all.–Edward de Bono

* A new idea is delicate. It can be killed by a sneer or a yawn; it can be stabbed to death by a joke or worried to death by a frown on the right person’s brow.–Charles Brower

* New ideas are one of the most overrated concepts of our time. Most of the important ideas that we live with aren’t new at all.–Andrew A. Rooney (Pieces of My Mind)

* New opinions are always suspected, and usually opposed, without any other reason but because they are not already common.–John Locke

* Nothing is more dangerous than an idea when it is the only one you have.–Emile Chartier

* One clear idea is too precious a treasure to lose.–Caroline Gilman

* One of the secrets to success is ideas mixed with inspiration.–Jim Rohn ( Jim Rohn’s Weekly E-zine – September 23, 2003)

* The only sure weapon against bad ideas is better ideas.–A. Whitney Griswold

* Opportunity ideas do not lie around waiting to be discovered. Such ideas need to be produced.–Edward de Bono (Serious Creativity)

* People with extraordinary minds, talk about ideas.
People with average minds, talk about events.
People with simple minds, talk about other people.–Anonymous

* A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.–Mark Twain

* The point is that profound but contradictory ideas may exist side by side, if they are constructed from different materials and methods. and have different purposes. Each tells us something important about where we stand in the universe, and it is foolish to insist that they must despise each other.–Neil Postman (The End of Education)

* Serious-minded people have few ideas. People with ideas are never serious.–Paul Valery

* Sometimes ideas hold us down; they become heavy anchors that hold the bark of identity fixated in shallow, dead water. –John O’Donohue (Eternal Echoes: Celtic Reflections on Our Yearning to Belong) New! as of 03/27/09

* Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even one which cannot be justified on any other grounds.–J. Finegan, USC

* There are no new ideas. There are only new ways of making them felt.–Audre Lorde (“Poetry Is Not a Luxury” Chrysalis)

* …there is no prescribed route to follow to arrive at a new idea. You have to make the intuitive leap. But the difference is that once you’ve made the intuitive leap you have to justify it by filling in the intermediate steps. N my case, it often happens that I have an idea, but then I try to fill in the intermediate steps and find that they don’t work, so I have to give it up.–Stephen W. Hawking

* There is one thing stronger than all the armies in the world, and that is an idea whose time as come.–Victor Hugo

* These people who are always briskly doing something and as busy as waltzing mice, they have little, sharp, staccato ideas, such as: “I see where I can make an annual cut of $3.47 in my meat budget.” But they have no slow, big ideas.–Brenda Ueland

* To get your ideas across, use small words, big ideas, and short sentences.–John H. Patterson

* To have good ideas, you have to have a lot of ideas. –Linus Pauling

* To swear off making mistakes is very easy. All you have to do is swear off having ideas.–Leo Burnett

* Too often new ideas are studied and analyzed until they are suffocated.–William Pollard (The Soul of the Firm)

* Truly every new idea is a violation of some older idea; as the awakening of tomorrow is a violation of today’s slumber. As long as man continues to evolve, in other words, to separate himself from chaos, and to express himself in a higher form, he must always shatter something. In shattering, he disobeys: in breaking, he creates.–Jeanne de Vietinghoff (The Understanding of the Good)

* You can judge your age by the amount of pain you feel when you come in contact with a new idea.–John Nuveen

* You cannot put a rope around the neck of an idea; you cannot put an idea up against the barrack-square wall and riddle it with bullets; you cannot confine it in the strongest prison cell your slaves could ever build.–Sean O’Casey

* You get ideas from daydreaming. You get ideas from being bored. You get ideas all the time. The only difference between writers and other people is we notice when we’re doing it.–Neil Gaiman (“Where do you get your Ideas? An Essay”)

* Your most brilliant ideas come in a flash, but the flash comes only after a lot of hard work. Nobody gets a big idea when he is not relaxed and nobody gets a big idea when he is relaxed all the time.–Edward Blakeslee

Yogi Berra Quotes

#  “This is like deja vu all over again.”

# “You can observe a lot just by watching.”

# “He must have made that before he died.” — Referring to a Steve McQueen movie.

# “I want to thank you for making this day necessary.” — On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947.

# “I’d find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I’d return it.” — When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.

# “Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?”

# “You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.”

# “I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.”

# “If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.”

# “If you can’t imitate him, don’t copy him.”

# “You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.”

# “Baseball is 90% mental — the other half is physical.”

# “It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much.”

# “Slump? I ain’t in no slump. I just ain’t hitting.”

# “A nickel isn’t worth a dime today.”

# “Nobody goes there anymore; it’s too crowded.”

# “It gets late early out there.” — Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium.

# “Glen Cove.” — Referring to Glenn Close on a movie review television show.

# Once, Yogi’s wife Carmen asked, “Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?” Yogi replied, “Surprise me.”

# “Do you mean now?” — When asked for the time.

# “I take a two hour nap, from one o’clock to four.”

# “If you come to a fork in the road, take it.”

# “You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn’t enough in the second half you give what’s left.”

# “90% of the putts that are short don’t go in.”

# “I made a wrong mistake.”

# “Texas has a lot of electrical votes.” — During an election campaign, after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.

# “Thanks, you don’t look so hot yourself.” — After being told he looked cool.

# “I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.”

# “Yeah, but we’re making great time!” — In reply to “Hey Yogi, I think we’re lost.”

# “If the fans don’t come out to the ball park, you can’t stop them.”

# “Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel.”

# “It’s never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn’t.”

# “How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don’t know how to spell my name.” — Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to “bearer.”

# “I’d say he’s done more than that.” — When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.

# “The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.”

# “He can run anytime he wants. I’m giving him the red light.” — On the acquisition of fleet Ricky Henderson.

# “I never blame myself when I’m not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn’t my fault that I’m not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?”

# “It ain’t the heat; it’s the humility.”

# “The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.”

# “You should always go to other people’s funerals; otherwise, they won’t come to yours.”

# “I didn’t really say everything I said.”

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon.

Everything that is really great and inspiring is created by the individual who can labor in freedom.

Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it.

Only the educated are free.

Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.

Because you are in control of your life. Don’t ever forget that. You are what you are because of the conscious and subconscious choices you have made.

The basis of a democratic state is liberty.

You can’t separate peace from freedom because no one can be at peace unless he has his freedom.

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting.

People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.

When in doubt, tell the truth.

Son, always tell the truth. Then you’ll never have to remember what you said the last time.

Every man has his fault, and honesty is his.

Our lives improve only when we take chances – and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.

If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.

Thomas Jefferson Quotes

A little rebellion now and then is a good thing and as necessary in the political world as storms in the physical.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to James Madison, Jan. 30, 1787

The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is its natural manure.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to W.S. Smith, Nov. 13, 1787

The legitimate powers of government extend to only such acts as are injurious to others. But it does me no injury for my neighbor to say that there are twenty gods, or no God.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, Life and Selected Writings

Walking is the very best exercise. Habituate yourself to walk very far.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Peter Carr, Aug. 19, 1785

Dispositions of the mind, like limbs of the body, acquire strength by exercise.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Robert Skipwith, Aug. 3, 1771

We must not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Samuel Kerchevel, Jul. 12, 1816

Whenever people are well-informed they can be trusted with their own government.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, quoted in The Concise Columbia Dictionary of Quotations

Are there so few inquietudes tacked to this momentary life of ours that we must need be loading ourselves with a thousand more?

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to John Page, Dec. 25, 1762

I am sure the man who powders most, perfumes most, embroiders most, and talks most nonsense, is most admired. Though to be candid, there are some who have too much good sense to esteem such monkey-like animals as these, in whose formation, as the saying is, the tailors and barbers go halves with God Almighty.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to John Page, Dec. 25, 1762

If I am to meet with a disappointment, the sooner I know it, the more of life I shall have to wear it off.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to John Page, Jul. 15, 1763

Perfect happiness, I believe, was never intended by the Deity to be the lot of one of his creatures in this world; but that he has very much put in our power the nearness of our approaches to it, is what I have steadfastly believed.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to John Page, Jul. 15, 1763

The most fortunate of us, in our journey through life, frequently meet with calamities and misfortunes which may greatly afflict us; and, to fortify our minds against the attacks of these calamities and misfortunes should be one of the principal studies and endeavors of our lives. The only method of doing this is to assume a perfect resignation to the Divine will, to consider that whatever does happen, must happen; and that, by our uneasiness, we cannot prevent the blow before it does fall, but we may add to its force after it has fallen. These considerations, and others such as these, may enable us in some measure to surmount the difficulties thrown in our way; to bear up with a tolerable degree of patience under the burden of life; and to proceed with a pious and unshaken resignation, till we arrive at our journey’s end, when we may deliver up our trust into the hands of Him who gave it, and receive such reward as to him shall seem proportioned to our merit.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to John Page, Jul. 15, 1763

We never reflect whether the story we read be truth or fiction. If the painting be lively, and a tolerable picture of nature, we are thrown into a reverie, from which if we awaken it is the fault of the writer. I appeal to every reader of feeling and sentiment whether the fictitious murder of Duncan by Macbeth in Shakespeare does not excite in him as great a horror of villainy as the real one of Henry IV by Ravaillac as related by Davila? And whether the fidelity of Nelson and generosity of Blandford in Marmontel do not dilate his breast and elevate his sentiments as much as any similar incident which real history can furnish? Does he not, in fact, feel himself a better man while reading them, and privately covenant to copy the fair example?

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Robert Skipwith, Aug. 3, 1771

The glow of one warm thought is to me worth more than money.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Chas. McPherson, Feb. 25, 1773

There is not in the British empire a man who more cordially loves a union with Great Britain than I do. But by the God that made me, I will cease to exist before I yield to a connection on such terms as the British Parliament propose.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to John Randolph, Nov. 29, 1775

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, Declaration of Independence

Prudence … will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, Declaration of Independence

Man is an imitative animal. This quality is the germ of all education in him. From his cradle to his grave he is learning to do what he sees others do.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, Notes on Virginia

No man will labor for himself who can make another labor for him.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, Notes on Virginia

When a man assumes a public trust, he should consider himself as public property.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, attributed, The Quotable Founding Fathers

Laws made by common consent must not be trampled on by individuals.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Colonel Vanmeter, Apr. 27, 1781

That government is best which governs the least, because its people discipline themselves.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, attributed, Wordsworth Dictionary of Quotations

It is error alone which needs the support of government. Truth can stand by itself.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, Notes on Virginia

Difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects perform the office of a censor morum over each other. Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch toward uniformity. What has been the effect of coercion? To make one-half the world fools, and the other half hypocrites.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, Notes on Virginia

The way to silence religious disputes is to take no notice of them.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, Notes on Virginia

Give up money, give up fame, give up science, give the earth itself and all it contains, rather than do an immoral act.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Peter Carr, Aug. 19, 1785

Whenever you are to do a thing, though it can never be known but to yourself, ask yourself how you would act were all the world looking at you, and act accordingly.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, leter to Peter Carr, Aug. 19, 1785

Encourage all your virtuous dispositions, and exercise them whenever an opportunity arises, being assured that they will gain strength by exercise, as a limb of the body does, and that exercise will make them habitual.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, leter to Peter Carr, Aug. 19, 1785

Though you cannot see, when you take one step, what will be the next, yet follow truth, justice, and plain dealing, and never fear their leading you out of the labyrinth, in the easiest manner possible. The knot which you thought a Gordian one will untie itself before you.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, leter to Peter Carr, Aug. 19, 1785

Nothing is so mistaken as the supposition that a person is to extricate himself from a difficulty by intrigue, by chicanery, by dissimulation, by trimming, by an untruth, by an injustice. This increases the difficulties tenfold; and those who pursue these methods get themselves so involved at length that they can turn no way by their infamy becomes more exposed.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, leter to Peter Carr, Aug. 19, 1785

He who permits himself to tell a lie once, finds it much easier to do it a second and third time, till at length it becomes habitual; he tells lies without attending to it, and truths without the world’s believing him. This falsehood of the tongue leads to that of the heart, and in time depraves all its good dispositions.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, leter to Peter Carr, Aug. 19, 1785

A strong body makes the mind strong.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, leter to Peter Carr, Aug. 19, 1785

Rise at a fixed and an early hour, and go to bed at a fixed and early hour also. Sitting up late at night is injurious to the health and not useful to the mind.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, leter to Peter Carr, Aug. 19, 1785

Justice indeed, on our part, will save us from those wars which would have been produced by a contrary disposition. But how can we prevent those produced by the wrongs of other nations? By putting ourselves in a condition to punish them. Weakness provokes insult and injury, while a condition to punish, often prevents them.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to John Jay, Aug. 23, 1785

An insult unpunished is the parent of many others.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to John Jay, Aug. 23, 1785

The way to prevent irregular interpositions of the people is to give them full information of their affairs through the channel of the public papers, and to contrive that those papers should penetrate the whole mass of the people. The basis of our governments being the opinion of the people, the very first object should be to keep that right; and were it left to me to decide whether we should have a government without newspapers, or newspapers without a government, I should not hesitate a moment to prefer the latter.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Colonel Edward Carrington, Jan. 16, 1787

The days of life are consumed, one by one, without an object beyond the present moment; ever flying from the ennui of that, yet carrying it with us; eternally in pursuit of happiness, which keeps eternally before us. If death or bankruptcy happen to trip us out of the circle, it is matter for the buzz of the evening, and is completely forgotten by the next morning.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Mrs. Bingham, Feb. 7, 1787

With all the imperfections of our present government, it is without comparison the best existing, or that ever did exist.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Edward Carrington, Aug. 4, 1787

What country can preserve its liberties if its rulers are not warned from time to time that this people preserve the spirit of resistance? Let them take arms.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Colonel Smith, Nov. 13, 1787

The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time, with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is its natural manure.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Colonel Smith, Nov. 13, 1787

A man’s moral sense must be unusually strong if slavery does not make him a thief.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Edward Bancroft, Jan. 26, 1788

I had rather be shut up in a very modest cottage, with my books, my family, and a few old friends, dining on simple bacon, and letting the world roll on as it liked, than to occupy the most splendid post which any human power can give.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Alexander Donald, Feb. 7, 1788

I was much an enemy to monarchies before I came to Europe. I am ten thousand times more so, since I have seen what they are. There is scarcely an evil known in these countries, which may not be traced to their king, as its source, nor a good, which is not derived from the small fibres of republicanism existing among them.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to General Washington, May 2, 1788

The power of making war often prevents it.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to General Washington, Dec. 4, 1788

I never submitted the whole system of my opinions to the creed of any party of men whatever, in religion, in philosophy, in politics, or in anything else, where I was capable of thinking for myself. Such an addiction is the last degradation of a free and moral agent. If I could not go to heaven but with a party, I would not go there at all.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Francis Hopkinson, Mar. 13, 1789

I find the pain of a little censure, even when it is unfounded, is more acute than the pleasure of much praise.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Francis Hopkinson, Mar. 13, 1789

The right to use a thing comprehends a right to the means necessary to its use and without which it would be useless.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to William Carmichael, Aug. 2, 1790

Nothing but a necessity invincible by any other means can justify … a prostitution of laws, which constitute the pillars of our whole system of jurisprudence.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter, Feb. 15, 1791Truth, between candid minds, can never do harm.

I never did in my life, either by myself or by any other, have a sentence of mine inserted in a newspaper without putting my name to it; and I believe I never shall.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to John Adams, Jul. 17, 1791

A tour of duty, in whatever line he can be most useful to his country, is due from every individual.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to James Madison, Jun. 9, 1793

The motion of my blood no longer keeps time with the tumult of the world. It leads me to seek for happiness in the lap and love of my family, in the society of my neighbors and my books, in the wholesome occupations of my farm and my affairs, in an interest or affection in every bud that opens, in every breath that blows around me, in an entire freedom of rest, of motion, of thought, owing account to myself alone of my hours and actions.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to James Madison, Jun. 9, 1793

It is not to the moderation and justice of others we are to trust for fair and equal access to market with out productions, or for our due share in the transportation of them; but to our own means of independence, and the firm will to use them.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, Report of Secretary of State on Trade and the Tariff, Dec. 16, 1793

Perhaps it will be found that to obtain a just republic (and it is to secure our just rights that we resort to government at all) it must be so extensive as that local egoisms may never reach its greater part; that on every particular question, a majority may be found in its councils free from particular interests, and giving, therefore, an uniform prevalence to the principles of justice.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Monsieur D’Ivernois, Feb. 6, 1795

It is unfortunate that the efforts of mankind to recover the freedom of which they have been so long deprived will be accompanied with violence, with errors, and even with crimes. But while we weep over the means, we must pray for the end.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Monsieur D’Ivernois, Feb. 6, 1795

Nothing but good can result from an exchange of information and opinions between those whose circumstances and morals admit no doubt of the integrity of their views.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Elbridge Gerry, May 13, 1797

You and I have formerly seen warm debates and high political passions. But gentlemen of different politics would then speak to each other and separate the business of the Senate from that of society. It is not so now. Men who have been intimate all their lives, cross the streets to avoid meeting, and turn their heads another way, lest they should be obliged to touch their hats. This may do for young men with whom passion is enjoyment. But it is afflicting to peaceable minds. Tranquility is the old man’s milk.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Edward Rutledge, Jun. 24, 1797

It is our duty still to endeavor to avoid war; but if it shall actually take place, no matter by whom brought on, we must defend ourselves. If our house be on fire, without inquiring whether it was fired from within or without, we must try to extinguish it.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to James Lewis, Jr., May 9, 1798

Those who have once got an ascendancy, and possessed themselves of all the resources of the nation, their revenues and offices, have immense means for retaining their advantage.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to John Taylor, Jun. 1, 1798

A little patience, and we shall see the reign of witches pass over, their spells dissolved, and the people recovering their true sight, restoring their government to its true principles.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to John Taylor, Jun. 1, 1798

When great evils happen, I am in the habit of looking out for what good may arise from them as consolations to us, and Providence has in fact so established the order of things, as that most evils are the means of producing some good.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Dr. Benjamin Rush, Sep. 23, 1800

I view great cities as pestilential to the morals, the health and the liberties of man. True, they nourish some of the elegant arts, but the useful ones can thrive elsewhere, and less perfection in the others, with more health, virtue and freedom, would be my choice.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Dr. Benjamin Rush, Sep. 23, 1800

Though the will of the majority is in all cases to prevail, that will, to be rightful, must be reasonable.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, First Inaugural Address, Mar. 4, 1801

Every difference of opinion is not a difference of principle.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, First Inaugural Address, Mar. 4, 1801

Opinion, and the just maintenance of it, shall never be a crime in my view.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Samuel Adams, Mar. 29, 1801

To the corruptions of Christianity I am, indeed, opposed; but not to the genuine precepts of Jesus Himself. I am a Christian, in the only sense in which He wished any one to be: sincerely attached to His doctrines, in preference to all others; ascribing to Himself every human excellence; and believing He never claimed any other.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Dr. Benjamin Rush, Apr. 21, 1803

It behooves every man who values liberty of conscience for himself to resist invasions of it in the case of others, or their case may, by change of circumstances, become his own.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Dr. Benjamin Rush, Apr. 21, 1803

When an instrument admits two constructions, the one safe, the other dangerous, the one precise, the other indefinite, I prefer that which is safe and precise.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Wilson C. Nicholas, Sep. 7, 1803

I deem no government safe which is under the vassalage of any self-constituted authorities, or any other authority than that of the nation, or its regular functionaries.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Albert Gallatin, Dec. 13, 1803

When you and I look back on the country over which we have passed, what a field of slaughter does it exhibit! Where are all the friends who entered it with us, under all the inspiring energies of health and hope? As if pursued by the havoc of war, they are strewed by the way, some earlier, some later, and scarce a few stragglers remain to count the numbers fallen, and to mark yet, by their own fall, the last footsteps of their party. Is it a desirable thing to bear up through the heat of the action, to witness the death of all our companions, and merely be the last victim? I doubt it. We have, however, the traveller’s consolation. Every step shortens the distance we have to go; the end of our journey is in sight.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Governor John Page, Jun. 25, 1804

I may err in my measures, but never shall deflect from the intention to fortify the public liberty by every possible means, and to put it out of the power of the few to riot on the labors of the many.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Judge John Tyler, Jun. 28, 1804With nations, as with individuals, our interests soundly calculated, will ever be found inseparable from our moral duties; and history bears witness to the fact, that a just nation is taken on its word, when recourse is had to armaments, and wars to bridle others.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, Second Inaugural Address, Mar. 4, 1805

Nothing can now be believed which is seen in a newspaper. Truth itself becomes suspicious by being put into that polluted vehicle.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to John Norvell, Jun. 11, 1807

The man who never looks into a newspaper is better informed than he who reads them, inasmuch as he who knows nothing is nearer to truth than he whose mind is filled with falsehoods and errors.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to John Norvell, Jun. 11, 1807

Defamation is becoming a necessary of life; insomuch, that a dish of tea in the morning or evening cannot be digested without this stimulant. Even those who do not believe these abominations, still read them with complaisance to their auditors, and instead of the abhorrence and indignation which should fill a virtuous mind, betray a secret pleasure in the possibility that some may believe them, though they do not themselves.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to John Norvell, Jun. 11, 1807

It is not he who prints, but he who pays for printing a slander, who is its real author.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to John Norvell, Jun. 11, 1807

I will not say that public life is the line for making a fortune. But it furnishes a decent and honorable support, and places one’s children on good grounds for public favor.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to William Wirt, Jan. 10, 1808

I do not believe it is for the interest of religion to invite the civil magistrate to direct its exercises, its discipline, or its doctrines; nor of the religious societies, that the General Government should be invested with the power of effecting any uniformity of time or matter among them.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Rev. Samuel Miller, Jan. 23, 1808

Having always observed that public works are much less advantageously managed than the same are by private hands, I have thought it better for the public to go to market for whatever it wants which is to be found there; for there competition brings it down to the minimum value.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to William B. Bibb, Jul. 28, 1808

A determination never to do what is wrong, prudence, and good-humor, will go far toward securing to you the estimation of the world.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Thomas Jefferson Randolph, Nov. 24, 1808

From the circumstances of my position, I was often thrown into the society of horse-racers, card-players, fox-hunters, scientific and professional men, and of dignified men; and many a time have I asked myself, in the enthusiastic moment of the death of a fox, the victory of a favorite horse, the issue of a question eloquently argued at the bar, or in the great council of the nation, well, which of these kinds of reputation should I prefer? That of a horse-jockey, a fox-hunter, an orator, or the honest advocate of my country’s rights?

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Thomas Jefferson Randolph, Nov. 24, 1808

In truth, politeness is artificial good humor, it covers the natural want of it, and ends by rendering habitual a substitute nearly equivalent to the real virtue. It is the practice of sacrificing to those whom we meet in society, all the little inconveniences and preferences which will gratify them, and deprive us of nothing worth a moment’s consideration; it is the giving a pleasing and flattering turn to our expressions, which will conciliate others, and make them pleased with us as well as themselves. How cheap a price for the good will of another!

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Thomas Jefferson Randolph, Nov. 24, 1808

I never saw an instance of one of two disputants convincing the other by argument. I have seen many, on their getting warm, becoming rude, and shooting one another.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Thomas Jefferson Randolph, Nov. 24, 1808

When I hear another express an opinion which is not mine, I say to myself, He has a right to his opinion, as I to mine; why should I question it? His error does me no injury, and shall I become a Don Quixote, to bring all men by force of argument to one opinion? If a fact be misstated, it is probable he is gratified by a belief of it, and I have no right to deprive him of the gratification. If he wants information, he will ask it, and then I will give it in measured terms; but if he still believes his own story, and shows a desire to dispute the fact with me, I hear him and say nothing. It is his affair, not mine, if he prefers error.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Thomas Jefferson Randolph, Nov. 24, 1808

Be a listener only, keep within yourself, and endeavor to establish with yourself the habit of silence, especially on politics.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Thomas Jefferson Randolph, Nov. 24, 1808

The physician is happy in the attachment of the families in which he practices. All think he has saved one of them, and he finds himself everywhere a welcome guest, a home in every house.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Judge David Campbell, Jan. 28, 1810

The practice of Kings marrying only in the families of Kings has been that of Europe for some centuries. Now, take any race of animals, confine them in idleness and inaction, whether in a sty, a stable, or a state-room, pamper them with high diet, gratify all their sexual appetites, immerse them in sensualities, nourish their passions, let everything bend before them, and banish whatever might lead them to think, and in a few generations they become all body and no mind; and this, too, by a law of nature, by that very law by which we are in the constant practice of changing the characters and propensities of the animals we raise for our own purposes. Such is the regimen in raising Kings, and in this way they have gone on for centuries.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Governor John Langdon, Mar. 5, 1810

It is wonderful to me that old men should not be sensible that their minds keep pace with their bodies in the progress of decay.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Dr. Benjamin Rush, Aug. 17, 1811

Nothing betrays imbecility so much as the being insensible of it.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Dr. Benjamin Rush, Aug. 17, 1811

Had not a conviction of the danger to which an unlimited occupation of the executive chair would expose the republican Constitution of our Government, made it conscientiously a duty to retire when I did, the fear of becoming a dotard and of being insensible of it, would of itself have resisted all solicitations to remain.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Dr. Benjamin Rush, Aug. 17, 1811

There is a fulness of time when men should go, and not occupy too long the ground to which others have a right to advance.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Dr. Benjamin Rush, Aug. 17, 1811

An honest man can feel no pleasure in the exercise of power over his fellow-citizens.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to John Melish, Jan. 13, 1812

By oft repeating an untruth, men come to believe it themselves.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to John Melish, Jan. 13, 1812

It is a wise rule, and should be fundamental in a government disposed to cherish its credit, and at the same time to restrain the use of it within the limits of its faculties, never to borrow a dollar without laying a tax in the same instant for paying the interest annually, and the principal within a given term.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to John W. Eppes, Jun. 24, 1813The earth belongs to the living, not to the dead.

Men have differed in opinion, and been divided into parties by these opinions, from the first origin of societies, and in all governments where they have been permitted freely to think and to speak.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to John Adams, Jun. 27, 1813

To me … it appears that there have been differences of opinion and party differences, from the first establishment of governments to the present day, and on the same question which now divides our own country; that these will continue through all future time; that every one takes his side in favor of the many or of the few, according to his constitution and the circumstances in which he is placed; that opinions, which are equally honest on both sides, should not affect personal esteem or social intercourse; that as we judge between the Claudii and the Gracchi, the Wentworths and the Hampdens of past ages, so of those among us whose names may happen to be remembered for a while, the next generations will judge, favorably or unfavorably, according to the complexion of individual minds and the side they shall themselves have taken.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to John Adams, Jun. 27, 1813

History, I believe, furnishes no example of a priest-ridden people maintaining a free civil government. This marks the lowest grade of ignorance, of which their civil as well as religious leaders will always avail themselves for their own purposes.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Baron Alexander von Humboldt, Dec. 6, 1813

Take from man his selfish propensities, and he can have nothing to seduce him from the practice of virtue. Or subdue those propensities by education, instruction or restraint, and virtue remains without a competitor.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Thomas Law, Jun. 13, 1814

The want or imperfection of the moral sense in some men, like the want or imperfection of the senses of sight and hearing in others, is no proof that it is a general characteristic of the species. When it is wanting, we endeavor to supply the defect by education, by appeals to reason and calculation, by presenting to the being so unhappily conformed, other motives to do good and to eschew evil, such as the love, or the hatred, or rejection of those among whom he lives, and whose society is necessary to his happiness and even existence; demonstrations by sound calculation that honesty promotes interest in the long run; the rewards and penalties established by the laws; and ultimately the prospects of a future state of retribution for the evil as well as the good done while here. These are the correctives which are supplied by education, and which exercise the functions of the moralist, the preacher, and legislator; and they lead into a course of correct action all those whose disparity is not too profound to be eradicated.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Thomas Law, Jun. 13, 1814

The Greeks and Romans had no standing armies, yet they defended themselves. The Greeks by their laws, and the Romans by the spirit of their people, took care to put into the hands of their rulers no such engine of oppression as a standing army. Their system was to make every man a soldier, and oblige him to repair to the standard of his country whenever that was reared. This made them invincible; and the same remedy will make us so.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Thomas Cooper, Sep. 10, 1814

Truth advances, and error recedes step by step only.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Dr. Thomas Cooper, Oct. 7, 1814

The way to have good and safe government is not to trust it all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly the functions he is competent to.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Joseph C. Cabell, Feb. 2, 1816

Where every man is a sharer in the direction of his ward-republic, or of some of the higher ones, and feels that he is a participator in the government of affairs, not merely at an election one day in the year, but every day; when there shall not be a man in the State who will not be a member of some one of its councils, great or small, he will let the heart be torn out of his body sooner than his power be wrested from him by a Caesar or a Bonaparte.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Joseph C. Cabell, Feb. 2, 1816

I steer my bark with Hope in the head, leaving Fear astern. My hopes, indeed, sometimes fail; but not oftener than the forebodings of the gloomy.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to John Adams, Apr. 8, 1816

Enlighten the people generally, and tyranny and oppressions of body and mind will vanish like evil spirits at the dawn of day.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Monsieur Dupont de Nemours, Apr. 24, 1816

I have ever judged of the religion of others by their lives.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Mrs. M. Harrison Smith, Aug. 6, 1816

No nation is drunken where wine is cheap; and none sober, where the dearness of wine substitutes ardent spirits as the common beverage. It is, in truth, the only antidote to the bane of whiskey.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to M. de Neuville, Dec. 13, 1818

It should be remembered, as an axiom of eternal truth in politics, that whatever power in any government is independent, is absolute also.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Judge Spencer Roane, Sep. 6, 1819

The office of reformer of the superstitions of a nation is ever dangerous.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to William Short, Aug. 4, 1820

The truth is, that the greatest enemies to the doctrines of Jesus are those, calling themselves the expositors of them, who have perverted them for the structure of a system of fancy absolutely incomprehensible, and without any foundation in His genuine words.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to John Adams, Apr. 11, 1823

The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being as His Father, in the womb of a virgin, will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerva, in the brain of Jupiter.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to John Adams, Apr. 11, 1823

Adore God. Reverence and cherish your parents. Love your neighbor as yourself, and your country more than yourself. Be just. Be true. Murmur not at the ways of Providence. So shall the life into which you have entered be the portal to one of eternal and ineffable bliss.

THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to Thomas Jefferson Smith, Feb. 21, 1825

There are only two ways of telling the complete truth–anonymously and posthumously.

I thank God I am as honest as any man living that is an old man and no honester than I.

Level with your child by being honest. Nobody spots a phony quicker than a child.

Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it.

If the truth doesn’t save us, what does that say about us?

Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well.

Honesty pays, but it doesn’t seem to pay enough to suit some people.

Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes by chance.

The best measure of a man’s honesty isn’t his income tax return. It’s the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

One must desire something to be alive.

It hurts to find out that what you wanted doesn’t match what you dreamed it would be.

There is nothing like dream to create the future. Utopia to-day, flesh and blood tomorrow.

Dreams come true. Without that possibility, nature would not incite us to have them.

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

360 Random Insightful Quote

1. Research is what I am doing when I don’t know what I am doing. (Wernher von Braun)

2. Internet Explorer (n): Another bug, that is, a feature that can’t be turned off, in Windows. See also: monopoly.

3. Do or do not, there is no try (Yoda, Jedi Muppet)

4. Bus error (passengers dumped)

5. I am going to put my root password on a web page. I’ll encrypt it of course, to prevent abuse. My fantastic encryption consist of uppercasing the entire password. Now, if anybody decrypts my lowercase password then I’ll go after them in court for invading my privacy. Even worse if they actually use it… Yes. In America, you can sue anyone, at anytime, for anything. If I want to sue you because your socks don’t match (and it doesn’t matter if they do or not), I can. Of course, any judge with four or more working brain cells would immediately throw my case out, and hopefully throw my ass in jail if he ever saw me in his courtroom again.

6. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic (Arthur C. Clarke)

7. The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. (Salvador Dali)

8. Now that I’m browsing at +2, I do avoid a lot of junk, but I sorta miss seeing my own posts

9. There is no cure for human stupidity. We might as well work it to our advantage!

10. Luck is skill supplemented by chance. (Ketriva)

11. Luck is what others call skill when they have none themselves. (Phelan Kell)

12. One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors. (Plato)

13. The more corrupt the state, the more numerous the laws. (Tacitus)

14. Someday we’ll all look back at this and laugh…

15. Kaa’s Law: In any sufficiently large group of people most are idiots.

16. If I knew what I was doing, I wouldn’t need a script.

17. Men are born ignorant, not stupid; they are made stupid by education. (Bertrand Russell)

18. Don’t drink and drive… if you can smoke and fly!

19. Perl: The only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption.

20. Art is what you can get away with. (Andy Warhol)

21. You can never have too many elephants on your team.

22. Running Microsoft? What do you want to fix today?

23. “Did I just hear you tapping the rhythm of that song with your pencil? That’s $15, pal! Cough it up!” That was a dramatization. Had this been an actual case, the music industry would have confiscated your pencil and brought you to court for plagiarism and copyright infringement. This has been a test of the Emergency Music Industry Anti-Infringement System. Thank you, and enjoy the rest of your day.

24. UNIX isn’t dead, it just smells funny…

25. ‘Hey Look! It’s not my fault; It’s some guy named “General Protection.”‘ (Ratbert)

26. Game’s over, losers! I have *all* the money!

27. When axe came into the forest, the trees said “The handle is one of us.”

28. There are few problems that can’t be solved with high explosives.

29. I use Macs for work, Linux for education, and Windows for card playing.

30. Those who will not reason, are bigots, those who cannot, are fools, and those who dare not, are slaves. (George Gordon Noel Byron)

31. There’s a short list of people whose opinions of me I give a rat’s ass about, and guess what? You’re not on it!

32. 1984? That’s a type-o, man. Orwell is here and now…

33. The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts. (Bertrand Russell)

34. Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest (Diderot)

35. The significant problems we face today can not be solved by the same level of thinking that created them. (Albert Einstein)

36. Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. (Henry Spencer)

37. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now!

38. Curiosity may have killed the cat. But lack of it, is killing mankind.

39. Those who would give up essential Liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. (Ben Franklin, 1755)

40. … Good luck trying to get ahold of them when something goes wrong. Remember that contract you signed that said “no refunds?” Mary, the provisioning manager is on an eternal coffee break …

41. An intellectual is someone who has been moderated beyond their intelligence.

42. A picture paints a thousand words, but a word paints a million different pictures.

43. Words ought to be a little wild, for they are the assault of thoughts on the unthinking (John Maynard Keynes (1883-1946))

44. Paranoia is just Reality at a higher resolution!

45. If I sang a song called “metallica sucks” and distributed it on napster…would I be banned?

46. I hate television. I hate it as much as peanuts. But I can’t stop eating peanuts. (Orson Welles)

47. Producing satire is kind of hopeless because of the literacy rate of the American public (Frank Zappa)

48. … but my main point is that you have to give the crap, not take it.

49. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film. (Steven Wright)

50. Stupidity should be painful.

51. I had a really clever response on this topic, but I forgot it and posted that crap up there instead.

52. sig: nuclear iraq bioweapon encryption cocaine korea terrorist

53. (about algos of the century) haven’t followed the link, but I hope the winner was:
1. Turn on TV
2. Watch Until bored
3. Change channel
4. Go back to 2

54. I may turn out to be a little like the guy who invented television. When they asked him what he thought television would be used for, the only thing he could think of was education. Now all we have to watch is crap.

55. If ignorance is bliss, then why aren’t more people happy?

56. What? No bandwidth is available in Buckwheat, Kentucky? Oh.. perhaps, then, there is MONEY TO BE MADE if someone were to finance a big, fat pipe back to civilization! Or perhaps not.. and if not, that’s probably why it isn’t there in the first place.

57. Here’s a nickel, kid. Get yourself a better computer. (Dilbert)

58. You listening, Columbia? You want me to buy the new N’Sync album, rather than just download the tunes? Well, what kind of deal are you willing to make me, you greedy bastards? (insert evil laughter here)

59. To brand a book as unsuitable is an important step toward making it required reading. (Marvin Kaye)

60. Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it (Andrew Young)

61. He who says it cannot be done should not interrupt a man doing it. (Chinese Proverb)

62. British Telecom has just patented Bullshit and its smell!

63. I’d rather have BeOS being developed by paid professionals than by a bunch of whining open-sourcers.

64. There’s none of that IDirectSound2->QueryDeviceAndPrayToGod() crap. It’s SIMPLE.

65. Wenn alle Stricke reißen, häng’ ich mich auf.

66. I love vegetarians – some of my favorite foods are vegetarians.

67. Father: “I don’t have any time now” Daughter: ” But time is now” (F. Scaparro, Talis Pater, Rizzoli 1996)

68. Press SPACEBAR once to quit or twice to save changes

69. Quantum Physics: the dreams that stuff is made of.

70. True democracy is best defined as ‘three wolves and a sheep voting on who’s for dinner’.

71. You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. (Al Capone)

72. I think it would be a great idea. (Ghandi’s answer when asked what he thought of Western Civilization)

73. Do you want to trace your family tree? Run for public office. (Patricia H. Vance)

74. In politics stupidity is not a handicap. (Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821))

75. Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it. (Mahatma Ghandi)

76. I didn’t expect her to counter my plan with nakedness! (Matthew Miller)

77. Never knock on Death’s door: Ring the doorbell and run, he hates that.

78. If it ain’t broke, fix it ’til it is!

79. Your freedom to move your arm ends where my nose begins.

80. I think there is a world market for about five computers. (Thomas J. Watson (Chairman, IBM) 1943)

81. Love can not be much younger than the lust for murder. (Sigmund Freud)

82. Knock, Knock…Who’s there?…Penguin…Penguin Who? I’LL KILL YOU GATES, YOU SLIMEBALL!

83. Don’t rely on the kindness of strangers.

84. A little science estranges a man from God. A lot of science brings him back. (Francis Bacon)

85. To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. (Thomas Edison)

86. He (Steven King) is one of those ’silver bullet’ writers who can shit on a piece of paper and sell a million copies of it.

87. Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former. (Albert Einstein)

88. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?

89. 2 + 2 = 5, for sufficiently large values of 2.

90. The hardest thing of all is to find a black cat in a dark room … especially if there is no cat. (Confucius)

91. First they ignore you. Then they laugh at you. Then they fight you. Then you win. (Mahatma Ghandi)

92. If you can’t win by reason, go for volume. (Calvin)

93. You never truly understand a thing until you can explain it to your grandmother. (Albert Einstein)

94. It’s a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. (Andrew Jackson)

95. I have little patience with scientists who take a board of wood, look for the thinnest part, and drill a great number of holes where the drilling is easy. (Albert Einstein)

96. If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. (Derek Bok, Former Havard President)

97. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier … I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. (Steven Wright)

98. When you gotta shoot, SHOOT! Don’t talk. (Tuco Benedicto Pacifico Juan Maria Ramirez)

99. If Windows is the answer, it must have been a stupid question.

100. A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.

101. One World, one Web, one Program. (Microsoft promotional ad 1995)
Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Führer. (Adolf Hitler)

102. That reminds me of a comment Yogi Berra once said when asked about his favorite restaurant: “Nobody goes there anymore. It’s too crowded.”

103. The universe is not required to be in perfect harmony with human ambition. (Carl Sagan)

104. Evil always wins, because good is stupid. (Dark Helmet)

105. We are the most ripped-off company around … (Bill Gates, 1980)

106. Life is short. Forgive quickly. Kiss slowly. (Robert Doisneau)

107. All great truths begin as blasphemies. (George Bernard Shaw)

108. Laziness is the first step towards efficiency. (Patrick Bennett)

109. Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams. (Mary Ellen Kelly)

110. Have you ever noticed? Anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone driving faster is a moron. (George Carlin)

111. ALL generalizations are shit.

112. Reality corrupted. Reboot universe? (Y/N)

113. Memorize the books before burning.

114. Never attribute to maliciousness that which can adequately be explained by stupidity! (Mark Twain)

115. Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. (Carl Sagan)

116. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he doesn’t exist.

117. As we say in the south – “You can’t un-ring a bell!”

118. Once is an accident. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

119. Apple Computer : Proudly going out of business for over 20 years

120. When do you want to restart Windows today?

121. Faith: not *wanting* to know what is true. (Nietzsche)

122. Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie. (Dennis Miller)

123. Lisp kills brain cells. It’s one of the few languages you can walk away from to get a soda, come back, and have no idea what you were doing…

124. C is the language that believes that the programmer knows what he wants and deserves to get it, good and hard. (H.L. Menken, paraphrased)

125. The MPAA must be saying “Ho Lee Fook.” Pioneer had introduced a rewritable DVD drive.

126. One exhausted campaign aide said if she survives, she plans to “apply for a job in a freak show.”

127. But there’s a big difference between involvement and commitment. As someone once said while staring at a breakfast plate piled high with eggs and bacon: the chicken was involved, but the pig was committed.

128. DSL… And even then, the contracts have more weasel words in them than Bill Clinton ever heard of!

129. (Netscape 6.0) Das erinnert mich wieder an die 3 G’s: Gesehen, Gelacht, Gelöscht und zurück zu Opera.

130. God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. (Voltaire)

131. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

132. … don’t forget to mention KDE’s addiction to ram and processor time. I’ve seen fork bombs which took less resources!

133. Earn cash in your spare time – blackmail your friends

134. I can’t believe good security now involves weighing my keyboard. (Nicodermo Scarfo Face-o)

135. Stare too long into the abyss of paranoia, and the abyss starts to stare back…

136. It compiles – let’s ship it!

137. Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. (Pablo Picasso)

138. Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers. (Voltaire)

139. So, the manager turned to the engineer who designed the first modem and asked why he wanted to build two prototypes…

140. People who do stupid things with hazardous materials often die. (Jim Davidson)

141. I didn’t realize that when the boss said “We work a half day here” he meant 8am to 8pm

142. Fanatic (n): a person who won’t change his mind and can’t change the subject.

143. If A equals success, then the formula is A=X+Y+Z. X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. (Albert Einstein)

144. It is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail. (Abraham Maslow)

145. Almost isn’t good enough – but it’s almost good enough.

146. Apple is still perceived as a dead or dying maker of overpriced, under-performing goofy-looking hardware which only works with a one-button, hockey-puck mouse.

147. As always with non-fluent speakers, the fish is your friend. Remember: You get a twofold benefit with Babelfish: The translation to the story to get the main gist of the story, and the actual translation has so many laughable areas, you have an entry to a bad poetry competition.

148. My favorite word is existentialism. I can’t say it and I’m not quite sure what it means. (Geri Halliwell)

149. If that wasn’t enough, it’s actually based on an implementation of a Turing machine.

150. We don’t stop playing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop playing.

151. My head hurts, My feet stink, and I don’t love Jesus. (Jimmy Buffett)

152. Blessed is he who expects the worst, for he shall not be disappointed.

153. He who can laugh at himself shall be forever amused.

154. Don’t comment your code – it was hard to write, it should be hard to read!

155. “FORMAT C:” – Kills bugs dead!

156. Well what the hell did you expect? You expect to view Matrix with a Matrox card? Next time read the fine print. To view Matrix, buy a Matrix card. Damn.

157. Caught signal SIGSIG read this comment again.

158. If Godzilla did not exist, man would have had to create him.

159. If you know yourself and the enemy, fear not the loss of a battle. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every win there will be a loss. If you know neither yourself nor the enemy, you will succumb every battle. (Sun Tzu, The Art of War)

160. If you want to learn, the best way to do so is through experience. Unless you can’t stand a loss on your record, just play somebody, get whooped, ask for any tips at the end of the game, rinse and repeat until people ask for your tips. Good luck. (Zirale)

161. Trust in God, but tie your camel. (Old Persian proverb)

162. The knowledge that you are an idiot, is what distinguishes you from one.

163. If you can’t learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly.

164. Don’t eat yellow snow.

165. You can still get the message, but maybe not by cryptanalysis. If you’re in this business, you go after a reasonably cheap, reliable method. It may be one of the three Bs: burglary, bribery or blackmail,” he said.

166. All your CD sales are belong to us.

167. Confusion to you, losers.

168. Standards are to Microsoft what garlic is to vampires.

169. The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’ll be when you kill them.

170. Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. (Albert Einstein)

171. Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

172. If Java had true garbage collection, most programs would delete themselves upon execution. (Robert Sewell)

173. Lawyers are quite adept at making ridiculous arguments with a perfectly straight face and not a touch of irony. You can’t embarrass a trial lawyer.

174. Those who cast the votes decided nothing. Those who count the votes decided everything. (Stalin)

175. Send lawyers, guns and money. The shit has hit the fan. (Warren Zevon)

176. No publisher will ever pay you enough to successfully sue them. (Dave Sim)

177. Never meant half of the things I said to you. So you know, there’s a half that might be true. (G. Phillips)

178. The cigarette does the smoking, you’re just the sucker.

179. First a decryptor is a circumvention device, then a program that makes a decryptor is a circumvention device, then a paper detailing techniques that could be used to create such a program is a circumvention device. How much further would it have to go before the RIAA declared the human brain to be a ‘circumvention device’? Everyone with an IQ above 120, please report to either the lobotomy room or the courtroom. (Kevin Fox)

180. Did someone hit them with a stupid stick? (about Intel releasing the P4)

181. Arguing with an engineer is like wrestling with a pig in mud, after a while you realize the pig is enjoying it.

182. Life’s not fair, but the root password helps. (BOFH)

183. Attorney Daniel Alter likened DeCSS to “software programs that shut down navigational programs in airplanes or smoke detectors in hotels.” He warned: “That software creates a very real possibility of harm. That is precisely what is at stake here.” Those dire warnings had hackers sitting in the back of the courtroom snickering. After all, DeCSS was developed by open-source devotees as a simple way to play DVDs on a Linux computer.

184. You could write a DeCSS implementation using Perl’s English module, record yourself reading the code out loud with Metallica playing in the background, encode it as an MP3, and piss of both the RIAA and the MPAA at the same time.

185. A no smoking section in a restaurant is like having a no peeing section in a swimming pool.

186. The suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. (Oscar Wilde)

187. If I have been able to see further, it was only because I stood on the shoulders of giants. (Newton)

188. “God is dead.” -Nietsche, “Nietsche is dead.” -God

189. How many six year olds does it take to design software? (From Microsoft Ad.)

190. We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has powerful muscles, but no personality. (Einstein)

191. I have a shotgun, a shovel and 30 acres behind the barn. Do not trifle with me.

192. Could someone please buy these (watermark) people a clue? I mean, do they just live in their own little world completely oblivious to the reality that they are fighting a war they can’t win? There are just so many reasons they can’t stop the copying of digital information.

193. If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe. (Carl Sagan)

194. There is an old proverb (Swahili, I think) that says “when elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers”.

195. The only thing worse than being talked about – is not being talked about! (Oscar Wilde)

196. Stand up … and you lose your seat.

197. $> cd pub
$> more beer

198. Do as I do : don’t have a TV. All of a sudden, you will find yourself with a lot of free time on your hands to play with your favorite PS2, code a bit there and there, surf the web, read books (ya know those weird thingies with a lot of paper inside), meet with friends, learn cooking, have sex and assorted fun, listen to music, you name it. TV is a brain-munching parasite, worse than ESB. With satellite, cable and 100 channels of shit (© the Pink Floyds), it doesn’t even have anymore the excuse of being an unifying social experience as it was 30 years ago, you know, a common something that could bring all sorts of people together, however insignificant was this shared “culture”. Throw this TV away. Have a life.

199. We must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately. (Benjamin Franklin, at the signing of the Declaration of Independence, July 4, 1776)

200. Come the millennium, month twelve, in the home of the greatest power, the village idiot will come forth to be acclaimed the leader. (Nostradamus, 1555)

201. A physicist is an atom’s way of knowing about atoms.

202. People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.

203. Linux *is* user friendly. It’s not idiot-friendly or fool-friendly!

204. The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead.

205. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. (Mark Twain)

206. It all goes back to the golden rule. He who has the gold makes the rules.

207. Secret windows code: while (1) { if (num_process > 1) { bluescreen(rand()); } }

208. A Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer is to computing what a McDonalds Certified Food Specialist is to fine cuisine.

209. If you think my post is senseless, try reading it backwards.

210. Wagner’s music is better than it sounds. (Mark Twain)

211. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. (William James)

212. In matters of principle, stand like a rock; in matters of taste, swim with the current. (Thomas Jefferson)

213. Better to stay silent, and let people think you’re an idiot than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

214. Christianity is a 2000 year old swindle… It makes you fear when there is nothing to fear, and hope when there is nothing to hope for. (Hugh Whitemore, Breaking the Code)

215. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. (Jack Nicholson)

216. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

217. attrition.org’s response to MC litigation threat:

218. Two witches watch two watches. Which witch watched which watch?

219. Why don’t record labels just ROT13 all the lyrics? Can’t really hurt today’s pop songs…

220. “‘AOL’s actions are unprecidented and completely anti-consumer’ said Microsoft Spokesman Vivek Varma.” ::falls off chair laughing:: It’s sad to see that big business revolves around the “idiot factor”, that is, trying to influence the decisions of the idiots that will use whatever the “Out of Box Experience” dictates they should use.

221. Even the continents drift. (George. F. Will)

222. Never trust any writing that uses the word “consumers.” This writing is pro-corporate propaganda, written by and for corporate heads.

223. When in doubt, recompile the source.

224. The more you know, the less you understand.

225. This Ashcroft character seems like a bigger threat to the US than Bin Ladin. All he needs is a towel on his head and a camel betw een his legs and he’s set. (anonymous hacker)

226. If this sentence in German were, then would the words in the right order be.

227. Es wird nie so viel gelogen wie vor der Wahl, waehrend des Krieges und nach der Jagd (Bismarck)

228. Be incomprehensible. If they can’t understand you, they can’t disagree with you.

229. Multiple Inheritance is like a parachute. You don’t often need it, but when you do, you really need it (Booch)

230. Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

231. Emacs is a great OS, but it lacks a good text editor. That’s why I use vi.

232. To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three persons, two of them absent.

233. rm -f /bin/laden

234. I will never let my schooling get in the way of my education (Mark Twain)

235. One of us needs to stick ones’ head in a bucket of ice water (Hobbes)

236. That money talks, I’ll not deny, I heard it once, It said “Good-bye.” (Richard Armour)

237. Just crack the copy-protection (which many rippers already can do) by checking the “do not use CD error-correction” checkbox availible in some rippers/encoders. I can’t remember whether it’s to be checked or unchecked, you figure it out. Or, you could write a crack, and release it sans source. That way, it’s protected by the DMCA. You can market it as a “sound quality enhancer” or some such. That way, the Industry must legally sit helplessly by as anyone with both brains and balls wrecks shop.

238. Repartee – Something we think of twenty-four hours too late (Mark Twain)

239. Buffer the overflow slayer

240. Never argue with an idiot, they’ll only drag you down to their level then beat you by experience.

241. Death by colon cancer is probably the final destination for anybody who lives too long. You can’t pack all that shit in there and not have some cellular mutation eventually.

242. Never buy from a rich salesman (Goldenstern)

243. We regret to inform you, Mr. Anderson, that you have three different people in your household using this computer to access the internet. Your bill will be adjusted accordingly.

244. Science is like sex: Sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it (Feynman)

245. A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step (Lao Tsu)

246. This space unintentionally left unblank

247. Our universe is probably a mere atom inside a larger universe, and these radiation bursts are simply the efforts of their Einstein trying to split us.

248. Read Nemesis (Isaac Asimov). BTW, by the time a large spaceship like that goes half way to the star we would have developed technologies allowing us to go back and forward to and from the star 100 times a day. The poor crew of that ship would have arrived to the star only to visit a McDonald restaurant!

249. After Clarke wrote “The Fountains of Paradise,” which included the space elevator concept, he was asked when such devices might actually come into use. His response: “Probably about 50 years after everyone quits laughing.”

250. Gravity doesn’t apply to us now that we have rockets.

251. As for Mr. Gates… let’s just say that I’ve shaken his hand, and twelve years later it still feels a bit dirty.

252. I think Smalltalk is inappropriate for serious industrial developments. After all, run time is a little late to find out whether you have a landing gear. (Bertrand Meyer)

253. I have a theory it’s impossible to prove anything, but I can’t prove it.

254. After all is said and done, there is always alot more said than done.

255. There is a point in your life when you realize that you have written enough destructors… (Miguel de Icaza on .NET)

256. Fatal Exception: Microsoft has performed an illegal operation: Abort, Retry in another court, Ignore?

257. The cure for 1984 is 1776.

258. unzip;strip;touch;finger;mount;fsck;more;yes;umount;sleep

259. Dancing is the vertical expression of a horizontal desire (Robert Frost)

260. Best read with a brain.

261.

262. The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.

263. Good judgement comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgement. (W. Wriston, former Citibank CEO)

264. This reminds me of a hilarious study I read about in college… Several pigeons were put into identical boxes that would spit out a food pellet once every minute. Within a few minutes one pigeon was hopping up and down constantly, the second was continually spinning, and another wouldn’t stop bobbing his head… It turns out tha t they were assuming that whatever action they were doing when the food first was dispensed was causing the food to be released, so they would continue to do it indefinitely to keep the food coming! If A is happening, then it MUST be a result of B….

265. We live in a world where lemonade is artificial and soap has real lemon.

266. The simple truth is that interstellar distances will not fit into the human imagination (Douglas Adams)

267. Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be tolerated until they acquire some sense. (William Phelps)

268. Don’t take life seriously, you’ll never get out alive.

269. The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from one graveyard to another. (J. Frank Dobie, “A Texan in England”)

270. I don’t know who my grandfather was; I am much more concerned to know what his grandson will be. (Abraham Lincoln)

271. Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake. (H.L. Mencken)

272. The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. (Voltaire)

273. I am always ready to learn although I do not always like to be taught. (Churchill)

274. California’s $95M Oracle deal: “Look, just because you can’t even install or use the software doesn’t mean you don’t have to pay for it! I paid $25,000 to your campaign, and I want my $95M in revenues, dammit!”

275. Sony (holding royal flush): I raise you $1.
Nintendo (holding four 9s): I’ll see your $1 and raise you $2.
MS (holding jack-squat): I’ll see your $2 and raise you A MILLION BILLION DOLLARS.
Sony: Fold.
Nintendo: Fold.
MS: Mwahahahahahaha.

276. All spelling errors are intentional and are there to show new and improved ways of spelling old words. Gramatical errors are due to too many English classes/teachers.

277. Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities. (Voltaire)

278. We will either find a way, or make one. (Hannibal (247-183 B.C.), Carthaginian General)

279. A perfect digital copy of crappy content … is still crappy content. When will the networks learn?

280. Tell me, Mr. Anderson, what good is a phone call when you are unable to speak? (The Matrix)

281. Backgammon is a game of luck. The more you play the luckier you get.

282. If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up people together to collect wood and don’t assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea. (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)

283. If something I said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, I meant the other one.

284. One of Clarke’s Laws: The universe is not only stranger than we imagine, it is stranger than we CAN imagine

285. RIAA’s obligitary business plan post:
1. Screw customers
2. Screw now former-customers
3. Censor the internet
4. ???
5. Profit!

286. It could be a while until we can expand worm holes and tow them to a neutron star but didn’t someone say that if it is possible it will happen. If it is impossible it will just take a little longer.

287. As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. (Albert Einstein)

288. Florence Fund @ Tompaine.com:

289. You will suffer endless agonies if you fail to understand this simple point. (Numerical Recipes in C, about maxtrix input of the simplex algorithm)

290. But don’t feel bad. For a human to compete against a computer in some kind of ‘best in the world’ contest is a little like letting a hydraulic jack enter a weight lifting contest.

291. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts Do.

292. If I had more time, I would have written you a shorter letter.

293. Experience proves that anyone who has studied geometry is infinitely quicker to grasp difficult subjects than one who has not. (Plato: The Republic, Book 7, 375 B.C.)

294. Once you’ve discovered it’s easy to make a universe out of an ounce of vacuum, why not make a bunch of them?” (Dr. Craig Hogan, a cosmologist at the University of Washington)

295. The universe in some sense must have known that we were coming. (Freeman Dyson)

296. If it crashes when you do that, don’t do that. (advice seen on webpage)

297. The problem with re-inventing the wheel is the desire to make it square, so it won’t roll away, and to later enhance it by making it triangular thereby eliminating one bump.

298. Baruch’s Observation: If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

299. Well, Ms. Rosen, I’ll tell you what: You forward all your e-mail unedited to a public mailing list, scan and post all your private written correspondence to the same list, give us all-read access to your hard drives and post 24-7 webcams in your boudoir and bathroom, and then I’ll believe you understand the invasion of privacy your shrill insistence on flushing what’s left of the Constitution down the toilet entails. (Ferrell)

300. Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. (Mark Twain)

301. For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong. (H.L. Mencken)

302. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality. (Dalai Lama)

303. I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. (Albert Einstein)

304. It’s worth pointing out that you don’t have to optimize what you don’t write. The most powerful optimization tool in existence may be the delete key. (The art of unix programming)

305. Anytime you’ve got the pope and the Dixie Chicks against ya, your time is up. (Michael Moore at the 2003 Academy Awards, addressing “curious George” W. Bush)

306. I can already tell you what’s going to happen to all those extra cycles that faster hardware is going to give us in the next hundred years. They’re nearly all going to be wasted. (Paul Graham)

307. A deep, unwavering belief is a sure sign you’re missing something.

308. I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. (Voltaire)

309. The Microsoft motto: “We’re the leaders, wait for us!”

310. Some people, when confronted with a problem, think “I know, I’ll use regular expressions.” Now they have two problems. (Jamie Zawinski, in comp.lang.emacs)

311. I always said I wanted to die of old age, by which I meant that I wanted to be stepped on by an elephant while making love. (Zelazny)

312. The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas-covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away, and think this to be normal, is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be… (Douglas Adams)

313. Deserves [death]! I daresay he does. Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. For even the very wise cannot see all ends. (Gandalf)

314. The title of this
this book contains
two errors.

315. The Stone Age did not end for lack of stone, and the Oil Age will end long before the world runs out of oil.

316. History is a lie commonly agreed upon. (Oscar Wilde)

317. It’s a DSP, not a CPU. Stream comes in one end, chip does some magical shit to it, stream comes out the other end.

318. Results! Why, man, I have gotten a lot of results. I know several thousand things that won’t work. (Thomas Edison)

319. When anger rises, think of the consequences. (Confucius, 551-479 BC)

320. C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog.

321. Fascists divide in two categories: the fascists and the anti-fascists. (Ennio Flaiano)

322. But the decision to base UserLinux on GNOME stands. Further personal abuse will be ignored as cheerfully as it has been for the past week, I’ve had a decade of practice at that and do it really well now. (Bruce Perens on GNOME vs. KDE in UserLinux)

323. An approximate answer to the right question is worth a great deal more than a precise answer to the wrong question. (John Tukey)

324. Don’t worry about what anybody else is going to do. The best way to predict the future is to invent it. (Alan Kay)

325. Dilbert’s Project Uncertainty Principle: If you understand a project, you won’t know its cost, and vice versa.

326. A doctor can always bury his mistakes. An architect can only advise his client to plant ivy. (Frank Lloyd Wright)

327. System debugging, like astronomy, has always been done chiefly at night. (Frederick P. Brooks, Jr.)

328. In trying to understand the Linux phenomenon, then, we have to look not at a single innovator but to a sort of bizarre Trinity : Linus Torvalds, Richard Stallman, and Bill Gates. Take away any of these three and Linux would not exist. (Neal Stephenson)

329. In all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane. (Sam Clemens)

330. The best time to make friends is before you need them. (Ethel Barrymore)

331. Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

332. Patch or be patched. (relating to a Linux kernel vulnerability)

333. If your opponent is of choleric temper, seek to irritate him. Pretend to be weak, that he may grow arrogant. If he is taking his ease, give him no rest. If his forces are united, separate them. (Sun Tzu)

334. All warfare is based on deception. Hence, when able to attack, we must seem unable; when using our forces, we must seem inactive; when we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away; when far away, we must make him believe we are near. (Sun Tzu)

335. Oppression and harassment is a small price to pay to live in the land of the free. (Montgomery Burns)

336. God is what mind becomes when it has passed beyond the scale of our comprehension. (Freeman Dyson)

337. If make doesn’t do what you expect it to, it’s a good chance the make-file is wrong. (BSD make documentation)

338. I learned from experience that one cannot be victorious by the sword alone. We don’t want to rule over millions of Palestinians, whose population is doubling every generation. The disengagement is a gateway to another reality. (Ariel Sharon, Oct.2004)

339. To this day, many C programmers believe that ’strong typing’ just means pounding extra hard on the keyboard. (Peter van der Linden)

340. Whenever people agree with me, I always think I must be wrong. (Oscar Wilde)

341. Java is high performance. By high performance we mean adequate. By adequate we mean slow. (Mr. Bunny)

342. The #1 rule of engineering:
* Fast (e.g. fast to market)
* Cheap (e.g. low priced)
* Good (e.g. high performance)
Pick two.

343. Sometimes I think we’re alone in the universe, and sometimes I think we’re not. In either case the idea is quite staggering. (Arthur C.Clarke)

344. Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still. (Chinese Proverb)

345. An open operating system does not only have advantages. (Microsoft)

346. … McVoy first blustered and threatened, but ultimately chose to go home and take his ball with him: he withdrew permission for gratis use by free software projects, and Linux developers will move to other software. The program they no longer use will remain unethical as long as it is non-free, but they will no longer promote it, nor by using it teach others to give freedom low priority. We can begin to forget about that program. … Richard M. Stallman about Bitkeeper software. Full article: BitKeeper bon-voyage is a happy ending

347.

348. If God had meant for man to see the sunrise, He would have scheduled it later in the day.

349. There are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns the ones we dont know we dont know. (Donald Rumsfeld)

350. I didn’t know it was impossible when I did it.

351. Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die. (Mel Brooks)

352. C++ doesn’t try to make it impossible for bad programmers to write bad programs; it enables reasonable developers to create superior software. (C++ FAQ Lite)

353. Everything is vague to a degree you do not realize till you have tried to make it precise. (Bertrand Russell, The Philosophy of Logical Atomism)

354. NO USA BIDDERS. Absolutely no US bidders. This is a Great British Pounds auction. No shipping to the USA. USA BIDDERS WILL BE REPORTED TO EBAY FOR INTERFERENCE. This is due to the fact that US bidders don’t understand the exchange rate differences. (found on Ebay)

355. Stallman then reiterates the four freedoms that he says underpin Free Software. Real programmers count from zero, so freedom Zero is the freedom to run the program as you wish; One is the freedom to study and change the software; Two is the freedom to redistribute copies as you wish; Three is the freedom to distribute modifed versions as you wish.

356. Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it. (Salvador Dali)

357. Never argue with a pedant over nomenclature. It wastes your time and annoys the pedant. (Lois McMaster Bujold, Memory)

358. Benjamin Franklin once asked, “Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time for that’s the stuff life is made of. Time must be the greatest prodigality; since lost time is never found again and what we call time enough always proves little enough. Let us then be up and doing, and doing to the purpose; so that by diligence shall we do more with less perplexity. Slo th makes all things difficult, but industry all easy. Employ thy time well, if thou meanest to gain leisure. Since thou are not sure of a minute, throw not away an hour.”

359. Gandhi said, an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

360. The secret of happiness is to make others believe they are the cause of it.

361. Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. –Albert Schweitzer
362: Happiness depends upon ourselves. –Aristotle
363: Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one’s values.
–Ayn Rand
364: If there were in the world today any large number of people who desired their own happiness more than they desired the unhappiness of others, we could have paradise in a few years. –Bertrand Russell
365: All I can say about life is, Oh God, enjoy it! -Bob Newhart
366: I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy. -J. D. Salinger
367.The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase; if you pursue happiness you’ll never find it. -C. P. Snow
368. Cherish all your happy moments: they make a fine cushion for old age. -Christopher Morley
369. A person is never happy except at the price of some ignorance. Anatole France
370. Sometimes it’s hard to avoid the happiness of others. -David Assael
371.Slow down and enjoy life. It’s not only the scenery you miss by going too fast – you also miss the sense of 372.where you are going and why. -Eddie Cantor
373.The bird of paradise alights only upon the hand that does not grasp.-John Berry
374.A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.-George Bernard Shaw
375.To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost. -Gustave Flaubert
376.Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults. -Thomas Szasz
377.Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.-Helen Keller
378.Hope is a waking dream. -Aristotle
379.I know how men in exile feed on dreams of hope.-Aeschylus
380.He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it. -Douglas Adams
381. To accomplish great things, we must dream as well as act. -Anatole France
382 To want to be what one can be is purpose in life. -Cynthia Ozick
383 Human beings have an inalienable right to invent themselves. -Germaine Greer
384 The wisest men follow their own direction.-Euripides
385 Keep true to the dreams of thy youth.-Friedrich von Schiller
386 You see things; and you say, ‘Why?’ But I dream things that never were; and I say, “Why not?”-George Bernard Shaw
387 Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night. -Edgar Allan Poe
388 They say dreams are the windows of the soul–take a peek and you can see the inner workings, the nuts and bolts. -Henry Bromel
389 Dreams surely are difficult, confusing, and not everything in them is brought to pass for mankind. For fleeting dreams have two gates: one is fashioned of horn and one of ivory. Those which pass through the one of sawn ivory are deceptive, bringing tidings which come to nought, but those which issue from the one of polished horn bring true results when a mortal sees them.-Homer
390 We need men who can dream of things that never were. -John F. Kennedy
391. Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.-Tommy Cooper

392. “The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page.” – St. Augustine

393. “There are no foreign lands. It is the traveler only who is foreign.” – Robert Louis Stevenson
394. “All the pathos and irony of leaving one’s youth behind is thus implicit in every joyous moment of travel: one knows that the first joy can never be recovered, and the wise traveler learns not to repeat successes but tries new places all the time.” – Paul Fussell
395. “No one realizes how beautiful it is to travel until he comes home and rests his head on his old, familiar pillow.” – Lin Yutang
396. “Your true traveler finds boredom rather agreeable than painful. It is the symbol of his liberty-his excessive freedom. He accepts his boredom, when it comes, not merely philosophically, but almost with pleasure.” – Aldous Huxley
397. “All travel has its advantages. If the passenger visits better countries, he may learn to improve his own. And if fortune carries him to worse, he may learn to enjoy it.” – Samuel Johnson
400. “For my part, I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel’s sake. The great affair is to move.” – Robert Louis Stevenson
401. “One’s destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things.” – Henry Miller
402.  ?A traveler without observation is a bird without wings.” – Moslih Eddin Saadi
403. “When we get out of the glass bottle of our ego and when we escape like the squirrels in the cage of our personality and get into the forest again, we shall shiver with cold and fright. But things will happen to us so that we don’t know ourselves. Cool, unlying life will rush in.” – D. H. Lawrence
404.  “To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.” – Freya Stark
405. “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain
406. “Travel is more than the seeing of sights; it is a change that goes on, deep and permanent, in the ideas of living.” – Miriam Beard
407. “We live in a wonderful world that is full of beauty, charm and adventure. There is no end to the adventures we can have if only we seek them with our eyes open.” – Jawaharial Nehru
408. “Tourists don’t know where they’ve been, travelers don’t know where they’re going.” – Paul Theroux
409. “To my mind, the greatest reward and luxury of travel is to be able to experience everyday things as if for the first time, to be in a position in which almost nothing is so familiar it is taken for granted.” – Bill Bryson
410. “Two roads diverged in a wood and I – I took the one less traveled by.” – Robert Frost
411. “A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.” – Lao Tzu
412. “There is no moment of delight in any pilgrimage like the beginning of it.” – Charles Dudley Warner
413. “If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion and avoid the people, you might better stay at home.” – James Michener
414. “A journey is best measured in friends, rather than miles.” – Tim Cahill
415. “I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.” – Mark Twain
416. A boar is often held by a not-so-large dog.-Ovid
417. Other people’s things are more pleasing to us, and ours to other people.-Publilius Syrus
418. Fortune smiles upon our first effort.-Virgil
419. A timid dog barks more violently than it bites.-Curtius Rufus
420. It is difficult to retain what you may have learned unless you should practice it.-Pliny the Younger
421.The appearances of things are deceptive.-Seneca
422. Men gladly believe that which they wish for.-Caesar
423. A liar must be good at remembering.-Quintilian
424. Be patient and tough; some day this pain will be useful to you.-Ovid
425. What are you laughing at? The joke’s on you.-Horace
426. True courage is not the brutal force of vulgar heroes, but the firm resolve of virtue and reason.- Whitheead
427. True art is characterized by an irresistible urge in the creative artist- Albert Einstein
428. Creative thinking should be viewed as an essential supplement to, though not a replacement for, critical thinking.- Lloyd P. Provost & R. M. Sprout, Quality Progress [August 1996]
429. Creative minds have always been known to survive any kind of bad training.- Anna Freud
430. Creative power, is that receptive attitude of expectancy which makes a mold into which the plastic and as yet undifferentiated substance can flow and take the desired form.- Thomas Troward
431. Creative powers can just as easily turn out to be destructive. It rests solely with the moral personality whether they apply themselves to good things or to bad. And if this is lacking, no teacher can supply it or take its place- Carl Jung
432. Creative power, is that receptive attitude of expectancy which makes a mold into which the plastic and as yet undifferentiated substance can flow and take the desired form.- Thomas Troward
433. Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense. – Buddha
434. John Lennon said, “Love means having to say you’re sorry every fifteen minutes.”
435. Our youth now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for their elders and love chatter in place of exercise. They no longer rise when others enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.- Socrates (5th century B.C.E.)
436. It is known that there is an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the product of a deranged imagination.- Douglas Adams
437. “I started a diet. I cut heavy foods and drinks and, in fourteen days, I lost two weeks”. Joe E. Lewis
438. “Selfish – someone more interested in himself than in me.” Ambrose Bierce

Weird? I’m not weird. Strange, yes, demented even, but not weird! You see things and you say ‘why?’
But I dream things that never were, and say, ‘Why not?’

Sarcastic Quotes

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
- Ashleigh Brilliant

» It’s always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.
- Paul Newman

» It’s a catastrophic success.

» I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.
- Stephen Bishop

» History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.
- Abba Eban

» No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.
» I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
» I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
» I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
» I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.
- Groucho Marx

» The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
- Frank Zappa

» The 100% American is 99% idiot.
» The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
- George Bernard Shaw

» He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
» Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.
- Oscar Wilde

» He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t.
- Victor Borge

» I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
» Honesty is the best policy — when there is money in it.
» Familiarity breeds contempt — and children.
» Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
» I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable.
- Mark Twain

» I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
- Clarence Darrow

» If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
- Charles Pierce

» You have delighted us long enough.
- Jane Austen

A modest little person, with much to be modest about.
- Winston Churchill

» He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

» Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

» He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
- Abraham Lincoln

» He is a self-made man and worships his creator.
- Irvin S. Cobb

» He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.
- Forrest Tucker

» He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.
- Billy Wilder

» The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn’t have to watch.
- Dave Barry

» It is not necesssary to understand things in order to argue about them.
- Caron de Beaumarchais

» Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.
- Ambrose Bierce

» Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victems he intends to eat until he eats them.
- Samuel Butler

» I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don’t like?
- Jean Cocteau

» The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights.
- J. Paul Getty

» When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
- Eric Hoffer

» A good listener is usually thinking about something else.
- Kin Hubbard

» Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
- Oscar Levant

» Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in memory as the wish to forget it.
- Montaigne

» The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually beomes a cat.
- Ogden Nash

» I wish we were better strangers.
» I’ll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.
- Unknown

» As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree’ — probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. » I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
- Woody Allen

» I don’t know why we are here, but I’m pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves. – Ludwig Wittgenstein

» Many wealthy people are little more than janitors of their possessions. – Frank Lloyd Wright

» We didn’t lose the game; we just ran out of time. – Vince Lombardi

» A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. – Gore Vidal

» When ideas fail, words come in very handy. – Goethe

There are three kinds of death in this world. There’s heart death, there’s brain death, and there’s being off the network. — Guy Almes

“I do not agree with a word you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.” — Voltaire

On the whole sex is less confusing than love, lust is less confusing than sex, and chocolate is less confusing than any of them… Chocolate is by far the safest bet in every respect, but sex is by far the most interesting. — Jacky Fleming

I believe I found the missing link between animal and civilized man. It’s us. — Konrad Lorenz

What do we think of sex on television? Frankly, I think it’s a pain. For one thing, the cable box gets wedged into your back and gets real uncomfortable…. — Peter David

There is a vast difference between living according to one’s idea of what it is to be good, and actually being that way. — C. Terry Warner

Liposuction. . . they can suck the fat out of one part of your body and put it in another part. I think that’s wrong. I want them to suck the fat out of my body, and put it in Cindy Crawford’s. — Rita Rudner

Christians are generally creepy people as a direct result of the dysfunctional dynamic of worshipping a dead naked hippie. — Jim Marcus

There’s nothing wrong with going to bed with somebody of your own sex… People should be very free with sex – they should draw the line at goats. — Elton John

Time flies like an arrow; Fruit flies like a banana. — G. Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend: and inside a dog, it’s too dark to read. — Groucho Marx

Personally I have always felt soixante-neuf (69) to be madly confusing, like trying to pat your head and rub your stomach at the same time. — Helen Lawrenson

Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare. — Japanese Proverb

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. — Ed Gardner

Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. — Samuel Butler

A hard man is good to find. — Mae West

Good sex is like good Bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand. — Mae West

The great thing is, if one can, to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions in one’s “own” or “real” life. The truth is, of course, that what one regards as interruptions are precisely one’s life. — C. S. Lewis

I don’t drink water. Fish fuck in it. — W. C. Fields

I love children – parboiled. — W. C. Fields

God and Country are an unbeatable team; they break all records for oppression and bloodshed. — Luis Buquel

The content of your mind – your values and ideas – are nobody’s business but your own. — Kerry O’Quinn

A fanatic is someone who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject. – Winston Churchill

To live a single day and hear a good teaching is better than to live a hundred years without knowing such teaching. — Buddha

Smoking kills, and if you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life. — anti-smoking spokesperson Brooke Shields

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese — former French president Charles De Gaulle

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet — Saint Augustine

To action alone have you a right, and never at all to its fruits. Let not the fruits of action be your motive; Neither let there be in you any attachment to inaction — Bhagvadgita

The covers of this book are too far apart — Ambrose Bierce

Egoist: a person more interested in himself than in me — Ambrose Bierce

If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon. — Johannes Brahms

If the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle — Rita Mae Brown

Everything you can imagine is real. — Pablo Picasso

You shouldn’t say it is not good. You should say, you do not like it; and then, you know, you’re perfectly safe. — James Whistler (about art)

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life, but define yourself. — Harvey Fierstien

And you, madam, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning — Churchill (to woman who told him he was drunk)

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known — Walt Disney (says a lot about him, no? )

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? — Juvenalis

Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. — former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values

Maybe this world is another planet’s hell. — Aldous Huxley

The limits of my language are the limits of my world. — Ludwig Wittgenstein

There’s always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in. — Graham Greene in ‘The power and the Glory’

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction. — Antoine de Saint-Exupery

“A verb has a hard time enough of it in this world when it’s all together. It’s downright inhuman to split it up. But that’s what those Germans do. They take part of a verb and put it down here, like a stake, and they take the other part of it and put it away over yonder like another stake, and between these two limits they just shovel in German.” — Mark Twain

Imagination is more important than knowledge. — Albert Einstein

The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved. — Victor Hugo

Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past. – George Orwell

I think it would be a good idea. — Mahatma Ghandi, regarding Western Civilization

When the missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said “Let us pray.” We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. — Bishop Desmond Tutu

Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them? — Abraham Lincoln

To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded. — Ralph Waldo Emerson

The clinching proof of my reasoning is that I will cut anyone who argues further into dogmeat. — Sir Geoffery de Tourneville

I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him. — Booker T. Washington

to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best night and day to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight and never stop fighting. — e.e cummings

and as we wind on down the road our shadows taller than our soul — Led Zeppelin

“I don’t want to start
Any blasphemous rumours
But I think that God’s
Got a sick sense of humor
And when I die
I expect to find
Him laughing” — Depeche Mode

if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice — rush

“You’re so dead I don’t know why you bothered being born.” — The Darkness, Image Comics

“The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.” — William Clayton

“One cat just leads to another.” — Ernest Hemingway

If God doesn’t destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology. — Jay Leno

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. “You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?” she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, “I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too.” — Jake Johansen

I don’t need to be born again. I got it right the first time. — Dennis Miller

The sublime and the ridiculous are often so nearly related, that it is difficult to class them separately. One step above the sublime makes the ridiculous, and one step above the ridiculous makes the sublime again. — Thomas Paine

To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded. — Ralph Waldo Emerson

Only to the white man was nature a “wilderness” and only to him was the land “infested” with “wild” animals and “savage” people. To us it was tame. — Luther Standing Bear, Chief of the Oglala Sioux

“A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is. . . A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in.” — C.S. Lewis

…most SF writers are small blokes; they spent a lot of time grubbing around on the floor for old SF mags, not stretching up to the top shelf for pornography…As an aside, Douglas Adams is quite tall — Terry Pratchett

“People would want to touch it. I wouldn’t let them. I got very possessive of it.” — Ewan McGregor, about his lightsaber

Liam Neeson: I sense a disturbance in the force.
Ewan McGregor: Well, shit.

“I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.” — Britney Spears, when asked about the best part of being famous

“Outside of the killings, [Washington] has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” — Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington, D.C.

“We have a firm commitment to NATO. We are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.” — Dan Quayle

“The U.S. has a vital interest in that area of the country.” — Dan Quayle, referring to Latin America.

“Pope John Paul today confirmed his opposition to gay marriages. Said that they are unnatiral. Gay marriages are unnatural. Then he put on a pointy hat, his dress, and returned to never having sex at all.” — Bill Maher, Politically Incorrect

300 Sarcastic Or Witty Quotes About Youth

1. There must be a day or two in a man’s life when he is the precise age for something important.
- Franklin Pierce Adams

2. Years ago we discovered the exact point, the dead center, of middle age. It occurs when you are too young to take up golf and too old to rush to the net.
- Franklin Pierce Adams

3. Young men soon give and soon forget affronts;
Old age is slow in both.
- Joseph Addison

4. All lovely things will have an ending,
All lovely things will fade and die;
And youth that’s now so bravely spending,
Will beg a penny by and by.
- Conrad Aiken

5. Does age poison us, or do we poison age?
- Astrid Alauda

6. In case you’re worried about what’s going to become of the younger generation, it’s going to grow up and start worrying about the younger generation.
- Roger Allen

7. You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
- Woody Allen

8. To know how to grow old is the master-work of wisdom; and, one of the most difficult chapters in the great art of living.
- Henri Amiel

9. Young people are in a condition like permanent intoxication because youth is sweet and they are growing.
- Aristotle

10. Youth is easily deceived because it is quick to hope.
- Aristotle

11. Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
- Herbert Asquith

12. We thought we were running away from the grown-ups; and, now we’re the grown-ups.
- Margaret Atwood

13. Give me chastity and continence—but not yet.
- Saint Augustine

14. Youth might be wise; we suffer less from pains than pleasures.
- Philip James Bailey

15. The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
- Lucille Ball

16. It’s sad to grow old, but nice to ripen.
- Brigitte Bardot

17. You can only be young once. But, you can always be immature.
- Dave Barry

18. I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years. And, when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth’s gravitational pull has become since 1990.
- Dave Barry

19. Thanks to modern medical advances, such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40—sometimes more than once.
- Dave Barry

20. I care about our young people; and, I wish them great success because they are our Hope for the Future. And, some day, when my generation retires, they will have to pay us trillions of dollars in social security.
- Dave Barry

21. A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.
- John Barrymore

22. Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that’ll get you home earlier.
- Dan Bennett

23. I never felt that there was anything enviable in youth. I cannot recall that any of us, as youths, admired our condition to excess or had a desire to prolong it.
- Bernard Berenson

24. Zeal: n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.
- Ambrose Bierce

25. When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But, when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
- Josh Billings

26. When I was 40, my doctor advised me that a man in his 40s shouldn’t play tennis. I heeded his advice carefully and could hardly wait until I reached 50 to start again.
- Hugo L. Black

27. Youth isn’t always all it’s touted to be.
- Lawana Blackwell

28. As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative Mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am.
- Erma Bombeck

29. Age is a prison from which we cannot escape.
- Morrow Bourne

30. We are only young once. That is all society can stand.
- Bob Bowen

31. What Youth deemed crystal,
Age finds out was dew.
- Robert Browning

32. When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.
- Marty Bucella

33. Agreeable surprises are the perquisites of youth.
- Edward Bulwer-Lytton

34. Every street has two sides, the shady side and the sunny. When two men shake hands and part, mark which of the two takes the sunny side; he will be the younger man of the two.
- Edward Bulwer-Lytton

35. It is not by the gray of the hair that one knows the age of the heart.
- Edward Bulwer-Lytton

36. The arrogance of age must submit to be taught by youth.
- Edmund Burke

37. You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old.
- George Burns

38. Life is one long process of getting tired.
- Samuel Butler

39. Some people, no matter how old they get, never lose their beauty—they merely move it from their faces into their hearts.
- Martin Buxbaum

40. Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.
- Truman Capote

41. Youth is, to all, the glad reason of life; but, often, only by what it hopes, not by what it attains, or what it escapes.
- Thomas Carlyle

42. Like a lot of fellows around here, I have a furniture problem: My chest has fallen into my drawers.
- Billy Casper (about golf’s Senior Tour)

43. The dead might as well try to speak to the living, as the old to the young.
- Willa Cather

44. Middle age is when your classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald—they don’t recognize you.
- Bennett Cerf

45. Youth is something very new. Twenty years ago, no one mentioned it.
- Coco Chanel

46. Young men are apt to think themselves wise enough—as drunken men are apt to think themselves sober enough.
- Lord Chesterfield

47. No man knows he is young while he is young.
- G. K. Chesterton

48. Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.
- Maurice Chevalier

49. An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
- Agatha Christie

50. We’ve put more effort into helping folks reach old age than into helping them enjoy it.
- Frank A. Clark

51. Middle age is the awkward period when Father Time starts catching up with Mother Nature.
- Harold Coffin

52. Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old; it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother.
- G. Norman Collie

53. The problem with beauty is that it’s like being born rich and getting poorer.
- Joan Collins

54. A man is as old as he’s feeling,
A woman as old as she looks.
- Mortimer Collins

55. Youth is a period of missed opportunities.
- Cyril Connolly

56. In order to acquire a growing and lasting respect in society, it is a good thing, if you possess great talent, to give, early in your youth, a very hard kick to the right shin of the society that you love. After that, be a snob.
- Salvador Dalí

57. Learning acquired in youth arrests the evil of old age; and, if you understand that old age has wisdom for its food, you will so conduct yourself in youth that your old age will not lack for nourishment.
- Leonardo da Vinci

58. Old age ain’t no place for sissies.
- Bette Davis

59. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
- Chili Davis

60. Middle age is youth without its levity, and age without decay.
- Daniel Defoe

61. The greatest part of mankind employ their first years to make their last miserable.
- Jean de la Bruyere

62. Old men are fond of giving good advice—to console themselves for being no longer in a position to give bad examples.
- François de la Rochefoucauld

63. When our vices desert us, we flatter ourselves that we are deserting our vices.
- Francois de La Rochefoucauld

64. Old age puts more wrinkles in our minds than on our faces.
- Michel de Montaigne

65. Youth is not the era of wisdom; let us, therefore, have due consideration.
- Antoine de Rivarol

66. It well becomes a man who is no longer young to forget that he ever was.
- Seigneur de Saint-Evremond

67. I was wrong to grow older. Pity. I was so happy as a child.
- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

68. Youth, what man’s age is like to be, doth show;
We may our ends, by our beginnings, know.
- John Denham

69. Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs.
- Charles Dickens

70. We turn, not older with years, but newer every day.
- Emily Dickinson

71. I don’t know how you feel about old age … but, in my case, I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
- Phyllis Diller

72. Youth is a blunder; manhood, a struggle; old age, a regret.
- Benjamin Disraeli

73. The most aggravating thing about the younger generation is that I no longer belong to it.
- John Dryden

74. Youth should watch joys and shoot them as they fly.
- John Dryden

75. In youth, we learn; in age, we understand.
- Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

76. I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity.
- Albert Einstein

77. The young feel tired at the end of an action, the old at the beginning.
- T. S. Eliot

78. I don’t believe one grows older. I think that what happens early on in life is that, at a certain age, one stands still and stagnates.
- T. S. Eliot

79. The years between fifty and seventy are the hardest: You are always being asked to do more; and, you are not yet decrepit enough to turn them down.
- T. S. Eliot

80. The years teach much which the days never knew.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

81. All diseases run into one, old age.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

82. An angelic boyhood becomes a Satanic old age.
- Erasmus

83. If youth knew; if age could.
- Henri Estienne

84. Who so neglects learning in his youth loses the past and is dead to the future.
- Euripides

85. Youth holds no society with grief.
- Euripides

86. Youth is the best time to be rich—and the best time to be poor.
- Euripides

87. Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.
- Sam Ewing

88. At sixteen, I was stupid, confused, and indecisive. At twenty-five, I was wise, self-confident, prepossessing, and assertive. At forty-five, I am stupid, confused, insecure, and indecisive. Who would have supposed that maturity is only a short break in adolescence?
- Jules Feiffer

89. Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone.
- Jim Fiebig

90. Wine and youth are fire upon fire.
- Henry Fielding

91. What we sow in youth we reap in age; the seed of the thistle always produces the thistle.
- James Thomas Fields

92. What this country needs is radicals who will stay that way regardless of the creeping years.
- John Fischer

93. Youth disserves; middle age conserves; old age preserves.
- Martin H. Fischer

94. Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty.
- Henry Ford

95. Youth is not like a new garment which we can keep fresh and fair by wearing sparingly. Youth—while we have it—we must wear daily, and it will fast wear away.
- John Foster

96. Reckless youth makes rueful age.
- Benjamin Franklin

97. At 20 years of age, the will reigns; at 30, the wit; at 40, the judgment.
- Benjamin Franklin

98. I never dared be radical when young
For fear it would make me conservative when old.
- Robert Frost

99. Youth is a disease from which we all recover.
- Dorothy Fulheim

100. Much education today is monumentally ineffective. All too often we are giving young people cut flowers when we should be teaching them to grow their own plants.
- John W. Gardner

101. Young men wish: love, money, and health. One day, they’ll say: health, money, and love.
- Paul Géraldy

102. At times, it seems that I am living my life backward and that, at the approach of old age, my real youth will begin. My soul was born covered with wrinkles—wrinkles that my ancestors and parents most assiduously put there—and that I had the greatest trouble removing.
- Andre Gide

103. Too chaste a youth leads to a dissolute old age.
- Andre Gide

104. Youth troubles over eternity. Age grasps at a day—and is satisfied to have even the day.
- Dame Mary Gilmore

105. You know, when I first went into the movies, Lionel Barrymore played my grandfather. Later, he played my father. And, finally, he played my husband. If he had lived, I’m sure I would have played his mother. That’s the way it is in Hollywood: The men get younger; and, the women get older.
- Lillian Gish

106. There is still no cure for the common birthday.
- John Glenn

107. Great endowments often announce themselves in youth in the form of singularity and awkwardness.
- Goethe

108. Everyone believes, in his youth, that the world really began with him and that all merely exists for his sake.
- Goethe

109. If the world does improve on the whole—yet, youth must always begin anew and go through the stages of culture from the beginning.
- Goethe

110. Rash, inexperienced youth holds itself a chosen instrument—and allows itself unbounded license.
- Goethe

111. The destiny of any nation, at any given time, depends on the opinions of its young men under five-and-twenty.
- Goethe

112. We must be young to do great things.
- Goethe

113. Youth is, after all, just a moment; but, it is the moment—the spark—that you always carry in your heart.
- Raisa M. Gorbachev

114. I am getting to an age when I can only enjoy the last sport left: It is called hunting for your spectacles.
- Edward Grey

115. Unless a tree has borne blossoms in spring, you will vainly look for fruit on it in autumn.
- Augustus William Hare

116. Nothing can be so amusingly arrogant as a young man who has just discovered an old idea and thinks it is his own.
- Sidney J. Harris

117. Do not commit the error, common among the young, of assuming that if you cannot save the whole of mankind you have failed.
- Jan De Hartog

118. At almost every step in life, we meet with young men from whom we anticipate wonderful things, but of whom, after careful inquiry, we never hear another word. Like certain chintzes, calicoes, and ginghams, they show finely on their first newness, but cannot stand the sun and rain, and assume a very sober aspect after washing day.
- Nathaniel Hawthorne

119. Never suffer youth to be an excuse for inadequacy—nor age and fame to be an excuse for indolence.
- Benjamin Haydon

120. Youth itself is a talent, a perishable talent.
- Eric Hoffer

121. There’s nothing that keeps its youth,
So far as I know, but a tree and truth.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

122. Old age is fifteen years older than I am.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

123. Men do not quit playing because they grow old; they grow old because they quit playing.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

124. To be seventy years young is sometimes far more cheerful and hopeful than to be forty years old.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

125. From forty to fifty a man must move upward; or, the natural falling off in the vigor of life will carry him rapidly downward.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

126. A person is always startled when he hears himself seriously called an old man for the first time.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

127. I’ll tell ‘ya how to stay young: Hang around with older people.
- Bob Hope

128. Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
- Bob Hope

129. Youth is unduly busy with pampering the outer person.
- Horace

130. Forty is the old age of youth; fifty the youth of old age.
- Victor Hugo

131. When grace is joined with wrinkles, it is adorable; there is an unspeakable dawn in happy old age.
- Victor Hugo

132. Ask the young. They know everything.
- Joseph Joubet

133. Age is like the newest version of a software: It has a bunch of great new features but you lost all the cool features the original version had.
- Carrie Latet

134. Youth is the gift of nature, but age is a work of art.
- Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

135. The great thing about getting older is that you don’t lose all the other ages you’ve been.
- Madeleine L’Engle

136. Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
- Caryn Leschen

187. So different are the colors of life as we look forward to the future, or backward to the past, and so different the opinions and sentiments which this contrariety of appearance naturally produces, that the conversation of the old and young ends generally with contempt or pity on either side.
- Samuel Johnson

138. Youth enters the world with very happy prejudices in her own favor. She imagines herself not only certain of accomplishing every adventure, but of obtaining those rewards which the accomplishment may deserve. She is not easily persuaded to believe that the force of merit can be resisted by obstinacy and avarice—or its luster darkened by envy and malignity.
- Samuel Johnson

139. The passions of the young are vices in the old.
- Joseph Joubert

140. The wine of youth does not always clear with advancing years; sometimes it grows turbid.
- Carl Jung

141. Men at forty
Learn to close softly
The doors to rooms they will not be
Coming back to.
- Donald Justice

142. Youth is the gift of nature; but, age is a work of art.
- Garson Kanin

143. I am old enough to see how little I have done in so much time—and how much I have to do in so little.
- Sheila Kaye-Smith

144. When all the world is young, lad,
And all the trees are green;
And every goose a swan, lad,
And every lass a queen;
Then hey for boot and horse, lad,
And round the world away;
Young blood must have its course, lad,
And every dog his day.
- Charles Kingsley

145. Youth had been a habit of hers for so long, that she could not part with it.
- Rudyard Kipling

146. We grow gray in our spirit long before we grow gray in our hair.
- Charles Lamb

147. Our youth began with tears and sighs,
With seeking what we could not find;
We sought and knew not what we sought;
We marvel, now we look behind:
Life’s more amusing than we thought.
- Andrew Lang

148. The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball.
- Doug Larson

149. Age attacks when we least expect it.
- Carrie Latet

150. You’re only as young as the last time you changed your mind.
- Timothy Leary

151. The great secret that all old people share is that you really haven’t changed in seventy or eighty years. Your body changes; but, you don’t change at all. And, that, of course, causes great confusion.
- Doris Lessing

152. You are only young once; and, if you work it right, once is enough.
- Joe E. Lewis

153. Trouble is, kids feel they have to shock their elders, and each generation grows up into something harder to shock.
- Ben Lindsey

154. The secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth

155. Age is opportunity no less
Than youth itself, though in another dress;
And, as the evening twilight fades away,
The sky is filled with stars, invisible by day.
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

156. How beautiful is youth!
How bright it gleams with its illusions, aspirations, dreams!
Book of Beginnings, Story without End,
Each maid a heroine, and each man a friend!
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

157. Enjoy the Spring of Love and Youth, to some good angel leave the rest;
For Time will teach thee soon the truth, there are no birds in last year’s nest!
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

158. Whatever poet, orator, or sage may say of it, old age is still old age.
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

159. It is autumn, not without;
But, within me, is the cold.
Youth and spring are all about;
It is I that have grown old.
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

160. The elderly don’t drive that badly; they’re just the only ones with time to do the speed limit.
- Jason Love

161. Youth condemns; maturity condones.
- Amy Lowell

162. If youth be a defect, it is one that we outgrow only too soon.
- James Russell Lowell

163. To be young is surely the best—if the most precarious—gift of life.
- James Russell Lowell

164. You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt, as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your despair.
- Douglas MacArthur

165. In the central place of every heart, there is a recording chamber. So long as it receives a message of beauty, hope, cheer, and courage—so long are you young. When the wires are all down, and our heart is covered with the snow of pessimism and the ice of cynicism, then—and, only then—are you grown old.
- Douglas MacArthur

166. When we are out of sympathy with the young, then I think our work in this world is over.
- George MacDonald

167. They talk about the economy this year. Hey, my hairline is in recession, My waistline is in inflation. Altogether, I’m in a depression.
- Rick Majerus

168. Youth is a religion from which one always ends up being converted.
- Andre Malraux

169. The process of maturing is an art to be learned, an effort to be sustained. By the age of fifty, you have made yourself what you are; and, if it is good, it is better than your youth.
- Marya Mannes

170. Middle age is the time when a man is always thinking that, in a week or two, he will feel as good as ever.
- Don Marquis

171. Like virgin parchment, capable of any inscription.
- Philip Massinger

172. It is an illusion that youth is happy—an illusion of those who have lost it. But, the young know they are wretched, for they are full of the truthless ideal which have been instilled into them; and, each time they come in contact with the real, they are bruised and wounded.
- W. Somerset Maugham

173. Growing old is a bad habit which a busy man has no time to form.
- Andre Maurois

174. The best thing about getting old is that, all those things you couldn’t have when you were young, you no longer want.
- L. S. McCandless

175. Youth is not enough. And, love is not enough. And, success is not enough. And, if we could achieve it, enough would not be enough.
- Mignon McLaughlin

176. Spiritual sloth, or acedia, was known as The Sin of the Middle Ages. It’s the sin of my middle age, too.
- Mignon McLaughlin

177. Age is a slowing down of everything except fear.
- Mignon McLaughlin

178. As we grow older, our capacity for enjoyment shrinks—but not our appetite for it.
- Mignon McLaughlin

179. It’s hard to feel middle-aged because how can you tell how long you are going to live?
- Mignon McLaughlin

180. In youth we are plagued by desire—in later years, by the desire to feel desire.
- Mignon McLaughlin

181. There is always some specific moment when we realize our youth is gone. But, years after, we know it was much later.
- Mignon McLaughlin

182. The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
- H. L. Mencken

183. It takes about ten years to get used to how old you are.
- Raymond A. Michel

184. The American ideal is youth—handsome, empty youth.
- Henry Miller

185. The idea is to die young as late as possible.
- Ashley Montagu

186. ‘Tis now the summer of your youth: Time has not cropped the roses from your cheek, though sorrow long has washed them.
- Edward Moore

187. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward.
- John Mortimer

188. The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

189. The older you get, the stronger the wind gets; and, it’s always in your face.
- Jack Nicklaus

190. Sometimes age succeeds; sometimes it fails. It depends on you.
- Ravensara Noite

191. Old Time, who changes all below,
To wean men gently for the grave.
- Caroline Norton

192. When you’re a young man, Macbeth is a character part; when you’re older, it’s a straight part.
- Laurence Olivier

193. Youth does not require reasons for living; it only needs pretexts.
- Jose Ortega y Gasset

194. How different from the present man was the youth of earlier days!
- Ovid

195. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you were?
- Satchel Paige

196. You know you’re getting old when all the names in your black book have “M.D.” after them.
- Arnold Palmer

197. In youth, the days are short and the years are long; in old age, the years are short and the days long.
- Nikita Ivanovich Panin

198. It takes a long time to become young.
- Pablo Picasso

199. Youth has no age.
- Pablo Picasso

200. The atrocious crime of being a young man.
- William Pitt

201. A youth of frolic; an old age of cards.
- Alexander Pope

202. When the brisk minor pants for twenty-one.
- Alexander Pope

203. We think our fathers fools, so wise we grow;
Our wiser sons, no doubt, will think us so.
- Alexander Pope

204. Is that a birthday? ’tis, alas! too clear;
‘Tis but the funeral of the former year.
- Alexander Pope

205. Young men think old men fools; and, old men know young men to be so.
- Sir Charles Pratt

206. It seems no more than right that men should seize time by the forelock; for the rude old fellow, sooner or later, pulls all their hair out.
- George Dennison Prentice

207. There was no respect for youth when I was young; and, now that I am old, there is no respect for age. I missed it coming and going.
- John B. Priestly

208. You can’t turn back the clock,but you can wind it up again.
- Bonnie Prudden

209. Middle age: The time when you’ll do anything to feel better, except give up what is hurting you.
- Robert Quillen

210. Of a young hermit, an old devil.
- Francois Rabelais

211. The key to successful aging is to pay as little attention to it as possible.
- Judith Regan

212. The heart of youth is reached through the senses; the senses of age are reached through the heart.
- Nicolas-Edme Retif

213. When the newspapers have got nothing else to talk about, they cut loose on the young. The young are always news. If they are up to something, that’s news. If they aren’t, that’s news, too.
- Kenneth Rexroth

214. Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It’s more often a succession of jerks.
- Jean Rhys

215. The young know how truly difficult and dreadful youth can be. Their youth is wasted on everyone else, that’s the horror. The young have no authority, no respect.
- Anne Rice

216. Everything is pretty that is young.
- Samuel Richardson

217. Idle youth—enslaved to everything; by being too sensitive, I have wasted my life.
- Arthur Rimbaud

218. Adulthood is when the ghosts of childhood appear.
- Holden Rinehart

219. The last birthday that’s any good is 23.
- Andy Rooney

220. We cannot always build the future for our youth; but, we can build our youth for the future.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt

221. First you forget names; then you forget faces; then you forget to pull your zipper up; then you forget to pull your zipper down.
- Leo Rosenberg

222. A man is not old as long as he is seeking something.
- Jean Rostand

223. Nobody is quite so blasé and sophisticated as a boy of nineteen who is just recovering from a baby grand passion.
- Helen Rowland

224. Age is foolish and forgetful when it underestimates youth.
- J. K. Rowling

225. Youth cannot know how age thinks and feels, but old men are guilty if they forget what it was to be young.
- J. K. Rowling

226. There are people whose watch stops at a certain hour and who remain permanently at that age.
- Charles Augustin Sainte-Beuve

227. The first forty years of life give us the text; the next thirty supply the commentary on it.
- Arthur Schopenhauer

228. It’s a mere moment in a man’s life between an All-Star Game and an Old-timers’ Game.
- Vin Scully

229. In a dream, you are never eighty.
- Anne Sexton

230. Deal mildly with his youth; for young hot colts, being raged, do rage the more.
- William Shakespeare

231. A man loves the meat in his youth that he cannot endure in his age.
- William Shakespeare

232. We have some salt of our youth in us.
- William Shakespeare

233. For, though the camomile, the more it is trodden on, the faster it grows; yet, youth, the more it is wasted, the sooner it wears.
- William Shakespeare

234. Youth is wasted on the young.
- George Bernard Shaw

235. Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
- George Bernard Shaw

236. It is all that the young can do for the old, to shock them and keep them up to date.
- George Bernard Shaw

237. Even the youngest of us may be wrong sometimes.
- George Bernard Shaw

238. Youth, which is forgiven everything, forgives itself nothing; age, which forgives itself everything, is forgiven nothing.
- George Bernard Shaw

237. All of us, who are worth anything, spend our manhood in unlearning the follies, or expiating the mistakes, of our youth.
- Percy Bysshe Shelley

238. One of the best parts of growing older? You can flirt all you like since you’ve become harmless.
- Liz Smith

239. Don’t laugh at a youth for his affectation. He is only trying on one face after another to find his own.
- Logan Pearsall Smith

240. Don’t let young people tell you their aspirations. When they drop them, they will drop you.
- Logan Pearsall Smith

241. The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older people and greatly assists the circulation of the blood.
- Logan Pearsall Smith

242. There is more felicity on the far side of baldness than young men can possibly imagine.
- Logan Pearsall Smith

243. In childhood, be modest; in youth, temperate; in adulthood, just; and, in old age, prudent.
- Socrates

244. Live as long as you may, the first twenty years are the longest half of your life.
- Robert Southey

245. The trick is growing up without growing old.
- Casey Stengel

246. For God’s sake, give me the young man who has brains enough to make a fool of himself!
- Robert Louis Stevenson

247. Age may have one side, but assuredly Youth has the other. There is nothing more certain than that both are right, except perhaps that both are wrong.
- Robert Louis Stevenson

248. Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
- Tom Stoppard

249. No wise man ever wished to be younger.
- Jonathan Swift

250. Every man desires to live long; but, no man would be old.
- Jonathan Swift

251. When men grow virtuous in their old age, they only make a sacrifice to God of the devil’s leavings.
- Jonathan Swift

252. Age considers; youth ventures.
- Rabindranath Tagore

253. Age swallows our childhood.
- Jareb Teague

254. When I can look Life in the eyes,
Grown calm and very coldly wise,
Life will have given me the Truth,
And taken in exchange—my youth.
- Sara Teasdale

255. What unjust judges fathers are, when in regard to us they hold
That even in our boyish days we ought in conduct to be old,
Nor taste at all the very things that youth and only youth requires;
They rule us by their present wants not by their past long-lost desires.
- Terence

256. We are none of us infallible—not even the youngest of us.
- W. H. Thompson

257. Youth gets together with their materials to build a bridge to the moon or maybe a palace on earth; then, in middle age, they decide to build a woodshed with them instead.
- Henry David Thoreau

258. Shall not a man have his spring as well as the plants?
- Henry David Thoreau

259. None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.
- Henry David Thoreau

260. It is better to be a young June-bug than an old bird of paradise.
- Mark Twain

261. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
- Mark Twain

262. Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
-Mark Twain

263. When I was younger, I could remember anything—whether it had happened or not. But, my faculties are decaying now; and, soon, I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this; but, we all have to do it.
- Mark Twain

264. The first half of life consists of the capacity to enjoy without the chance; the last half consists of the chance without the capacity.
- Mark Twain

265. Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
- Mark Twain

267. Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin; but, to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.
- Samuel Ullman

268. Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.
- Bill Vaughn

269. It is a pity that, as one gradually gains experience, one loses one’s youth.
- Vincent van Gogh

270. I advise you to go on living solely to enrage those who are paying your annuities. It is the only pleasure I have left.
- Voltaire

271. What most persons consider as virtue, after the age of 40 is simply a loss of energy.
- Voltaire

272. In youth, we learn; in age, we understand.
- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach

273. True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.
- Kurt Vonnegut

274. The soul’s dark cottage, battered and decayed,
Lets in new light through chinks that time hath made.
- Edmund Waller

275. You’re never too old to become younger.
- Mae West

276. In a man’s middle years, there is scarcely a part of the body he would hesitate to turn over to the proper authorities.
- E. B. White

277. I fear, vastly more, a futile, incompetent old age, than I do any form of death.
- William Allen White

278. The deepest definition of youth is life as yet untouched by tragedy.
- Alfred North Whitehead

279. Youth, large, lusty, loving—Youth, full of grace, force, fascination. Do you know that Old Age may come after you with equal grace, force, fascination?
- Walt Whitman

280. An inordinate passion for pleasure is the secret of remaining young.
- Oscar Wilde

281. To get back to my youth, I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.
- Oscar Wilde

282. To get back one’s youth, one has merely to repeat one’s follies.
- Oscar Wilde

283. Youth! There is nothing like youth. The middle-aged are mortgaged to Life. The old are in Life’s lumber-room. But youth is the Lord of Life. Youth has a kingdom waiting for it. Every one is born a king, and most people die in exile.
- Oscar Wilde

284. Those whom the gods love grow young.
- Oscar Wilde

285. In America, the young are always ready to give to those who are older than themselves the full benefits of their inexperience.
- Oscar Wilde

286. I am not young enough to know everything.
- Oscar Wilde

287. The tragedy of old age is not that one is old, but that one is young.
- Oscar Wilde

288. Never lose sight of the fact that old age needs so little but needs that little so much.
- Margaret Willour

289. Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.
- Tom Wilson

290. The most conservative persons I ever met are college undergraduates. The radicals are the men past middle life.
- Woodrow Wilson

291. Boyhood, like measles, is one of those complaints which a man should catch young and have done with; for, when it comes in middle life, it is apt to be serious.
- P. G. Wodehouse

292. There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
- P. G. Wodehouse

293. Young people need models, not critics.
- John Wooden

294. Bliss was it in that dawn to be alive,
But to be young was very Heaven!
- William Wordsworth

295. Youth is a quality, not a matter of circumstances.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

296. The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
- Jerry M. Wright

297. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, “What happened?”
- Jennifer Yane

298. An aged man is but a paltry thing,
A tattered coat upon a stick, unless
Soul clasp its hands and sing, and louder sing
For every tatter in its mortal dress.
- William Butler Yeats

299. Youth is not rich in time; it may be poor;
Part with it as with money, sparing; pay
No moment but in purchase of its worth,
And what it’s worth, ask death-beds; they can tell.
- Edward Young

Quotes by Oscar Wilde Born Oscar Fingal…

Quotes by Oscar Wilde

Born Oscar Fingal O’Flahertie, on 16th October 1854, he died on 30th November 30, 1900. His mother Jane was a poet, while his father, Sir William Wilde, was prominent Irish surgeon. Both parents were prolific authors so it was no surprise that he inherited such literary talent.

One can only guess how he delivered his quips, but we can be sure that they gained extra power from Oscar Wilde’s own delivery of his pithy wit.
A selection of Oscar Wilde quotations to get you started

* My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people’s.
* The English country gentleman galloping after a fox – The unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.
* Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.
* We have really everything in common with America nowadays except, of course, language.
* There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written.
* But what is the difference between literature and journalism?
Journalism is unreadable and literature is not read. That is all.
* America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.
* Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
* It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.
* Arguments are to be avoided: they are always vulgar and often convincing.
* Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow.
* Who, being loved, is poor?
* I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.

New Oscar Wilde Quote

After being lost for over 120 years, this Oscar Wilde quote turned up in the cover of an old book:
‘One can exist without art, but one cannot live without it.’
Oscar Wilde’s WitOscar Wilde’s Wit

From the above quotes, clearly Oscar Wilde was not a stand-up comedian. Instead of jokes, what you find amongst Oscar Wilde quotes are witty one liners and repartee, for example:

A pompous speaker who had a great opinion of himself gave a long after-dinner speech. He then made the mistake of turning to his neighbour on the top table, who happened to be Oscar Wilde, and asked, ‘How would you have delivered that speech?’ Under an assumed name’, came the reply from Oscar Wilde.

What surprises Will and Guy is when we track down a witticism, I find that the source was an Oscar Wilde quotation, or a character in one of his plays. For example:

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
or:
One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.
Oscar Wilde on the subject of women

* Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes.
* All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy.
No man does. That’s his.
* Men always want to be a woman’s first love – women like to be a man’s last romance.
* A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.
* If we men married the woman we deserve, we should have a very tedious time of it.
* In married life three is company and two is none.
* A man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing.
* Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
* Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious; both are disappointed.
* As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.
* A woman will flirt with anyone in the world, so long as other women are looking on.
* She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman.
* A man’s face is his autobiography. A woman’s face is her work of fiction.

More Oscar Wilde Quotations

* A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing.
* Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
* There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.
* To lose one parent, Mr Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.
* We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
* An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.
* Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
* One should absorb the colour of life, but one should never remember its details. Details are always vulgar.
* The truth is rarely pure and never simple.

An extra batch of Oscar Wilde’s witticisms

Will and I tried to select ten of Oscar Wilde’s best, and most witty quotes. The reason that we failed that our opinion changed from one day to the next. It was just so difficult to leave out any of his quotes, they all have a place where they sum up a situation succinctly. This is why we have stayed with this long list of witty sayings.

* A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal. oscar wilde’s quotes
* A poet can survive everything but a misprint.
* I am not young enough to know everything.
* I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
* A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
* A true friend stabs you in the front.
* All art is quite useless.
* Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.
* As yet, Bernard Shaw hasn’t become prominent enough to have any enemies, but none of his friends like him.
* A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.
* Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
* Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.
* Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
* All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling.
* It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But… it is better to be good than to be ugly.
* There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.
* Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.
* Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one.
* There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
* Now that the House of Commons is trying to become useful, it does a great deal of harm.
* The difference between literature and journalism is that journalism is unreadable and literature is not read.
* Life imitates art far more than art imitates Life.
* It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you place the blame.
* The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.
* America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up.
* There is no sin except stupidity.
* It is only the modern that ever becomes old-fashioned.
* A cigarette is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite, and it leaves one unsatisfied. What more can one want?
* Only the shallow know themselves.
* Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
* He hadn’t a single redeeming vice.
* A pessimist is one who, when he has a choice of two evils, chooses both.
* Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
* When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers.
* Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality. (School for Scandal was written by Sheridan not Oscar Wilde)
* Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
* I put all my genius into my life; I put only my talent into my works.
* Genius is born – not paid.
* See more witticisms

Oscar Wilde’s StatueOscar Wilde’s Statue – Dublin

While I knew that Oscar Wilde was buried in France, I was surprised to find a statue to the great man in Dublin’s Archbishop Ryan Park. It looks just like a modern day dandy posing on a rock.

His last resting place is now the Père Lachaise Cemetery in Paris, France. Will reports that Oscar’s tomb in Père Lachaise, Paris was designed by sculptor Sir Jacob Epstein. When Will was there he could not find an traces of lipstick that others report seeing on Oscar Wilde’s tomb.
Oscar Wilde’s quotes sent in by readers

* The basis of optimism is sheer terror. (Barry W)
* If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they’ll kill you. (Lorraine J)
* ‘One can always be kind to people about whom one cares nothing.’ (Jerry P)
* Most modern calendars mar the sweet simplicity of our lives by reminding us that each day that passes is the anniversary of some perfectly uninteresting event. (Darius H)
* The only thing that sustains one through life is the consciousness of the immense inferiority of everybody else and this is a feeling that I have always cultivated. (John M)
* To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable. (Edith J)
* Disobedience, in the eyes of anyone who has read history, is man’s original virtue. It is through disobedience and rebellion that progress has been made. (Jane K)
* I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put it back again. (Maggie B)
* I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying’. (Oscar Wilde!!)
* The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius. (Another from Oscar Wilde!)
* I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train. (Sara W)
* If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized. (Sara W)
* Life is far too important to be taken seriously. (Sara W)
* A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world. (Jeremy T)
* To disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity. (Tony K)
* One’s real life is often the life that one does not lead. (Ken H)
* The only thing that sustains one through life is the consciousness of the immense inferiority of everybody else, and this is a feeling that I have always cultivated. (Doris K)
* I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world. (Isfan K)

Quotes from Oscar Wilde plays include:Oscar Wilde’s plays

* The Importance of Being Earnest
* The Picture of Dorian Gray
* Lady Windermere’s Fan
* An Ideal Husband
* A Woman of No Importance
* The Ballad of Reading Gaol
* The Duchess of Padua

Oscar Wilde’s downfall

Back in 1891 homosexuality was illegal and Oscar formed an illicit relationship with Lord Alfred Douglas (known as ‘Bosie’). They probably would have got away with it if Oscar had not sued Bosie’s father for libel. As always, the truth is an absolute defence to libel, therefore Oscar lost his case. Worse was to follow when the police felt they had to take an interest; after all homosexuality was illegal, and Oscar’s activity was now public knowledge. It was a forgone conclusion that his prosecution for ‘Gross indecent acts’ would lead to conviction and a goal sentence resulted. Even in prison he continued to exercise his literary skill and wrote ‘De Profundis’ A book about his relationship with ‘Bosie’, also the famous ‘The Ballade of Reading Gaol’

After Oscar Wilde was imprisoned, his wife Constance changed her name to Holland. She felt it best to move abroad where she was less likely to be recognised and humiliated.
Oscar Wilde’s Final Words – Kindly sent by Lora Chacon and also Andrea Greenwood

Biography lends to death a new terror.

One can survive everything, nowadays, except death, and live down everything except a good reputation.

As Oscar lay dying, penniless in a French hotel, he looked around at the room and said:
‘My wall paper and I are in a battle to the death, one or the other must go’. Those were his final words.

To paraphrase Thomas Edison, sometimes interesting opportunities arrive dressed as a huge pain in the ass.

Sayings to Live By

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2.. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3.. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
4.. A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth.
5.. Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.
6.. Do I look like a freaking people person?
7.. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
8.. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
9.. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
10.. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
11.. You! Off my planet!
12.. Therapy is expensive, poppin’ bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
13.. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts ofself-control.
14.. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
15.. I like cats, too. Let’s exchange recipes.
16.. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
17.. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cat.
18.. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
19.. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
20.. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
21.. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
22.. And just how may I screw you over today?
23.. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
24.. I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
25.. If only you’d use your powers for good instead of evil…
26.. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
27.. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
28.. Yeah, right! Like I’m going to put that icky thing in my mouth.
29.. Allow me to introduce my selves.
30.. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
31.. Whisper my favorite words: “I’ll buy it for you.”
32.. Better living through denial.
33.. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
34.. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
35.. Adult child of alien invaders.
36.. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
37.. I’m just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
38.. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
39.. I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
40.. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
41.. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
42.. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you aren’t asleep yet.
43.. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
44.. Back off! You’re standing in my aura.
45.. I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.
46.. Don’t worry. I forgot your name, too!
47.. Adults are just kids who owe money.
48.. One of us is thinking about sex… OK, it’s me.
49.. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
50.. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
51.. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
52.. It’s sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
53.. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
54.. You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.
55.. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #2?
56.. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I’m wrong.
57.. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
58.. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
59.. Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
60.. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
61.. A woman’s favorite position is CEO.
62.. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
63.. Everyone thinks I’m psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
64.. Earth is full. Go home.
65.. Is it time for your medication or mine?
66.. Did I mention the kick in the groin you’ll be receiving if you touch me?
67.. I plead contemporary insanity.
68.. And which dwarf are you?
69.. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
70.. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
71.. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
72.. It ain’t the size, it’s… no, it’s the size.
73.. Meandering to a different drummer.
74.. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
75.. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Life’s too short for chess.

If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face –
for ever… And remember that it is for ever.

We are at the very beginning of time for the human race. It is not unreasonable
that we grapple with problems. But there are tens of thousands of years in the
future. Our responsibility is to do what we can, learn what we can, improve the
solutions, and pass them on.

Great Management Quotes

• “The first people had questions and they were free. The second people had answers, and they became enslaved.” – Wind Eagle, American Indian Chief
• “If you don’t like change, you’ll going to like irrelevance even less.” – General Eric Shinseki, Chief of Staff, U.S. Army
• “It makes all the difference in the world whether we put truth in the first place, or in the second place.” – John Morley
• “The truth that makes men free is for the most part the truth which men prefer not to hear.” – Herbert Agar
• “Great leaders build a workforce for the future. They are human capital developers. Great leaders always ask themselves: “Am I preparred for what’s next?” They invest in themselves by constantly learning.” – Jonathan Fietzer
• “Do what you do so well that they will want to see it again and bring their friends” – Walt Disney
• “It is not a question of how well each process works; the question is how well they work together.” – Lloyd Dobens and Clare Crawford-Mason
• “An ability to embrace new ideas, routinely challenge old ones, and live with paradox will be the effective leader’s premier trait.” – Tom Peters
• “The highest challenge inside organizations is to enable each person to contribute his or her unique talents and passion to accomplish the organization’s purpose.” – Stephen R. Covey
• “It is never too late to be who you might have been.” – George Eliot
• “Leadership is a combination of strategy and character.  If you must be without one, be without the strategy.” – General H. Norman chwarzkopf
• “Trust becomes a verb when you communicate to others their worth and potential so clearly that they are inspired to see it in themselves.” – Stephen R. Covey
• “I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life.  The problem is that I can’t find anybody who can tell me what they want.” – Mark Twain
• “Don’t measure yourself by what you have accomplished, but what you should have accomplished with your ability.” – John Wooden
• “To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.” – Anatole France
• “For every failure, there’s an alternative course of action.  You just have to find it.  When you come to a roadblock, take a detour.” – Mary Kay Ash
• “It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.” – Harry S. Truman
• “Our chief want is someone who will inspire us to be what we know we could be.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
• “Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” – Thomas Edison
• “Strategy gets you on the playing field, but execution pays the bills.” – George Eubanks
• “A life isn’t significant except for isn’t impact on other lives.”  – Jackie Robinson
• “Whether you think that you can, or that you can’t, you are right.” -Henry Ford
• John Quincy Adams, said “If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.” Peter Drucker (I think) “You need to be serving a customer or serving someone who is”

Steven Wright

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that’s part of the experiment?  I’m like that all the time.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Hard work pays off in the future.  Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has photographic memory.  Some just don’t have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever — so far, so good.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

24 hours in a day… 24 beers in a case…. coincidence?

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism — to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I live at the end of a dead end one way street.  I don’t know how I got there.

If you think nobody care about you, try missing a couple of payments.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It’s a bitch to fold it.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings… Boy With Pail… Kitten On Fire.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates… When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, “Do I know you?

I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

I’m moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes…

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.

I installed a skylight in my apartment…. The people who live above me are furious!

All the plants in my house are dead — I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house… The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.”

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, “Why were you going so fast?” I said, “See this thing my foot is on? It’s called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it.”

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?” I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.”

I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking”, but I don’t have that much time.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You’d think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

There’s a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, “If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?”

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5’s. The clerk said, “ten-four.”

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said “pet supplies”. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said “compact cars”.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He said, “Yes, but not in a row.”

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, “It’s free with purchase.” I asked her if anyone bought anything toda

I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don’t get it…

I couldn’t find the remote control to the remote control.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day… He said, “Stephen, why haven’t you called me?” I said, “I can’t call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it.” He said, “How long have you had it?” I said, “I don’t know… my calendar has no sevens on it.”

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went “Aaaaahhhh…”

Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think so… he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait.”

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store… with a pricing gun… She said, “Give me all of the money in the vault, or I’m marking down everything in the store.”

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: “Do I know you?”

In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, “Cut it out.”

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I’d be the only one who knew. People come over and I’m gonna say, “Go ahead, touch it… it feels real.”

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above… so I never have to go upstairs.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity… If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

Top 100 Things I’d Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell in my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragon of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies predicament before killing them.
7. When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him. No, on second thought, I’ll shoot him and then say “No.”
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks’ time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled, “Danger: Don Not Push”. The big red button marked “Do Not Push” will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will clearly not be labelled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum – a small hotel room well outside my border will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least several round of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital count-down. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable. I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would prove a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and she’d betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legion of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way — even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless — my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strength and weaknesses. Even though this takes some fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line “No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!” (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive which is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcements and/or romantic sub-plot for the hero or his side-kick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won’t require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tell me my Legion of Terror is losing a battle, I will believe him.. After all, he’s my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all of those pesky time travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys that happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him and say “And here is the price for failure.” then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me “My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?”, I will reply “This.” and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all of my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions of the beautiful princess’ cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says “I’ll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!”, I will say “Oh well” and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legion of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legion of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owners manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: This also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask “Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?” I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of this nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a compentant psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be disadvantageous.
65. If I must have a computer system with publicly available terminals, the maps they display will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints and then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they’d better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant’s loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon, instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk “Project Overlord” and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legion of Terror to attack the heroes en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legion of Terror “And he must be taken alive-” the command will be “And try to take him alive if it is reasonable practical.”
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerously unbalanced structure.
83. If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. “Align the 12 stones of power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse.” Instead it will be more alone the lines of “Push the button/”
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to do the task again.
89. After I capture the hero’s super weapon, I will not disband legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my main control room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead, I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and the underling who failed or betrayed me, I will die first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cell mate tells the guard it’s an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However, if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each other’ lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data files of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free, unlimited internet access.

Why did the chicken cross the road???

Plato:  For the greater good.

Aristotle:  To fulfill its nature on the other side.

Karl Marx:  It was a historical inevitability.

Machiavelli:  So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a
chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road,
but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend
with such a paragon of avian virtue?  In such a manner is the princely
chicken’s dominion maintained.

Hippocrates:  Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its
pancreas.

Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each
interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be
discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Thomas de Torquemada:  Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I’ll
find out.

Timothy Leary:  Because that’s the only kind of trip the Establishment
would let it take.

Douglas Adams:  Forty-two.

Nietzsche:  Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road
gazes also across you.

Oliver North:  National Security was at stake.

B.F. Skinner:  Because the external influences which had pervaded its
sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that
it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be
of its own free will.

Carl Jung:  The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical
juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences
into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre:  In order to act in good faith and be true to
itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein:  The possibility of “crossing” was encoded into
the objects “chicken” and “road”, and circumstances came into being
which
caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein:  Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road
crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle:  To actualize its potential.

Buddha:  If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Howard Cosell:  It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
events to grace the annals of history.  An historic, unprecedented
avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement
formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable
occurence.

Salvador Dali:  The Fish.

Darwin:  It was the logical next step after coming down from the
trees.

Emily Dickinson:  Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus:  For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn’t cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe:  The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Ernest Hemingway:  To die.  In the rain.

Werner Heisenberg:  We are not sure which side of the road the chicken
was on, but it was moving very fast.

David Hume:  Out of custom and habit.

Saddam Hussein:  This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Jack Nicholson:  ‘Cause it (censored) wanted to.  That’s the
(censored) reason.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Ronald Reagan:  Well,……………….

John Sununu:  The Air Force was only too happy to provide the
transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself
of the opportunity.

The Sphinx:  You tell me.

Henry David Thoreau:  To live deliberately … and suck all the marrow
out of life.

Mark Twain:  The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Mishima:   For the beauty of it. The chicken’s extension of its
sinuous legs sent shivers of a dark despair into the souls not only of
the silently watching hens but also the roosters, who felt a sudden
sexual desire for their exquisite comrade.  The dark courage of the
chicken was as beautiful as drops of dew upon jade at midnight, struck
by a partial moon, its light filtered through clouds. One of the
deeply aroused roosters could stand the intensity of the moment no
more and bit off the head of the beautiful, courageous chicken-hero,
whose wine blood was deliciously drunken by the road, and he died.

Johnny Cochran:  The chicken didn’t cross the road. Some
chicken-hating, genocidal, lying public official moved the road right
under the chicken’s feet while he was practicing his golf swing and
thinking about his family.

Camus:  The chicken’s mother had just died.  But this did not really
upset him, as any number of witnesses can attest.  In fact, he
crossed just because the sun got in his eyes.

John Sununu (again):  I would argue that the chicken never crossed the
road at all.  That it is a story concocted by the Clinton
Administration to distract attention from their failed agriculture
policy. Where is the evidence that the chicken crossed the road?
Where, Michael?

Michael Kinsley:  Oh, John, come on!  Everybody knows the chicken
crossed the road.  What evidence do you need?  It’s obvious that the
chicken crossed the road.  Your whole argument is just a smoke and
mirror tactic to distract us from the fact that most chickens polled
now back the Democratic Party.  You ought to be ashamed of yourself,
John.

Siskel:  I don’t know why it crossed the road, but I loved it.  Thumbs
up!

Ebert:  I disagree.  The whole thing left the audience wondering; the
chicken’s crossing the road was never clearly explained and the
chicken didn’t emote very well.  It couldn’t even speak English!
Thumbs down.

Michael Kinsley:  But you both agree it did cross the road, right?
See, John.  I’m right as usual.

Mislleneous Quotes

# “A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic.” – Joseph Stalin
# “I know I’m paranoid, but am I paranoid enough?” –Tom Clancy.
# “I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.” –Peter Kaye.
# “Your net worth to the world is usually determined by what remains after your bad habits are subtracted from your good ones.”
# “If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.” – George W. Bush
# 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
# 43% of all statistics are worthless.
# 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
# A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.
# A bad plan is better than no plan.
# A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
# A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
# A closed mouth gathers no feet.
# A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
# A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
# A day for firm decisions! Or is it?
# A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
# A day without sunshine is like, night.
# A drunk mans’ words are a sober mans’ thoughts.
# A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
# A gentleman is a patient wolf.
# A good pun is its own reword.
# A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
# A king’s castle is his home.
# A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl’s complexion seem what it ain’t.
# A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
# A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.
# A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman already knows.
# A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
# A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
# A penny saved is ridiculous.
# A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
# A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.
# A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
# A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.
# A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on.
# A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
# A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students
# A weekend wasted isn’t a wasted weekend.
# A witty saying proves nothing.
# According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.
# Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.
# Adult: One old enough to know better.
# After all is said and done, more is said than done.
# Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
# All generalisations are dangerous, even this one.
# All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
# All that glitters has a high refractive index.
# All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
# All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
# All work and no play, will make you a manager.
# Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
# Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
# Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
# An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
# An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
# An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
# Anarchy is better than no government at all.
# Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.
# Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
# Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
# Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
# Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
# Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
# Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
# Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.
# Are you wearing lipstick? Well, mind if I taste it?
# Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
# As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
# Atheism is a non-prophet organization
# Atheists can do whatever the hell they want.
# Attempt to get a new car for your spouse–it’ll be a great trade!
# Attitude determines your altitude.
# Automobile: A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
# Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
# Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay…
# Bad spellers of the world untie!
# Bald guys never have a bad hair day.
# BATCH: A group, kinda like a herd.
# Batteries not included.
# Be good – and if you can’t be good, be careful.
# Be good; if you can’t be good, have fun.
# Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
# Be naughty – save santa the trip.
# Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
# Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
# Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
# Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on.
# Beer – the reason I wake up every afternoon.
# Before you meet your handsome prince you may have to kiss a lot of toads.
# Best viewed on my computer.
# Better late than really late.
# Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
# Biology grows on you.
# Borrow money from pessimists–they don’t expect it back.
# Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
# Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.
# C:\ is the root of all directories.
# Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
# Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
# Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man and communism is the reverse.
# Carpenter’s rule: cut to fit; beat into place.
# Celibacy is not heriditary.
# Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
# Chaos, panic, pandemonium – my work here is done.
# Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
# Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
# Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
# CLEARASOL – Effective sunspot remover.
# Clones are people two.
# Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.
# Cocaine is gods way of telling you that you make too much money.
# Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
# Computer hackers do it all night long.
# Computer programmers don’t byte, they nybble a bit.
# Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
# Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
# Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
# Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
# Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.
# Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime?
# Cult: It just means not enough people to make a minority.
# Dawn is nature’s way of telling you to go to bed.
# Death is life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired.
# Death is Nature’s way of saying ’slow down’.
# Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.
# Diplomacy is saying “nice doggy” until you find a rock.
# Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
# Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer.
# Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
# Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
# Don’t argue with a fool. The spectators can’t tell the difference.
# Don’t be a sexist; chicks hate that!
# Don’t be humble, you’re not that great.
# Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.
# Don’t believe everything you think.
# Don’t cry because its over, smile because it happened.
# Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.
# Don’t hate yourself in the morning, sleep till noon.
# Don’t let yesterday take up to much of today.
# Don’t steal a police car unless you’re prepared to floor it all the way to Mexico.
# Don’t sweat petty things……or pet sweaty things.
# Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
# Don’t tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
# Don’t tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
# Don’t trust reality. After all, it’s only a collective hunch.
# Drive defensively – buy a tank.
# Drive defensively, buy a tank.
# Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can’t remember.
# Dyslexics have more fnu.
# Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.
# Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
# Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
# Earn cash in your spare time. Blackmail your friends.
# Earn cash in your spare timem, blackmail friends.
# Earth first! (We’ll strip-mine the other planets later).
# Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
# Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
# Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
# Elevators smell different to midgets.
# Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
# Even at a Mensa convention someone is the dumbest person in the room.
# Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
# Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
# Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.
# Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.
# Every solution breeds new problems.
# Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
# Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
# Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film
# Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
# Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit.
# Everything is always okay in the end, if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.
# Everytime I think the world is moving so fast, I go to the post office.
# Examine what is said, not who speaks.
# Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
# Excuse me, is there an airport nearby large enough for a private jet to land?
# Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
# Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes.
# F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
# Failure is not an option – it’s a lifestyle.
# Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
# Failure teaches success.
# Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them use to reality.
# Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful.
# Familiarity breeds children.
# Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, scratch where it itches.
# Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
# First rule of acting: whatever happens, look as if it were intended.
# For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
# For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong.
# For good, return good. For evil, return justice.
# Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen.
# Freedom of speech is wonderful – right up there with the freedom not to listen.
# Friendly fire – isn’t.
# Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
# Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
# Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.
# Frog blast the vent core!
# Gee, Toto, I don’t think we’re in kansas anymore.
# Getting screwed while everybody else is getting laid.
# Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.
# Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.
# Goals are deceptive. The unaimed arrow never misses.
# God didn’t create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th
# God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
# God made us brothers, but prozac made us friends.
# God will forgive me. That’s his job, after all.
# Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
# Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
# Happiness isn’t having what you want, it’s wanting what you have.
# Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now.
# Have you noticed that the wrong calls are never busy?
# He who hesitates is probably right.
# He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
# Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
# Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand.
# Help support helpless victims of computer error.
# Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
# Herblock’s Law: if it is good, they will stop making it.
# He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.
# Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
# Hey, you want to go out for pizza and some sex? What, you don’t like pizza?
# History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
# Home is where you hang your @
# Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
# Honk if you love peace and quiet.
# How can I know what I think until I hear what I say?
# How come wrong numbers are never busy?
# How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
# How is it possible to have a civil war?
# How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
# I am not single, I’m romantically challenged.
# I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
# I can’t complain, but sometimes I still do.
# I can’t spell and beer doesn’t help.
# I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
# I don’t mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch!
# I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
# I doubt, therefore I might be.
# I drink to make other people interesting.
# I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
# I have a strong will but a weak won’t.
# I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory
# I like being single. I’m always there when I need me.
# I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.
# I prefer old age to the alternative.
# I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.
# I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
# I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken.
# I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self- help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
# I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
# I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
# I’d buy you a drink, but i’d be jealous of the straw.
# I’d insult you, but you’re not bright enough to notice.
# I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
# If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it’s still a foolish thing.
# If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn’t get very far.
# If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
# If a man tells a woman she’s beautiful she’ll overlook most of his other lies.
# If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
# If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
# If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them.
# If all the girls in Australia were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be at all surprised.
# If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
# If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
# If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.
# If at first you don’t succeed, give up! No use being a damn fool.
# If at first you don’t succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
# If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
# If at first you don’t succeed, quit; don’t be a nut about success.
# If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
# If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
# If at first you don’t succeed, try a shorter bungee.
# If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
# If blind people wear sunglasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?
# If everything is going well, you don’t know what the hell is Going on.
# If everything seems to be going right, you obviously don’t know what the hell is going on.
# If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
# If god is inside us, then I hope he likes Fajita’s, cause that’s what he’s getting.
# If god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
# If homosexuality is a disease, can I call into work ‘gay’?
# If I look confused it’s because I’m thinking.
# If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
# If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.
# If life gives you lemons, stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.
# If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
# If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
# If oranges smell like chicken, why are tomatoes blue? Think about it!
# If people actually looked like what they look like in their passport photos very few countries will let them in.
# If quiters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said “Quit while you’re ahead”?
# If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
# If superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?
# If the early bird catches the worm, what about the worm?
# If the opposite of pro is con, then what must be the opposite of progress?
# If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
# If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.
# If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
# If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?
# If we’d stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.
# If you are going through hell, keep going.
# If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance.
# If you are not committing any sins, you are probably not having a lot of fun.
# If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.
# If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
# If you can see this, you’re not blind, which is a very good start.
# If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
# If you can’t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
# If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed towards you.
# If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
# If you didn’t get caught, did you really do it?
# If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.
# If you don’t change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.
# If you don’t die from it — it is healthy.
# If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
# If you never go off on a tangent you end up going in circles.
# If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
# If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
# If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
# If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
# If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
# If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
# If you understand what you’re doing, you’re not learning anything.
# If you’re happy, you’re successful.
# If you’re not having fun, then you’re not doing it right.
# If you’re not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
# Illegal drugs are the chlorine in the gene pool.
# I’m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.
# I’m defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
# I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman!
# I’m not paranoid, they really are after me.
# In a world without walls and fences who needs Windows and Gates?
# In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.
# In the dark I hold your hand, because in the light you look like a man.
# In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds.
# Is there another word for synonym?
# It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
# It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
# It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
# It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
# It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out.
# It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
# It works better if you plug it in.
# It’s better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
# It’s better to keep your mouth shut and have people think you are a fool than to open it and remove any lingering doubt.
# It’s like deja vu all over again.
# It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
# It’s not reality that’s important, but how you perceive things.
# It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
# It’s the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.
# Jack and Jill did it for insurance.
# Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.
# Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
# Laugh and people will laugh with you. Snore and you will snore alone.
# Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
# Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself.
# Learn from my parent’s mistake. Don’t have kids!
# Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.
# Learning from your mistakes is smart, learning from the mistakes of others is wise.
# Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
# Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
# Life exists for no known purpose.
# Life is an open door. It can be closed at any time, so don’t complain about the draught.
# Life is garden, don’t be a hoe.
# Life is sexually transmitted.
# Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans.
# Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.
# Life’s a bitch, and then you’re reincarnated.
# Life’s a bleach and then you dye.
# Linux: because rebooting is for adding new hardware.
# Logic is in the eye of the logician.
# Love is atemporary insanity curable by marriage.
# Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
# Lunix… Because i’m better than you.
# Lynch’s Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
# Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
# Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
# Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
# Marriage. An expensive way of getting your laundry done for free.
# Married men live longer than single men, but they’re a lot more willing to die.
# Matrimony isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.
# Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.
# Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
# Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. ‘No’ is the answer.
# Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
# Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
# Money should be utilized as a tool. You just gotta know which nuts to screw.
# MOP AND GLOW – Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
# Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
# Mother told me to be good, but she’s been wrong before.
# My homework is like a juicy steak, rarely done.
# Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.
# Never buy a car you can’t push.
# Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
# Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
# Never eat yellow snow.
# Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
# Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
# Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
# Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
# Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways.
# Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
# Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
# Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
# Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
# Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
# Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.
# No good deed goes unpunished.
# No guts, no glory, no brain, same story.
# No job is so simple that is can’t be done wrong.
# No one is listening until you make a mistake.
# No-one suspects the butterfly!
# Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
# Not all men are fools… Some are bachelors.
# Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
# Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
# NyQuil: The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
# Of course there’s no reason for it, it’s just our policy.
# Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one I’ve never tried before.
# Old age is nothing to worry about, except if you’re a cheese.
# Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
# Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
# On the other hand, you have different fingers.
# Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it’s hard to get it back in.
# One good turn gets most of the blankets.
# One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
# One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
# Only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles.
# Only dead fish go with the flow.
# Only the winners decide what were war crimes.
# Pardon my driving, I’m reloading.
# People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.
# Pretend to spank me – I’m a pseudo-masochist!
# Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
# Quando omni flunkus moritati – when all else fails, play dead.
# Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
# Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
# Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn’t want to live there.
# Reality is for people who can’t handle drugs.
# Reality’s the only obstacle to happiness.
# Rehab is for quitters.
# Religion cannot be without morality, but morality may arrive without religion.
# Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF, all of my base are belong to you.
# Rugby is a game played by a few gentlemen with odd shaped balls.
# Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
# Save water – take a bath with your neighbor’s daughter.
# Screw up your life, you’ve screwed everything else up.
# Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
# Sex is like air, it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
# Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
# Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
# Sex on tv can’t hurt unless you fall off.
# She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
# Silver’s law: If Murphy’s law can go wrong it will.
# Sleep: a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.
# Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
# Smith & wesson: the original point and click interface.
# Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
# Software isn’t released, it’s allowed to escape.
# Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
# Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.
# Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
# Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.
# Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
# Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
# Spelling is a lossed art.
# SQWERTY: Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.
# Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
# Support your local Search and Rescue unit. Get lost.
# Sure, when… – oink flap oink flap – well I’ll be darned!
# SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING.
# Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
# Take it easy, and if you get it easy take it twice.
# Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
# Teamwork is essential – it allows you to blame someone else.
# Tech-support: A support group for people suffering from Tech.
# The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
# The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
# The beatings will continue until morale improves.
# The best things in life aren’t things.
# The chance of a piece of bread falling the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
# The colder the X-Ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
# The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
# The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.
# The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.
# The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
# The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
# The future will be better tomorrow.
# The geek shall inherit the earth.
# The Killer Ducks are coming!
# The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
# The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it.
# The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.
# The only certain thing in life is death.
# The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
# The only job you start at the top is digging a hole.
# The only really decent thing to do behind a person’s back is pat it.
# The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
# The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
# The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
# The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.
# The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
# The revolution will not be televised.
# The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
# The road to success is always under construction.
# The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
# The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
# The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
# The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.
# The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
# The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
# The web isn’t better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.
# There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don’t.
# There are no short cuts to any place worth going.
# There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
# There are three kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can’t.
# There are two kinds of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.
# There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
# There is no time like the pleasant.
# There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
# There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
# They call it “pms” because “mad cow disease” was already taken.
# They’re only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
# Think much, Speak little, Write less.
# This sentence contradicts itself — no actually it doesn’t.
# This website may not be idiot proof, but at least it’s dimwit resistant.
# This will be a memorable month — no matter how hard you try to forget.
# Those who can’t write, write help files.
# Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
# Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
# To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
# To err is human, to forgive highly unlikely.
# To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
# To generalize is to be an idiot.
# To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
# Today is the first day of the rest of this mess.
# Today is the last day of your life so far.
# Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
# Today’s children would be less spoiled if we could spank grandparents!
# Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
# Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
# Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
# Too much of everything is just enough.
# Tracers work both ways.
# TRAPEZOID: A device for catching zoids.
# Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.
# Unix is user friendly – it’s just picky about it’s friends.
# Veni, vedi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.
# Veni, Vidi, Velcro – I came, I saw, I stuck around.
# Viewer discretion may be advised, but it’s never really expected.
# War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
# Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
# Wasting time is an important part of life.
# Wasting time is an important part of living.
# We all can’t be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
# We found Jesus – he was behind the sofa all along.
# We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
# Welcome what you can’t avoid.
# What boots up must come down.
# What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
# What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
# What if there were no hypothetical questions?
# What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
# What the world needs is more geniuses with humility and there are so few of us left.
# What was the best thing before sliced bread?
# What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.
# When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
# When all else fails, admit i’m right and kiss my ass.
# When all else fails, read the instructions.
# When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
# When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
# When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me.
# When I was young I was told that anyone could be president. Now I’m beginning to believe it.
# When in doubt empty the magazine.
# When in doubt, do what the President does. Guess.
# When in doubt, don’t bother.
# When in doubt, ignore it.
# When in doubt, poke it with a stick.
# When it’s dark enough you can see the stars.
# When someone points skyward, it’s the fool that looks at the finger.
# When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
# When the pin is pulled, Mr. grenade is not our friend.
# When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?
# When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
# When you don’t know what you are doing, do it neatly.
# When you have nothing to say, say nothing.
# Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
# Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
# While having never invented a sin, I’m trying to perfect several.
# Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?
# Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have “S” in it?
# Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of assteroids”?
# Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.
# Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
# Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
# Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?
# Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
# Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
# Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
# Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.
# With a rubber duck, you’re never alone.
# With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
# Women’s libbers should be put behind bras.
# Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.
# Work is the curse of the drinking class.
# Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.
# Worry is a misuse of the imagination.
# Worry is like a rocking chair; it keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.
# Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
# Yesterday I could not spell computers and today I are a programmer.
# You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
# You can observe a lot just by watching.
# You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
# You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
# You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
# You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.
# You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
# You don’t have to explain something you never said.
# You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
# You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive
# You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
# Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
# You’re driving a car. It isn’t a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.
# You’re just jealous because the little voices only talk to me.
# You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
# You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.”I regularly get emails from strangers telling me about this Terribly
# Important new XML language they’ve cooked up, to which the standard rejoinder is ‘get in touch when you have some software to show me.’” Or less Canadianly, ‘Shut up and show me the code.’” — Tim Bray and John Cowan on xml-dev
#In all other respects his paper is a wonderful example of what a multitude of words can do towards obliterating meaning.- Sir John Herschel
# As far as I can tell, calling something philosophical is like greasing a pig to make it hard to catch. – Eric Pepke
#The days come and go like muffled and veiled figures sent from a distant friendly party, but they say nothing, and if we do not use the gifts they bring, they carry them as silently away.  Ralph Waldo Emerson
#I have one very basic rule when it comes to “good ideas”. A good idea is not an idea that solves a problem cleanly. A good idea is an idea that solves *several* things at the same time. The mark of good coding is not that the program does what you want, it’s that it *also* does something that you didn’t start out wanting. – Linus Torvalds
#Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.  Mark Twain
#We ought to get a life, but this one is TOOO much fun to give up! — ???, in one fandom or another
#I’ll get a life when someone demonstrates that it would be superior to what I have now.
#I am not obsessive compulsive; I can stop anytime I want as soon as I fall dead asleep.
#After 36 hours of no sleep, you start to see lots of interesting new colors.
#Weird? I’m not weird. Strange, yes, demented even, but not weird! You see things and you say ‘why?’
But I dream things that never were, and say, ‘Why not?’
#Which is better, sex or staring at static on a TV screen until your eyes burn out?
#I prefer sex until your eyes burn out.
#Life is like a box of chocolates… in a Monty Python skit!
#Caffeine is a wonderful thing and without it I think my eyeballs could fall out.
#Theory: when you have ideas. Ideology: when ideas have you.
#Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other Eight are Unimportant.
#”I’m the lady in black today, mourning my lost youth.”
#”What’s his name?”
#Apparently if you stop at a traffic light, you must immediately regress 2000 years. I get behind people like that all the time. — Somebody watching a ForeverKnight episode
#Sometimes I lie awake at night in my bed and I watch the stars, and I wonder, where the fuck is my ceiling?
#I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, ‘I’m going to mop the floor with your face.’ I said, ‘You’ll be sorry.’ He said, ‘Oh, yeah? Why?’ I said, ‘Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.’
#The way to a man’s heart is through his chest cavity with a chainsaw.
#Duncan MacButShe’sAWomanAndIHadSexWithHer of the Clan McChivalry…
#It’s a job, and somebody dirty’s got to do it — ???, re X-Files slash
#Anything once, twice if I don’t get permanently injured first time
#There’s no such thing as too much Methos — Gillian Eldridge’s sig file
#I am torch of Borg. Resistance is futile. — torch, converting someone to yet another fandom with slashfiction
#There’s not nearly enough room in my closet for what I get up to. — The Comtessa of Lucharbar
#If you can’t afford a Rolls Royce, don’t want one.
#Try holding your breath for as long as it takes your home page to load.
#The thing women have got to learn is that nobody gives you power. You just take it.
#”It’s too bad she won’t live! But then again, who does?” — from ‘Bladerunner’
#I know but one freedom, and that is the freedom of the mind.
#I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.
#I think I’ve discovered the secret of life – you just hang around until you get used to it.
#Yesterday I was a dog. Today I’m a dog. Tomorrow I’ll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There’s so little hope for advancement. — Snoopy
#The difference between fiction and reality is that fiction has to make sense
#fight war, not wars. destroy power, not people.
#You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.
#A well-known scientist (some say it was Bertrand Russel) once gave a public lecture on astronomy. He described how the earth orbited around the sun and how the sun, in turn, orbits around the center of a vast collection of stars called our galaxy. And the end of the lecture a little old lady at the back of the room got up and said: ‘What you have told us is rubbish. The world is really a flat plate supported on the back of a giant tortoise.’ The scientist gave a superior smile before replying,’ What’s the turtle standing on?’ ‘You’re very clever, young man, very clever,’ said the old lady,’but it’s turtles all the way down!’
#I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.
#The cure for everything is salt water: Sweat, tears, or the sea.
#”You know what happens if we don’t take that chance?” “What?” “Nothing.” — from the movie ‘Braveheart’
#I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland. — from ‘Manhatten Murder Mystery’
#If Jesus Christ came back today and saw what was being done in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.
#If it is tourist season, why can’t I shoot them?
#Harriet: Do you actually like Haggis? Charlie: No, I think it’s repellent in every way. In fact, I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
#Some mornings it just doesn’t seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
#I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
#We have strange and wonderful relationship. You’re strange and I’m wonderful.
#I can see clearly now, the brain is gone…
#Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.
#I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it.
#God invented man because Eve’s vibrator ran out of batteries.
#God invented men because he wanted a good laugh.
#I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
#If life hands you a lemon, break out the tequila and salt!
#Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
#”Let’s be doomed and angst-ridden together and screw a lot while waiting for disaster to strike.” — How Krycek would propose to Mulder, by torch
#”What shall we hang, the holly or each other?” — A Lion in Winter (great movie, btw!)
#Wicked is evil, but with more humor, style, and sex appeal.
#That’s my main argument against public breast-feeding: I can’t see a damn thing. It’s such a tease.
#If man evolved from the ape, how come there are still apes around? Some of them were given choices. — Johnny Hart’s comic strip “B. C.”
#Men… give them an inch… and they add it to their own.
#If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
#If they can put a man on the moon, then why can’t they just put them all there?
#PMS is something that makes a woman act once a month like a man acts every day.
#The guy who said all men are created equal never went to a nudist colony.
#They say that men only think about sex. That’s not exactly true. They also care a lot about power, world domination, money, and beer.
#If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading are precisely those that challenge our convictions.
#No one can make you inferior without your consent.
#From Picard, Jean-Luc, Captain USS Enterprise, to Starfleet Command. Dear Sirs: I regret to inform you that I find exploring the universe is less of a challenge than exploring my lover’s gorgeous body.*
#From Starfleet Command to Picard, Captain, USS Enterprise. Dear Jean-Luc: We’ve seen him and we can’t blame you.* — found in torch’s .sig file, probably came from a story by Varoneeka
#Everywhere I’ve been in Manhattan the streets are called Walk and Don’t Walk. — Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett
#”The Truckers trilogy has a fair amount of changes of a ‘pavement = sidewalk’ nature which is understandable in a book which should be accessible to kids. They also excised the word ‘damn’ so’s not to get banned in Alabama, which is a shame because I’ve always wanted to be banned in Alabama, ever since I first heard of the place.” — Terry Pratchett
#”You’re so dead I don’t know why you bothered being born.” — The Darkness, Image Comics
#In fact, I want the next movie to be entitled “STAR WARS — Episode II: Not-Dead Rebel Jedi Boinks Braid Boy For Two Damn Hours Straight” I mean, sure they might have to widen the posters a bit, and the Pizza Hut merchandising people might get a little nervous, but I think it’ll be a hit. — someone on M_A
#If one puts one’s friend’s hamster (which one is rodent-sitting) up next to the wire cage of one’s gerbils, one’s gerbils will get very upset and are likely to bite one’s smallest finger straight through, with the unfortunate outcome that one ends up standing by the cage, shaking one’s hand (gerbil attached) until one works up enough centrifugal force to toss the gerbil loose.
#Do not meddle in the affairs of slashers, for you are cute and look good with other men.
#Obi-Wan: “I’m sorry Anakin. You’re too tall. I shan’t fuck you.”
Anakin: “NOOOOOOO! You bastard… I’ll turn to the Dark Side for that…” — Pumpkin, on M_A
#Be creative when describing anatomical body parts. If you’re really good, people won’t even know they’re reading a sex scene.
#I read _The Bridges Of Madison County_ in its entirety in a hospital waiting room while my friend was giving birth, and I don’t know who was in more pain.
#Don’t these subtleties of ideological conflict just make you want to KILL people sometimes?
#”Sorry, but… moroser? Shouldn’t that be ‘more morose’?” “Declination: Ose. More ose. Totally depressing. Beckett.”
#I don’t want children. It’s very simple. I don’t want something to grow in my body, painfully rip its way out, and then demand to be the center of my life for at least 20 years. I just don’t find the concept appealing
#I just want you to stop spreading your filth and lies to the internet, remember it belongs to everyone.
#When I get old, I don’t want people to say how sweet I am. I want them to say, “Look out, she may be armed.”
#…we’re dealing with a world where Yahoo not only has a masturbation category, but a category devoted specifically to *Australian* masturbation.
#”cocksucking is pretty much a free form art. There is no list of required moves (like in figure skating), and no points are deducted for creativity” — Minotaur’s “Sex Tips For Slash Writers” page
#Ben: You cannot win Darth. If you strike me down, I’ll become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
Vader: Oooooo, I’m scared. You’ll glow and lie a lot. Watch me tremble.
#Some people demand a Very Close Extrapolation From What We See In Canon, others are more willing to let things slide (and thus we end up with Baby!Blair and an Obi-Wan who doesn’t quite seem to know what to do with his lightsaber, ooo, it makes pretty colors, doesn’t it Master?) – someone on FCA-L, quite possibly torch
#Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this
#There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast
#In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats
#Why Leia noticed Luke was “a little short for a stormtrooper: ” Maybe she noticed because he didn’t smack his head on the door as he entered?
#My God Is Always Horny
#”I don’t want the terror of seeing my own ass on screen. What if I like it — a LOT?” — Callum Keith Rennie
#There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats
#I caught a falling star. It cut my hands to pieces.
#The train will be late due to police activity. Today’s police activity is: arts and crafts!
#Evelyn, a dog, having undergone further modification, pondered the significance of short-person behavior in pedal-depressed panchromatic resonance and other highly ambient domains. “Arf,” she said.
#Once again… or rather, for the first time… Ray goes through a window for Fraser. (And miraculously manages to avoid bleeding to death. But that’s another story.)
#I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
#From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
#That’s what newsgroups are for – very shy extroverts.
#You probably think that we are sad and weird. But I don’t care. I am a happy nerd in cyberspace, where nobody can see my haircut.
#…I don’t have to know an answer…I don’t feel frightened by not knowing things, by being lost in a mysterious universe without having any purpose. Which is the way it really is, as far as I can tell. Possibly. It doesn’t frighten me.
#If you can’t answer a man’s argument, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
#If you haven’t all the things you want, be grateful for the things you don’t have that you wouldn’t want.
#Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
#The glass is neither half empty nor half full. It is twice as large as it needs to be.
#Happiness is not having what you want. It’s wanting what you have.
#When 25 percent of the population believe that the president should be impeached and 51 percent believe in UFO’s, you may or may not need a new president, but you definitely need a new population.
#Neither a story nor a fetus is improved by showing it to the world before it’s done.
#This is the worst case of foreplay I’ve ever had. Is this fun? Let me know. I’ve had fun. I think I’ll recognize it.
#Well, there’s knees apart, and then there’s knees *apart*. Obi-Wan’s sitting posture and stance seem to have a strong element of “*this* young monster needs *room*!” — though to be fair, it probably does.
#I’m one of those sensitive men of the 90s. *You’re* the one!
#In Canada they have to say, “You have the right to remain silent, eh?”
#I have this theory about guilt. If they’re going to accuse you of it, you might as well do it.
#User has gone mad. Phone works fine. — Seen in a helpdesk case note
#Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
#In my spare time I have been attempting to construct an Eskimo sentence in my basement, such as will be suitable for the season. I have not got it perfected yet, but it is coming along pretty well, and with a coat of paint or two it might pass for the genuine article. So far I have: kaniktshaq moritlkatsio atsuniartoq. When completed, this sentence will proclaim: “Look at all this f-ing snow.” At present it means: “Observe the snow. It fornicates.”
#Not only does the English Language borrow words from other languages, it sometimes chases them down dark alleys, hits them over the head, and goes through their pockets.
#A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit. — In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance
#All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can’t get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer. — IBM maintenance manual, 1925
#All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
#I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
#’Who needs them alive when they are so incredibly good together with one of them dead?!’ — Brenda Antrim about Mulder, Krycek and necrophilia stories
#Showering with gifts is far from being a dominant ritual in fanfiction (showering with each other is much more common) — from a Virg and Fort rant
#As I said in Ansible 152 about another piece of technology, “I may be as disappointed in this as I was in the error-correcting modem, the magnetic stud finder, the universal remote control, and the Radio Shack male-to-female, female-to-male conversion kit.”
#”It is ridiculous to believe that videogames affect children. If, for example, Pac-Man affected children in the eighties, we should have a lot of children today that run around in dark rooms, taking pills while listening to monotone music.”
#Also, Methos is a character and he is nothing like Peter Wingfield. Okay, they’re both presumably male, but none of us have seen Methos’ bits and pieces, so it’s just a theory. If you’ve seen Peter Wingfield’s, I don’t want to know about it. — from a rant by AnneZo
#People rarely need to have their preferences in fruit validated by others. — torch
#One thing I’ve learned since discovering the net all those years ago is that there’s a kink for everyone, and someone for every kink.
#There are these two guys, and one of them is Big and Strong and Repressed, and the other one is Sweet and Liberal and Cries. A Lot. Yay, fandom!
#Shinobu is unlike Touga in that the sign on his forehead says, “don’t even think about it,” instead of “take me now”. — !SuperCat
#I’m not a big fan of Dress Up Obi or Kinky Obi, I like my men looking like men, not like Carmen Miranda on a bad banana day. — DBKate
#Bipedalism, increased cranial capacity, opposable thumbs, and we still fuck first and ask questions later. The first tools we made were probably sex toys.
#”I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus…”
#Currently struggling with a vision of Wedge with whiney farmboy[TM] in his arms, crying (urgently) “Stay on target! Stay on target!” “Negative! Negative! it didn’t go in! It just impacted on the surface.” Luke bursts into tears, while Wedge tries to reassure him that it happens to every guy once in a while, and they can try again in a few minutes. — Ann, M_A
#Ed lives for obscene dedications – this is the guy who gave me a banana and then signed it “Eat me! Ed Wasser.”
#”There…ohhh….master, please.” Instead of striking his apprentice again, Yoda banged is gimmer stick on the floor. “Qui Gon, hit you where I want I will. Not where you ask. Beg, Jedi do not.” — ‘chelle, M_A
#Chocolate sauce is not a safe lubricant.
#Powdered sugar is not a lubricant at all.
#Never pour honey on a hairy man.
#Never fool around in a rolling chair.
#Never go parking in a car on a hill.
#And remember, it’s rude not to swallow.
#”My personal “huh what? ew!” is Q/Yoda. Don’t get that at all. The physical aspaects of it are just… no thanks, not my cup of tea.”
#”Given Liam’s… attributes…. it seems a bit like shagging a hamster to me!”

Pick-Up Lines

Geeks

1. You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
2. Since distance equals velocity times time, let’s let velocity or time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.\
3. My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing.
4. Let’s convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.
5. Wanna come back to my room….and see my 733mhz Pentium?
6. You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.
7. Your body has the nicest arc length I’ve ever seen.
8. I wish I was your derivative because then I would be tangent to your curves.
9. I hope you know set theory because I want to intersect you and union you.
10. Would you like to see my log?

Grandpa: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.

Lionel Hutz: Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly,” and replace “dog” with “son.”

Homer: Are you saying you’re never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

Scully: Homer, we’re going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. (lie dectector blows up)

Chief Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a… car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.

Homer: Marge? Since I’m not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won’t be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin’ your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you’re ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you’re not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa’s the one you’re not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.

Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don’t show up tomorrow don’t bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend.

Homer: Aw, twenty dollars! I wanted a peanut!
Homer’s Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how!
Homer’s Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Homer: Woo-hoo!

From comments on make believe eskimos to the irrelevance of senior citizens, the Simpsons cover a wide range of issues. When reading about their views on life, remember: it’s supposed to be funny. If you actually learn anything, well, that’s just an added bonus.

Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Quote Rating: 9.1 outta 10 – Vote Now!

Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
Quote Rating: 9.1 outta 10 – Vote Now!

Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals … except the weasel.
Quote Rating: 9.1 outta 10 – Vote Now!

Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
Quote Rating: 9.0 outta 10 – Vote Now!

Homer: Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
Quote Rating: 8.9 outta 10 – Vote Now!

Moe: I’m better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt… I can’t compete with that stuff.
Quote Rating: 8.9 outta 10 – Vote Now!

Mr. Burns: I’ll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.
Quote Rating: 8.9 outta 10 – Vote Now!

Homer: If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it’s that pelicans can be used to mix cement.

Homer: Well crying isn’t going to help. Now, you can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food until your dog comes back, or you can go out there and find your dog.
Bart: You’re right.
[Gets up and leaves]
Homer: Rats. I almost had him eating dog food.

Homer: I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

Ralph: When i grow up, I want to be a principal or a caterpillar.

Homer: Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.

Chief Wiggum: Can’t you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can’t be policing the entire city!

Homer: All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say ‘Yo Goober! Where’s the meat!?’. I’m trying to impress people here Lisa. You don’t win friends with salad.

Bart: I smell a museum.
Homer: Yeah, good things don’t end with ‘eum,’ they end with ‘mania’ or ‘teria.’

Homer: I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

Some Useful Condescending Phrases

Some useful phrases to use as an Evil Overlord as given by Steve Meredith. These humorous cuts were originally listed as useful phrases to use around work but they probably only work well if you are a Evil Overlord(TM).

• Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
• The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
• I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
• I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t care.
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
• What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
• I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
• I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
• It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
• Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
• No, my powers can only be used for good.
• How about never? Is never good for you?
• I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
• You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication.
• I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
• I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
• I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
• Who me? I just wander from room to room.
• My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!
• It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
• At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
• You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
• I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
• Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Bumper Stickers and Sarcasm and Sign

My Airman fights for your honor student’s freedom! (thanks to Brandon Alexander)
I have an IQ in the top 2%. Who cares about the other 95%?
I can’t get enough minimalism. (thanks to Mark)
I’m not bossy, I just know what you should be doing. (thanks to Eggs Benedict)
Egrets? I’ve had a few. (thanks to Frank)
I’m so far behind, I thought I was first.
I am the English Teacher about whom your mother warned you. (thanks to Eggs Benedict)
Five days a week, my body is a temple. The other two, it’s an amusement park. (thanks to Skip Tucker)
My idea of a team effort is a lot of people doing whatever I say. (thanks to Jacob)
That’s irrelevant, and irrelevant never forgets. (thanks to Adam Cochran)
Learn Spanish! Jesus is coming. (thanks to Moon Child on Mars)
I’m 33 1/3 RPM in an iPod world. (thanks to Eggs Benedict)
Apathy: I could take it or leave it.
If you drink, don’t park. Accidents cause people. (thanks to Skip Tucker)
There’s no right way to eat a Rhesus.
I don’t know why I’m even out of bed.
If life gives you peanuts, make peanut butter. (thanks to Kim Jonathans-Kepel)
Inside every large program is a small program trying to get out. (thanks to Warren)
Beer is now cheaper than gas. Drink, don’t drive! (thanks to Kevin Germain)
If I’m talking, everyone should be taking notes. (thanks to Jacob)
You are 98% chimp.
Where is the rapture when you need it? (thanks to Bill Robinson)
Faster than a speeding ticket. (thanks to Conrad K.)
Better half a slogan… (thanks to Silly Wommers)
People who think they know it all really annoy those of us who do. (thanks to Judy McGuire)
Ham radio operators do it with greater frequency. (thanks to Bil Munsil)
I have a perfect body. It’s your vision that’s defective. (thanks to Jacob)
I never thought I’d miss Nixon. (thanks to Amber)
Well, at least the war on the environment is going well. (thanks to Sarah Lang)
Jesus loves me, this I know – that is why I don’t drive slow! (thanks to Elisha Cheverie)
Just be happy I’m not a twin. (thanks to Jacob)
Churches only worship the prophet margin. (thanks to John Wilson)
Screw world peace, visualize DRIVING. (thanks to Mac S. Asti)
You probably don’t recognize me without the cape. (thanks to Jacob)
Don’t believe everything you think. (thanks to Michael D.)
My feminine side is lesbian. (thanks to Justin Kinser)
Without geometry, life is pointless. (thanks to Ryan Mazonis)
WWJD (Who Wants Jelly Donuts?) (thanks to Craig)
I’m schizophrenic and so am I. (thanks to Sasori)
Cats make everything taste better. (thanks to Gray)
Stable relationships are for horses. (thanks to Graham)
Your body would look good in my trunk. (thanks to Tiens)
Just say NO to negativity. (thanks to Kevin McKinley)
I thought I was indecisive; now I’m not so sure.
I read the Constitution for the articles.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade. (thanks to Jordan)
I’ve heard about the evils of drinking beer, so I gave up reading.
Beer doesn’t make you fat. It makes you lean (against doors, tables, walls).
My gamer fragged your honor student. (thanks to Shaun)
The bigger the hat, the better the cowboy.
My dog is smarter than your honor student. (thanks to Gray)
I feel better after I wine a little.
Squirrels – nature’s speed bumps. (thanks to Brandi)
I’m still a hot babe, but now it it comes in flashes.
I’m not saying you’re a monkey, but take this banana and scram. (thanks to Jacob)
National Spellling Bee Runer-Up
The winner of the rat race is still a rat. (thanks to Jake)
The Moral Majority is neither. (thanks to Bromond)
Dyslexics Untie! (thanks to Frank)
Sorry if I look interested, I’m not!
I would rather hunt with Dick Cheney than drive with Ted Kennedy. (thanks to Steve)
When I want your opinion, I’ll beat it out of you.
In case of rapture, can I have your car? (thanks to Ariana Moseley)
Custer wore an Arrow shirt. (thanks to Jake)
I’m pink, therefore I’m SPAM.
I love animals. They’re delicious. (thanks to Ryan)
I poke badgers with spoons.
Be alert. The world needs more lerts.
Keep on working, millions on welfare depend on you!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Veni, Vidi, VD. I came, I saw, I cankered.
I didn’t climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. DON’T DRINK AND DERIVE!
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.
That’s not a haircut, it’s a cry for help.
If you observe this vehicle being operated in an unsafe manner, please try to think of it as one more nomoly in the cosmic order. (thanks to Clement Anthony)
If God is within, I hope he likes enchiladas!
So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
Want a little taste of religion? Bite the minister.
I didn’t believe in reincarnation in my last life, either!
Life is too short to worry about how short life is. (thanks to Jacob)
Excess is never too much in moderation.
My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in most states.
To err is human, to moo bovine.
Think globally, Act galactically.
My wife says I should get up and go to work, but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns.
Iambic pentameter in motion. (thanks to Jacob)
If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
Don’t believe everything you think.
Help your local Search & Rescue. Get lost!
Carpe Diem = Seize the day. Carp In Denim = Fish in pants.
Life is short. So buy the shoes!
Never believe generalizations.
The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.
I don’t think, therefore I am not.
Jesus saves. He uses double coupons.
Avoid alliterations always.
Fishermen don’t die, they just smell that way. (thanks to CW)
Dyslexics are teople poo.
Jesus is coming. Look busy! (thanks to Buddy)
Say “NO” to drugs. That will bring the prices down.
What would Ashton do?
Jesus loves you. But I’m his favorite.
An Apple a day keeps Windows away.
This bumper sticker intentionally left blank.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.
What would Gandalf do?
Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows.
Does anal retentive have a hyphen?
If it ain’t broke, take it apart and fix it.
Cat: the other white meat. (thanks to Buddy O.)
Resistance is futile (if > 1 ohm).
My mother was a moonshiner, and I love her still.
MOP AND GLO – The floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
I’m Canadian. It’s like being American, but without the gun.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
The control key on the keyboard does not work.
The meek shall inherit the earth, after we’re through with it.
Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
National Sarcasm Society. (Like we need your support)
Nuke the Whales! We’ll hunt them at night.
Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks you’re a jerk.
Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly).
If there is no God, who always pops up that next Kleenex?
Too much Pluribus, not enough Unum.
Forget world peace; visualize using your turn signal.
What wouldn’t Jesus do?
Ask me about my compost pile.
If you believe in telepathy, think about honking.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
I’m retired. Go around me. (thanks to Buddy O.)
Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.
The box said Windows 2000 or better. So I installed Linux.
Use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for Solitaire.
I found Jesus – he was behind the sofa all the time.
So many cats, so few recipes.
Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl.
Don’t make me mad. I’m running out of places to hide the bodies. (thanks to Brett)
I plan to live forever. So far, so good! (thanks to Jake M.)
Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I stuck around. (thanks to Evets)
On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.
On your mark, get set, go away!
What would Scooby do?
Honk if the twins fall out. (thanks to Will)
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Sorry I missed church. I’ve been busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian. (thanks to Tananda)
Let’s skip the insults and get right down to your butt kicking!
I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
My drinking team has a bowling problem. (thanks to Bromond)
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I am not infantile, you stinky poopyhead.
I had the right to remain silent, but I didn’t have the ability. (thanks to Kenneth Dockery)
If you can read this, you’re not the president.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
You read my bumper sticker. That’s enough social interaction for today. (thanks to Jacob)
Liberal Arts major: will think for food.
Adjure obfuscation. (thanks to Betty)
Visualize Whirled Peas
If you can read this, I’ve lost the trailer!
Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph.
I didn’t climb all the way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Don’t treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
What we need is a patch for stupidity!
Follow that car, Godzilla – and step on it!
Frankly, Scallop, I don’t give a clam.
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up!
I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.
If you can’t read this, thank the teacher’s union.
I always finish what I st Procrastinate now.
The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake.
Rehab is for quitters.
My dog can lick anyone!
I have a degree in Liberal Arts – do you want fries with that?
Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and name streets after them.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
If you were born again, would you have two bellybuttons?
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
West Virginia: One million people, and 15 last names.
I’m out of estrogen and I’ve got a gun!
I’m always late. My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Who are these children, and why do they keep calling me Mom?
The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
Mop and Glo – The floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team.
NyQuil – The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
Gravity: It’s not just a good idea. It’s the law.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
You – Off my planet.
If you are what you eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren’t asleep.
I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.
There’s no place like 127.0.0.1
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
I’m supposed to back up my hard drive, but how do I put it into reverse?
You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, and disorder – my work here is done.
Earth is full. Go home.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Nyquil: the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Getting on your feet means getting off your butt.
I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, closed.
In dog years, I’m dead!
South Korea’s got Seoul!
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
Above all else, sky. (thanks to Evets)
To err is human, to forgive divine. Neither is government policy. (thanks to Jacob)
The trouble with the gene pool is that there’s no lifeguard.
God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
IRS: Be Audit You Can Be
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Senior Citizen: Give me my damn discount!
(Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If you can read this, my wife fell off!
I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re OK now.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.
Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.
A day without sunshine is like night.
First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
Old age comes at a bad time.
If going to church makes you a Christian, does going into a garage make you a car?
In America, anyone can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
What I really need are minions.
Beer: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
So you’re a feminist. Isn’t that cute?
I’m an English major: You do the math.
I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
The more you complain the longer God makes you live.
I R S: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
Out of my mind – back in five minutes.
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Life would be easier if I had the source code.
Hang up and drive.
Nebraska: At least the cows are sane.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
I said “no” to drugs, but they didn’t listen.
Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU’RE still an idiot.
I fish, therefore I lie.
Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
If catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.
It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Honk If you want to see my finger.
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
EARTH FIRST! We’ll strip-mine the other planets later.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that).
Constipation causes people not to give a crap.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a native American!
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.
Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.
What if the hokey pokey is really what it’s all about?
If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0!
Driver carries no cash. He’s married.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
Karaoke bars combine two of the nation’s greatest evils: people who shouldn’t drink with people who shouldn’t sing.
If I get you advantage, can I take drunk of you?
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Watch out for the idiot behind me.
I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol!
So you’re kids no honor student. Society needs laborers.
Honk if you hate peace and quiet.
I have the body of a god. Buddha.
In case of rapture, can I have your car?
Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
Your stupid!
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
Don’t bother honking or flashing your lights, I’m deaf and blind.
Honk if you’ve never seen a gun fired from a moving vehicle.
Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening all at once.
If it isn’t broken, fix it until it is.
Thank God I’m an atheist.
Never knock on Death’s door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.
Some days it’s just not worth gnawing through the leather straps.
It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
New Mexico: Cleaner than regular Mexico.
Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
Archaeologists will date any old thing.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
If you’re happy and you know it see a shrink.
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
Worry. God knows all about you.
I drive the speed limit. If you don’t like it, call a cop!
Vote Democrat – it’s easier than working!
Vote Republican – it’s easier than thinking!
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Squirrels: Nature’s speed bumps.
Here’s some advice: if a Fox “news” person is ever in your face, curse nonstop into the microphone, talking about all the ways you think he or she should be fucked. Talk about cocks and cunts. Make it so that, if they even try to use it, it’s nothing but nonstop beeps.
— The Rude Pundit
If you’re walking down the right path and you’re willing to keep walking, eventually you’ll make progress.

Signs:

• Open seven days a week. Closed Sundays. — On the bottom of a pizza parlor’s take-out menu.
• Parking for drive-through customers only. — A sign at a McDonald’s in California.
• We are Handicapped – Friendly. For example, if you are blind, we will read the menu for you.” — A notice in a restaurant.
• Eat Here – Get Gas — A sign at a gas station.
• Hot drinks to take out or sit in.– A sign on a cafe.
• You can’t beat our meat! — A sign on a restaurant, now closed.
• Our Infamous Steaks — A sign at a restaurant in Raleigh, NC.
• Now Hiring / Sausage Biscuits / $1– A sign at a McDonald’s.
• NOW HIRING / TWO FRENCH DIPS / FOR TWO DOLLARS.– A sign at an Arby’s in North Bend, Washington.
• Please consume all food on premises. — A sign at a Souplantation restaurant.
• Ham and Cheese – $2.50. Cheese and Ham – $2.90.” — On a menu.
• Our whipped butter is made with margarine.” — On a menu.
• 7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.” — On a menu.
• We dare you Burger for two (Served on a Stretcher) – A Whole Loaf of Crunchy French Bread running end to end with Broiled Hamburger topped with melted Yellow American Cheese, Lettuce, and Tomato. Accompanied by a mound of French Fried Potatoes, Red Pepper Relish, Ketchup, and Pickle Wedges. Delivered to your Table by Two Waitresses on a stretcher.” — On a menu of a restaurant in Danvers, Massachusetts.

“I’ve often thought the Bible should have a disclaimer in the front saying this is fiction.”
Ian McKellen; Interview on the ‘Today Show’, 05/06
Some days you’re the dog – some days you’re the hydrant.

“What the fuck was that?” Mayor of Hiroshima
“Where did all these fucking Indians come from?” H1B Visa application office chief
“That’s a lot of fucking water!” Captain of the Titanic
“That’s not a real fucking gun.” John Lennon
“Why the fuck did you go to the press?” Bill Clinton
“Heads are going to fucking roll.” SRK at Cape Town
“Any fucking idiot should understand that.” Albert Einstein
“It does so fucking look like her!” Picasso
“How the fuck did you work that out?” Pythagoras
“You want what on the fucking ceiling?” Michaelangelo
“Fuck a duck.” Walt Disney
“Why?- Because its fucking there!” Edmund Hilary
“I don’t suppose its gonna fucking rain?” Joan of Arc
“Scattered fucking showers my ass.” Noah

I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head.

The power of the Executive to cast a man into prison without formulating any charge known to the law, and particularly to deny him the judgment of his peers, is in the highest degree odious and is the foundation
of all totalitarian government whether Nazi or Communist.

Fun facts Sex

• In Frackville, Pennsylvania, a woman filed for divorce because her husband insisted on “shooting tin cans off of her head with a
  slingshot.
• A female orgasm is a powerful painkiller (because of the release of endorphins), so headaches are in fact a bad excuse not to have sex.
• Over 11,000 people are injured every year trying out new sexual positions.
• People who have never been married are seven and a half times to be admitted to a psychiatric facility than married.
• The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.
• In Elizabethan slang, the term “to die” meant to have an orgasm.
• This double entendre was often used by John Donne, and by Shakespeare in King Lear.
• In a survey conducted by a women’s magazine, 70 percent of female respondents said they would rather have chocolate than sex, according to the Chocolate Manufacturers Association.
• Percentage of runners who say they think about sex while running: 66%. Percentage who say then think about running while having sex: 8%.
• The phrase “honeymoon” came from the Greeks. It was customary for the bride’s family to supply the groom with a month (or full moon cycle) of the wedding wine, which tasted like honey.
• According to the Hite Report, candles are the artificial device used most frequently by women when masturbating. source
• As late as 1940, a candidate for the U.S. Naval Academy was rejected if it was discovered that he masturbated.
• “Hockey” is archaic slang for “semen.”
• Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
• Impotence is grounds for divorce in 24 states in the US. source
• In Kentucky, 50 percent of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers.
• In 1976, a Los Angeles secretary formally married her 50-pound pet rock.
• In ancient Greece, courtesans wore sandals with nails studded into the sole so that their footprints would leave the message “Follow me”.
• The orchid is named after the male genitalia. Its botanical family name, Orchidaceae, means “testicles” in Greek and may derive from an
  early notion that the orchid possessed aphrodisiac qualities.
• In 2000 BC, Egyptians used crocodile and elephant dung as a contraceptive.
• Thirty-one percent of men and 43 percent of women regularly suffer from some form of sexual dysfunction, warranting recognition as a
  significant public health concern, according to a new comprehensive U.S. sex study.
• Couples who marry in January, February, and March tend to have the highest divorce rates.
• The average speed of ejaculation is 28 miles per hour.
• Some odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie.
• During a kiss as many as 278 bacteria colonies are exchanged.
• The world’s greatest lover was arguably King Mongkut of Siam. He had 9,000 women in his harem.
• It was considered elegant for aristocratic ladies of the sixteenth century to let their pubic hair grow as long as possible so it could be comaded and adorned with bows and ribbon.
• 85% of the men who die while having sex, die with someone other than their spouse.
• In Asian countries, the velvet covering on a deer’s antlers is considered to be an aphrodisiac.
• Harvard researchers have concluded after careful scientific studies that Coca-Cola is not an effective spermicide.
• 70% of marriages in Oregon end in divorce.
• In a 1997 survey by Durex condoms, the French were found to be the best lovers, then Italians, Americans, South Africans, Brits,
  Australians, and Canadians. Hong Kong came in last.
• At one time in India, a fiancee was required to deflower his future bride if she died before the wedding. The girl could not be cremated until this ritual was carried out in front of the village priest.
• It was proposed in the Rhode Island legislature in the 1970s that there be a $2 tax on every act of sexual intercourse.
• By the age of 24, one in three sexually active people will have contracted a sexually transmitted infection. At least one in four Americans, perhaps as many as one in two, will contract a sexually trasmitted infection at some point in their lifetime.
• On the average, approximately 230 marriage licenses are issued per day in Las Vegas.
• For ancient Greeks and Romans, the wedding bouquet was a pungent mix of garlic and herbs or grains. The garlic was supposed to ward off
  evil spirits and the herbs or grains were to insure a fruitful union.
• Every year on March 15 Japan throws a giant festival to celebrate the penis and fertility. A 900-pound wooden phallus is paraded around
  the streets of the town Komaki, and women carry massive dildos in their arms. Thousands of people come to pay homage to the penis and
• take part in the festivities.
• In Puritan times, to be born on a Sunday was interpreted as a sign of great sin. Puritans believed that children born on the Sabbath Day
  were conceived on this sacred day, and sexual intercourse on Sundays was a sacrilege.
• Guitar fan Chris Black of London actually had a wedding ceremony to officially marry his Fender Stratocaster in 1995.
• Alan Hirsch of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago found that the candied licorice smell produced by “Good and Plenty” candy, the odor of cucumber, and the aura of baby powder increased blood flow to the vagina 13 percent above the average blood flow.
• A Florida phone sex operator won a workers’ compensation settlement claiming she was injured after regularly masturbating at work, her lawyer said.
• The Huichol Indians have an interesting tradition. When a woman is giving birth, her husband sits above her with a rope wrapped around
  his testicles. When the woman feels pain she tugs on the rope so that he too can experience the pain of childbirth.
• An average of 300,000 Valentines are remailed annually from Loveland, Colorado. These Valentines come form 140 different
  countries and all 50 states.
• Thought you’d live with your partner for a while, before you decide to get married? Well, in Virginia, unmarried cohabitation is
  illegal!
• A survey by Novartis, the pet medicine company, shows that 11 percent of cat owners have ended a personal or romantic relationship
• because a person didn’t like their cat.
• 85% of all valentines are purchased by women. (Well this just seems obvious to me, but I thought it was still interesting enough to
  include here.)
• Men purchase about 90% of the roses bought for Valentine’s Day.
• In the Middle Ages, young men and women drew names from a bowl to see who their valentines would be. They would wear these names on their sleeves for one week. Thus the origin of the phrase “to wear your heart on your sleeve.”
• According to Directroses.com , 18% of women, and 30% of men, buy Valentine gifts either the day before, or on Valentine’s Day.
• Once the Chicago post office rejected 25,000 valentines claiming they were vulgar and unfit to go through the mail.
• In order of popularity, Valentine’s Day cards are given to: teachers, children, mothers, wives, sweethearts, Koko the gorilla.
• There are eight cities in the United States with “Love” in their names: Loveland, Colo., Lovejoy, Ga.; Loves Park, Ill.; Lovelock,
• Nev.; Love Valley, N.C.; Loveland, Ohio; Loveland, Okla.; and Lovelady, Texas.
• In the U.S. boyfriends and husbands struggle over the treats to purchase for their loved ones for Valentine’s Day. In Japan, things are different. In Japan, the women are the only ones to purchase chocolates for St. Valentine’s Day, giving them to the men.
• Valentine’s Day Birthdays, February 14: 1894 Jack Benny, 1913 MelAllen, 1913 Jimmy Hoffa, 1921 Hugh Downs, 1932 Vic Morrow, 1934
• Florence Henderson, 1946 Gregory Hines, 1944 Carl Bernstein, 1960 Meg Tilly, 1972 Drew Bledsoe
• In 1970, brides were on average 20.8 years old when they married, while grooms were 23.2. Americans are now marrying later in life. In
• the year 2000, brides were on average 25.1 with their grooms averaging 26.8. USA Today
• According to 2000 Census data, Maine has a higher percentage of unmarried partners living together.
• “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” – Tom Clancy
• “You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.” – Steve Martin
• “Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” –Woody Allen
• “Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.” – Rodney Dangerfield
• “There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz
• 80SL.” – Lynn Lavner
• “Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist.” – Matt Barry
• “Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.” – Camille Paglia
• “Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.” – George Burns
• “Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.” – Sharon Stone
• “My girlfriend always laughs during sex—no matter what she’s reading.” – Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
• “My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” – Jack Nicholson
• “Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.” –Barbara Bush
• Former US First Lady — and you didn’t think Barbara had a sense of humor)
• “Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” –Robin Williams
• “Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.” –Roseanne
• “Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” –Billy Crystal
• “According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.” –Robert De Niro
• “There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?” –Dustin Hoffman
• “There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.” –Jerry Seinfeld
• “Instead of getting m married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” –Rod Stewart
• “See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” –Robin Williams

Bob Marley Quotes

1 “Every man gotta right to decide his own destiny.”

This is Marley steadfastly adhering to the philosophy speaking to self determination of which one of the greatest Pan Africanist Marcus Mosiah Garvey spoke about.

Marley realized that the doctrine of inferiority was one that served to limit the potential and outlook of People of African descent.

2 “Facts an’ facts, an’ t’ings an t’ings: dem’s all a lotta fockin’ bullshit. Hear me! Dere is no truth but de one truth, an’ that is the truth of Jah Rastafari.”

3 “I don’t stand for the black man’s side; I don’t stand for the white man’s side. I stand for God’s side.”

In light of the fact that Marley was being marketed as a rock star to an international audience, it is not surprising that he would hold such a sentiment.

Songs like Zimbabwe and Africa Unite prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that he was very much aware of the status and struggle of people of African descent.

However it can be assumed that his Rastafarian faith with a doctrine of love combined with increased spirituality and the need to be marketable to a “one love” audience provided the necessary middle ground that Bob the artist needed.
4 “Don´t forget your history nor your destiny.”

5 “In the abundance of water, the fool is thirsty.”

6 “The harder the battle the sweet of jah victory.”

7 “Open your eyes & look within, are you satisfied with the life you living.”

8 “In this great future you can’t forget your past.”

9 “If you get down and quarrel everyday, you’re saying prayers to the devil, I say.”

10 “Just can’t live that negative way…make way for the positive day!”

11 “Life and Jah are one in the same. Jah is the gift of existence. I am in some way eternal, I will never be duplicated. The singularity of every man and woman is Jah’s gift. What we struggle to make of it is our sole gift to Jah. The process of what that struggle becomes, in time, the Truth.”

12 “Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don’t complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don’t bury your thoughts; put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!”

13 “Until the philosophy which hold one race superior and another inferior is finally discredited and abandoned…WAR! So that is prophecy, and everyone knows that is truth. And it came out of the mouth of Rastafari.”

This is one of Bob Marley quotes come from Ras Tafari or His Imperial Majesty; however Bob with his lyrical genius immortalized them by putting these sentiments, originally delivered by H.I.M as a speech, to music.

14 “The first thing you must know about me is that I always stand what I stand for. Good? The second thing you must know about yourself listening to me is that words are tricky. So when you know what me a stand for, when me explain a thing to you, you must never try to look ‘pon it in a different way from what me a stand for.”

15 “Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds…”

16 “The good times of today, are the sad thoughts of tomorrow.”

17 “You can fool some people sometimes, but you can’t fool all the people all the time.”

18 “Don’t gain the world and lose your soul, wisdom is better than silver or gold…”

19 “When the race gets hard to run. It means you just can’t take the pace.”

20 “The more people smoke herb, the more Babylon fall.” Bob Marley quote on herbs

21 “Rise O fallen fighters, rise and take your stance again, He who fight and run away, Live to fight another day”

22 “The power of philosophy floats through my head, Light like a feather, Heavy as Led”

23 “Rastafari not a culture, it’s a reality.”

24 “The only truth is Rastafari.”

25 “My music will go on forever. Maybe it’s a fool say that, but when me know facts me can say facts. My music will go on forever.”

26. Don’t gain the world and lose your soul, wisdom is better than silver or gold…

27. Me only have one ambition, y’know. I only have one thing I really like to see happen. I like to see mankind live together – black, white, Chinese, everyone – that’s all.

Open source

* open source : a program whose source code is made available for use or modification as users or other developers see fit. If a car goes open source, then you’re permitting others to copy your engine and body design, improve it, put their improvements back into the pool and share some more.
* open infrastructure: Amazon’s cloud is an example of this. You build the pipes and allow people to rent them to build their own systems on.
* open architecture: A system (hardware or software) where people can learn how it works and then build things to plug in to extend it. The IBM PC had an open architecture, which meant that people could build sound cards or other devices to plug in (without asking IBM’s permission).
* open standards: relying on rules that are widely used, consensus based, published and maintained by recognized industry standards organizations. It means that you’re not in charge, the standards guys are. Bluetooth is an example of attempting this, so is USB.
* open access: APIs that make it easy for people to get at the data on your platform (twitter is a great example, so is Google maps.)
* open video: the combination of a p2p platform, open standards, free to share and open canvas.
* open canvas: when your platform permits users to express themselves. WordPress and Squidoo come to mind.
* open book: this is a form of management in which all your employees see all the books, thus bridging the gulf between management and labor.
* open sesame: the best way to get into a cave.
* open mike: when anyone who shows up can be part of the show.  I guess the difference between this and open canvas is that this is more linear. “Who’s next?”
* open forum: users comment, rate and rank. Digg and Zagat’s come to mind. We could probably divide into the approaches that are more social (Chowhound) and those that are less (Yelp).
* open door: simple method to allow individuals speak truth to power. Getsatisfaction is one example.
* open engagement: when individuals in power are available to all comers for questions and answers and dialogue.
* open bar: the alternative to a cash bar. You pay one fee and then get all you want. In a world where selling is more expensive than delivering (things like bandwidth) this makes more and more sense.
* open borders: your data is portable and you can walk out with it at any time. Amazon has closed borders (your history stays there) but OPML is open borders for RSS.
* open elections: when anyone can vote, not just the elites, or registered users, or those that pay.
* open house: allowing prospective buyers to walk around inside your product before deciding to buy.
* open sauce: a company talks about its business methods publicly to build a brand. For example, Fred Wilson talking about how he invests or DUI blogger talking about how to beat a breathalyzer. (HT to Alex).
* open to all: the opposite of a country club. A trade show or meeting or event that doesn’t work to screen out attendees.
* open identity: A protocol for carrying your identity from site to site, at your discretion.
* open interaction: when previously private conversations (like customer support) are handled in public (via Twitter, for example).
* open and shut: the kind of answer you rarely get.

“I am sitting in the smallest room of my house. Your critique is in front of me. Shortly it will be behind me.”

Code Humor

//When I wrote this, only God and I understood what I was doing
//Now, God only knows

It speaks volume about our profession that when asked about the "best comment", we all answer with the worst comments we can find...

//This code sucks, you know it and I know it.
//Move on and call me an idiot later.

/**
* This method leverages collective synergy to drive "outside of the box" thinking and formulate key
* objectives into a win-win game plan with a quality-driven approach that focuses on empowering key players
* to drive-up their core competencies and increase expectations with an all-around initiative to drive down
* the bottom-line. I really wanted to work the word "mandrolic" in there, but that word always makes me
* want to punch myself in the face.
*/

Many years ago (about 1994) I was working on a Oracle PRO*C application for a large multi-national software company that you will have heard of. The app I was working on was a massive Oracle application and they had a utility that ran overnight tidying up data and doing all sorts of aggregate calculations. Every time anything needed doing as a batch job, it got shoved into this utility and as you can imagine it became an absolute monstrosity. It was also notable for the tiny number of comments that it had for such a massive program.

One of the few comments it did have remains the finest comment I have ever seen for pure WTF'ness... I was trying to find a bug in a function which was hundreds of lines long and right in the middle of it was the only comment in the function:

/* I did this the other way */

To this day it is still the finest comment I have ever seen.

One of the most classic ones is the comment made by Pierre de Fermat about his well-known "Last theorem": "The margin of this page is a bit too small to write down the proof".

It took more than 350 years before the proof was found...

(According to wikipedia this is the original text:)

Cubum autem in duos cubos, aut quadratoquadratum in duos quadratoquadratos, et generaliter nullam in infinitum ultra quadratum potestatem in duos eiusdem nominis fas est dividere cuius rei demonstrationem mirabilem sane detexi. Hanc marginis exiguitas non caperet.

...and translated into English:

(It is impossible to separate a cube into two cubes, or a fourth power into two fourth powers, or in general, any power higher than the second into two like powers. I have discovered a truly marvellous proof of this, which this margin is too narrow to contain.)

/* These magic numbers are f*cking stupid. */

/* Dear free software world, do you NOW see we are f*cking
things up?! This is insane! */

/* We will NOT put a f*cking timestamp in the header here. Every
time you put it back, I will come in and take it out again. */

# However, this only works if there are MULTIPLE checkboxes!
# The f*cking JS DOM *changes* based on one or multiple boxes!?!?!
# Damn damn damn I hate the JavaScript DOM so damn much!!!!!!

/* TODO: this is obviously not right ... this whole f*cking module
sucks anyway */

/* FIXME: please god, when will the hurting stop? Thus function is so
f*cking broken it's not even funny. */

When a person spends a lot of time using a computer system, the configuration of that computer system becomes the city that he lives in. Just as the way our houses and furniture are laid out, determines what it’s like for us to live among them, so does the computer system that we use, and if we can’t change the computer system that we use to suit us, then our lives are really under the control of others. And a person who sees this becomes in a certain way demoralized: “It’s no use trying to change those things, they’re always going to be bad. No point even hassling it. I’ll just put in my time and … when it’s over I’ll go away and try not to think about it any more”. — Richard Stallman

Murphy’s laws and corollaries

BASIC MURPHY’S LAWS

1. Nothing is as easy as it looks.
2. Everything takes longer than you think.
3. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
4. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.
5. If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
6. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
7. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
8. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
9. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
10. Mother nature is a bitch.
11. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
12. Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
13. Every solution breeds new problems.

Murphy’s Law of Research
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Murphy’s Law of Copiers
The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance.
Murphy’s Law of the Open Road:
When there is a very long road upon which there is a one-way bridge placed at random, and there are only two cars on that road, it follows that: (1) the two cars are going in opposite directions, and (2) they will always meet at the bridge.
Murphy’s Law of Thermodynamics
Things get worse under pressure.
The Murphy Philosophy

• Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.
• Quantization Revision of Murphy’s Laws
• Everything goes wrong all at once.
• Murphy’s Constant
• Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value

Murphy’s Corollaries

• Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
• It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious
• Law of the Perversity of Nature (Mrs. Murphy’s Corollary):
• You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.

Corollary (Jenning):
The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Commentaries

Hill’s Commentaries on Murphy’s Laws

1. If we lose much by having things go wrong, take all possible care.
2. If we have nothing to lose by change, relax.
3. If we have everything to gain by change, relax.
4. If it doesn’t matter, it does not matter.

O’Toole’s Commentary
Murphy was an optimist.

NBC’s Addendum to Murphy’s Law
You never run out of things that can go wrong.

Murphy’s Military Laws

1. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
2. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
3. Friendly fire ain’t.
4. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
5. The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
6. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
7. The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.
8. Incoming fire has the right of way.
9. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
10. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
11. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
12. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
13. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
14. There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
15. Don’t be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
16. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

Murphy’s Technology Laws

1. You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
2. Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
3. Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
4. Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
5. If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
6. The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
7. The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.
8. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
9. Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch to be sure.
10. All great discoveries are made by mistake.
11. Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
12. Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
13. All’s well that ends.
14. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
15. The first myth of management is that it exists.
16. A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
17. New systems generate new problems.
18. To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
19. We don’t know one millionth of one percent about anything.
20. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
21. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
22. A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
23. The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.
24. Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day’s work.
25. Some people manage by the book, even though they don’t know who wrote the book or even what book.
26. The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
27. To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
28. After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
29. Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
30. A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
31. If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
32. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
33. Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a “Pearl Harbor File.”
34. Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
35. If you can’t understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
36. The more cordial the buyer’s secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
37. In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.
38. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. And scratch where it itches.
39. All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
40. The only perfect science is hind-sight.
41. Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
42. If it’s not in the computer, it doesn’t exist.
43. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
44. When all else fails, read the instructions.
45. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
46. Everything that goes up must come down.
47. Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
48. Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
49. Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
50. The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
51. Any attempt to print Murphy’s laws will jam the printer.

Murphy’s Love Laws

1. All the good ones are taken.
2. If the person isn’t taken, there’s a reason. (corr. to 1)
3. The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
4. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
5. The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
6. Money can’t buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
7. The best things in the world are free — and worth every penny of it.
8. Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
9. Nice guys(girls) finish last.
10. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
11. Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.

Murphy’s Laws of sex

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.
16. Sex is dirty only if it’s done right.
17. It is always the wrong time of month.
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.
21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night — Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
22. The younger the better.
23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
26. Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs.
27. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
28. Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.
29. Love is a hole in the heart.
30. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
31. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
32. Do it only with the best.
33. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
34. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
35. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
36. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
37. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
38. Thou shalt not commit adultery…..unless in the mood.
39. Never lie down with a woman who’s got more troubles than you.
40. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
41. Never argue with a women when she’s tired — or rested.
42. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn’t.
43. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
44. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
45. Never say no.
46. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn’t love her.
47. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
48. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
49. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
50. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
51. Love comes in spurts.
52. The world does not revolve on an axis.
53. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
54. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
55. Don’t do it if you can’t keep it up.
56. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
57. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
58. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
59. “This won’t hurt, I promise.”

An Abridged Collection of Interdisciplinary Laws

Abbott’s Admonitions:

1. If you have to ask, you’re not entitled to know.
2. If you don’t like the answer, you shouldn’t have asked the question.

Abrams’s Advice:
When eating an elephant, take one bite at a time.
Rule of Accuracy:
When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.
Corollary: Provided, of course, that you know there is a problem.
Acheson’s Rule of the Bureaucracy:
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.
Acton’s Law:
Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Ade’s Law:
Anybody can win — unless there happens to be a second entry.
Airplane Law:
When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.
Alan’s Law of Research
The theory is supported as long as the funds are.
Albrecht’s Law:
Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well being.
Algren’s Precepts:
Never eat at a place called Mom’s. Never play cards with a man named Doc. And never lie down with a woman who’s got more troubles than you.
Allen’s Law of Civilization:
It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.
Agnes Allen’s Law:
Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
Allen’s Axiom
When all else fails, follow instructions.
Allen’s Distinction
The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won’t get much sleep.
Fred Allen’s Motto:
I’d rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
Alley’s Axiom:
Justice always prevails . . . three times out of seven.
Alligator Allegory:
The objective of all dedicated product support employees should be to thoroughly analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems when called upon. However, when you are up to your ass in alligators, it is difficult to remind yourself that your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
Allison’s Precept
The best simple-minded test of expertise in a particular area is the ability to win money in a series of bets on future occurrences in that area.
Anderson’s Law
Any system or program, however complicated, if looked at in exactly the right way, will become even more complicated.
Andrews’s Canoeing Postulate:
No matter which direction you start it’s always against the wind coming back.

Law of Annoyance:

When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you’re certain you’re finished with, you will need it instantly.
Anthony’s Law of Force:
Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.
Anthony’s Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop.
Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike your toes.

Laws of Applied Confusion:

1. The one piece that the plant forgot to ship is the one that supports 75% of the balance of the shipment.
Corollary: Not only did the plant forget to ship it, 50% of the time they haven’t even made it.
2. Truck deliveries that normally take one day will take five when you are waiting for the truck.
3. After adding two weeks to the schedule for unexpected delays, add two more for the unexpected, unexpected delays.
4. In any structure, pick out the one piece that should not be mismarked and expect the plant to cross you up.

Corollaries:

1. In any group of pieces with the same erection mark on it, one should not have that mark on it.
2. It will not be discovered until you try to put it where the mark says it’s supposed to go.
3. Never argue with the fabricating plant about an error. The inspection prints are all checked off, even to the holes that aren’t there.

Approval Seeker’s Law:

• Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least.
• The Aquinas Axiom:
• What the gods get away with, the cows don’t.

Army Axiom:
Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.
Army Law:
If it moves, salute it; if it doesn’t move, pick it up; if you can’t pick it up, paint it.
Ashley-Perry Statistical Axioms:

1. Numbers are tools, not rules.
2. Numbers are symbols for things; the number and the thing are not the same.
3. Skill in manipulating numbers is a talent, not evidence of divine guidance.
4. Like other occult techniques of divination, the statistical method has a private jargon deliberately contrived to obscure its methods from nonpractitioners.
5. The product of an arithmetical computation is the answer to an equation; it is not the solution to a problem.
6. Arithmetical proofs of theorems that do not have arithmetical bases prove nothing.

Astrology Law:

• It’s always the wrong time of the month.
• Fourteenth Corollary of Atwood’s General Law of Dynamic Negatives:
• No books are lost by loaning except those you particularly wanted to keep.

Avery’s Rule of Three:
Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the next job after a series of three is not the fourth job — it’s the start of a brand new series of three.

B

Babcock’s Law:
If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.
Baer’s Quartet:
What’s good politics is bad economics; what’s bad politics is good economics; what’s good economics is bad politics; what’s bad economics is good politics.
Bagdikian’s Law of Editor’s Speeches:
The splendor of an editor’s speech and the splendor of his newspaper are inversely related to the distance between the city in which he makes his speech and the city in which he publishes his paper.
Baker’s Byroad:
When you are over the hill, you pick up speed.
Baker’s Law:
Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.
Baldy’s Law:
Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.
Barber’s Laws of Backpacking

1. The integral of the gravitational potential taken around any loop trail you chose to hike always comes out positive.
2. Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.
3. The weight of your pack increases in direct proportion to the amount of food you consume from it. If you run out of food, the pack weight goes on increasing anyway.
4. The number of stones in your boot is directly proportional to the number of hours you have been on the trail.
5. The difficulty of finding any given trail marker is directly proportional to the importance of the consequences of failing to find it.
6. The size of each of the stones in your boot is directly proportional to the number of hours you have been on the trail.
7. The remaining distance to your chosen campsite remains constant as twilight approaches.
8. The net weight of your boots is proportional to the cube of the number of hours you have been on the trail.
9. When you arrive at your chosen campsite, it is full.
10. If you take your boots off, you’ll never get them back on again.
11. The local density of mosquitos is inversely proportional to your remaining repellent.

Barrett’s Laws of Driving:

1. You can get ANYWHERE in ten minutes if you go fast enough.
2. Speed bumps are of negligible effect when the vehicle exceeds triple the desired restraining speed.
3. The vehicle in front of you is traveling slower than you are.
4. This lane ends in 500 feet.

Barr’s Comment on Domestic Tranquility:
On a beautiful day like this it’s hard to believe anyone can be unhappy — but we’ll work on it.
Barth’s Distinction
There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don’t.
Bartz’s Law of Hokey Horsepuckery:
The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher the probability of its success.
Baruch’s Rule for Determining Old Age:
Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
Barzun’s Laws of Learning

1. The simple but difficult arts of paying attention, copying accurately, following an argument, detecting an ambiguity or a false inference, testing guesses by summoning up contrary instances, organizing one’s time and one’s thought for study — all these arts — cannot be taught in the air but only through the difficulties of a defined subject. They cannot be taught in one course or one year, but must be acquired gradually in dozens of connections.
2. The analogy to athletics must be pressed until all recognize that in the exercise of Intellect those who lack the muscles, coordination, and will power can claim no place at the training table, let alone on the playing field.

Forthoffer’s Cynical Summary of Barzun’s Laws

1. That which has not yet been taught directly can never be taught directly.
2. If at first you don’t succeed, you will never succeed.

Baxter’s First Law:
Government intervention in the free market always leads to a lower national standard of living.
Baxter’s Second Law:
The adoption of fractional gold reserves in a currency system always leads to depreciation, devaluation, demonetization and, ultimately, to complete destruction of that currency.
Baxter’s Third Law:
In a free market good money always drives bad money out of circulation.
Beardsley’s Warning to Lawyers:
Beware of and eschew pompous prolixity.
Beauregard’s Law:
When you’re up to your nose, keep your mouth shut.
Becker’s Law:
It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
Beers Law of Reciprocating Systems Dynamics:
Some mistakes are too fun to make only once.
Beifeld’s Principle:
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, and (3) a better looking and richer male friend.
Belle’s Constant:
The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is usually about 0.6.
Benchley’s Distinction:
There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don’t.
Benchley’s Law:
Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.
Berkeley’s Laws:

1. The world is more complicated than most of our theories make it out to be.
2. Ignorance is no excuse.
3. Never decide to buy something while listening to the salesman.
4. Information which is true meets a great many different tests very well.
5. Most problems have either many answers or no answer. Only a few problems have a single answer.
6. An answer may be wrong, right, both, or neither. Most answers are partly right and partly wrong.
7. A chain of reasoning is no stronger than its weakest link.
8. A statement may be true independently of illogical reasoning.
9. Most general statements are false, including this one.
10. An exception TESTS a rule; it NEVER PROVES it.
11. The moment you have worked out an answer, start checking it — it probably isn’t right.
12. If there is an opportunity to make a mistake, sooner or later the mistake will be made.
13. Being sure mistakes will occur is a good frame of mind for catching them.
14. Check the answer you have worked out once more — before you tell it to anybody.
15. Estimating a figure may be enough to catch an error.
16. Figures calculated in a rush are very hot; they should be allowed to cool off a little before being used; thus we will have a reasonable time to think about the figures and catch mistakes.
17. A great many problems do not have accurate answers, but do have approximate answers, from which sensible decisions can be made.

Berra’s Law:

• You can observe a lot just by watching.
• Berson’s Corollary of Inverse Distances:
• The farther away from the entrance that you have to park, the closer the space vacated by the car that pulls away as you walk up to the door.

Bicycle Law:
All bicycles weigh 50 pounds:

• A 30-pound bicycle needs a 20-pound lock and chain.
• A 40-pound bicycle needs a 10-pound lock and chain.
• A 50-pound bicycle needs no lock or chain.

First Law of Bicycling:
No matter which way you ride it’s uphill and against the wind.
The Billings Phenomenon:
The conclusions of most good operations research studies are obvious.
Billings’s Law:
Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
Blaauw’s Law:
Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology.
Blanchard’s Newspaper Obituary Law:
If you want your name spelled wrong, die.
Bok’s Law:
If you think education is expensive — try ignorance.
Boling’s Postulate:
If you’re feeling good, don’t worry. You’ll get over it.
Bolton’s Law of Ascending Budgets:
Under current practices, both expenditures and revenues rise to meet each other, no matter which one may be in excess.
Bombeck’s Rule of Medicine:
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Bonafede’s Revelation:
The conventional wisdom is that power is an aphrodisiac. In truth, it’s exhausting.
Boob’s Law:
You always find something the last place you look.
Booker’s Law:
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
Boozer’s Revision:
A bird in the hand is dead.
Boren’s Laws of the Bureaucracy:

1. When in doubt, mumble.
2. When in trouble, delegate.
3. When in charge, ponder.

Borkowski’s Law:
You can’t guard against the arbitrary.
Borstelmann’s Rule:
If everything seems to be coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.
Boston’s Irreversible Law of Clutter:
In any household, junk accumulates to fill the space available for its storage.
Boultbee’s Criterion:
If the converse of a statement is absurd, the original statement is an insult to the intelligence and should never have been said.

Boyle’s Laws:

1. The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, even in the wrong denomination.
2. When things are going well, someone will inevitably experiment detrimentally.
3. The deficiency will never show itself during the dry runs.
4. Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know.
5. An original idea can never emerge from committee in the original.
6. When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly.
7. The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by the paper clip of the overlying correspondence and go to file.
8. Success can be insured only by devising a defense against failure of the contingency plan.
9. Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects.
10. If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.
11. The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting.
12. Talent in staff work or sales will recurringly be interpreted as managerial ability.
13. The “think positive” leader tends to listen to his subordinates’ premonitions only during the postmortems.
14. Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations.
15. On successive charts of the same organization the number of boxes will never decrease.

Branch’s First Law of Crisis:
The spirit of public service will rise, and the bureaucracy will multiply itself much faster, in time of grave national concern.
First Law of Bridge:
It’s always the partner’s fault.
Brien’s First Law:
At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.
Broder’s Law:
Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he’ll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
Brontosaurus Principle:
Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them in relation to their environment and to their own physiology; when this occurs, they are an endangered species.
Brooks’s Law:
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Brooke’s Law:
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
Brownian Motion Rule of Bureacracies:
It is impossible to distinguish, from a distance, whether the bureaucrats associated with your project are simply sitting on their hands, or frantically trying to cover their asses.
Heisenberg’s Addendum to Brownian Bureaucracy: If you observe a bureaucrat closely enough to make the distinction above, he will react to your observation by covering his ass.
(Jerry) Brown’s Law:
Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
(Sam) Brown’s Law:
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
(Tony) Brown’s Law of Business Success:
Our customer’s paperwork is profit. Our own paperwork is loss.
Bruce-Briggs’s Law of Traffic:
At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable.
Buchwald’s Law:
As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
Bucy’s Law:
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
Bunuel’s Law:
Overdoing things is harmful in all cases, even when it comes to efficiency.
Bureaucratic Cop-Out #1:
You should have seen it when *I* got it.
Burns’s Balance:
If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions aren’t likely to be very good.
Bustlin’ Billy’s Bogus Beliefs:

1. The organization of any program reflects the organization of the people who develop it.
2. There is no such thing as a “dirty capitalist”, only a capitalist.
3. Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.
4. Capitalism can exist in one of only two states — welfare or warfare.
5. I’d rather go whoring than warring.
6. History proves nothing.
7. There is nothing so unbecoming on the beach as a wet kilt.
8. A little humility is arrogance.
9. A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much technological rococo.

Butler’s Law of Progress:
All progress is based on a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.
Bye’s First Law of Model Railroading:
Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers.
Bye’s Second Law of Model Railroading:
The desire for modeling a prototype is inversely proportional to the decline of the prototype.

C

Cahn’s Axiom (Allen’s Axiom):
When all else fails, read the instructions.
Calkin’s Law of Menu Language:
The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the resulting dish.
John Cameron’s Law:
No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered, take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again.
Camp’s Law:
A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.
Campbell’s Law:
Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
Canada Bill Jones’s Motto:
It’s morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
Canada Bill Jones’s Supplement:
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
Cannon’s Cogent Comment:
The leak in the roof is never in the same location as the drip.
Cannon’s Comment:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
Carson’s Law
It’s better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
Cartoon Laws

1. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
2. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge’s surcease.
3. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout- perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
4. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
5. All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth’s surface. A spooky noise or an adversary’s signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
6. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character’s head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A ‘wacky’ character has the option of self- replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
7. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l’oeil inconsistency has baffled generation, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall’s surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
8. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
9. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.
10. Everything falls faster than an anvil. Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.

Cavanaugh’s Postulate:

• All kookies are not in a jar.
• Law of Character and Appearance:
• People don’t change; they only become more so.

Checkbook Balancer’s Law:
In matters of dispute, the bank’s balance is always smaller than yours.
Cheops’s Law:
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
Chili Cook’s Secret:
If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added.
Chisholm’s First Law and Corollary: see Murphy’s Third and Fifth Laws.
Chisholm’s Second Law:
When things are going well, something will go wrong.
Corollaries:

1. When things just can’t get any worse, they will.
2. Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.

Chisholm’s Third Law:
Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise by others.
Corollaries:

1. If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
2. If you do something which you are sure will meet with everyone’s approval, somebody won’t like it.
3. Procedures devised to implement the purpose won’t quite work.
4. No matter how long or how many times you explain, no one is listening.

The First Discovery of Christmas Morning: Batteries not included.
Churchill’s Commentary on Man:
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on as though nothing has happened.
Ciardi’s Poetry Law:
Whenever in time, and wherever in the universe, any man speaks or writes in any detail about the technical management of a poem, the resulting irascibility of the reader’s response is a constant.
Clarke’s First Law:
When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
Corollary (Asimov): When the lay public rallies round an idea that is denounced by distinguished but elderly scientists, and supports that idea with great fervor and emotion — the distinguished but elderly scientists are then, after all, right.
Clarke’s Second Law:
The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible.
Clarke’s Third Law:
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Clarke’s Law of Revolutionary Ideas:
Every revolutionary idea — in Science, Politics, Art or Whatever — evokes three stages of reaction. They may be summed up by the three phrases:

1. “It is completely impossible — don’t waste my time.”
2. “It is possible, but it is not worth doing.”
3. “I said it was a good idea all along.”

Clark’s First Law of Relativity:
No matter how often you trade dinner or other invitations with in-laws, you will lose a small fortune in the exchange.
Corollary: Don’t try it: you cannot drink enough of your in-laws’ booze to get even before your liver fails.
Clark’s Law:

• It’s always darkest just before the lights go out.
• Cleveland’s Highway Law:
• Highways in the worst need of repair naturally have low traffic counts, which results in low priority for repair work.

Clopton’s Law:
For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.
Clyde’s Law:
If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.
Cohen’s Law:
What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts — not the facts themselves.
Cohen’s Laws of Politics:
Law of Alienation:
Nothing can so alienate a voter from the political system as backing a winning candidate.
Law of Ambition:
At any one time, thousands of borough councilmen, school board members, attorneys, and businessmen — as well as congressmen, senators, and governors — are dreaming of the White House, but few, if any of them, will make it.
Law of Attraction:
Power attracts people but it cannot hold them.
Law of Competition:
The more qualified candidates who are available, the more likely the compromise will be on the candidate whose main qualification is a nonthreatening incompetence.
Law of Inside Dope:
There are many inside dopes in politics and government.
Law of Lawmaking:
Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
Law of Permanence:
Political power is as permanent as today’s newspaper. Ten years from now, few will know or care who the most powerful man in any state was today.
Law of Secrecy:
The best way to publicize a governmental or political action is to attempt to hide it.
Law of Wealth:
Victory goes to the candidate with the most accumulated or contributed wealth who has the financial resources to convince the middle class and poor that he will be on their side.
Law of Wisdom:
Wisdom is considered a sign of weakness by the powerful because a wise man can lead without power but only a powerful man can lead without wisdom.
Cohn’s Law:
The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.
Cole’s Law:
Thinly sliced cabbage.
Mr. Cole’s Axiom:
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
Colson’s Law:
If you’ve got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
Comins’s Law:
People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
Committee Rules:

1. Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
2. Don’t say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
3. Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
4. When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
5. Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular — it’s what everyone is waiting for.

Commoner’s Three Laws of Ecology:

1. No action is without side-effects.
2. Nothing ever goes away.
3. There is no free lunch.

Law of Computability
Any system or program, however complicated, if looked at in exactly the right way, will become even more complicated.
Law of Computability Applied to Social Science:
If at first you don’t succeed, transform your data set.
Laws of computer programming

1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
5. Any program will expand to fill available memory.
6. The value of a program is proportional